we've all got a platypus controlling us

i think one of the reasons  we're so obsessed with being ourselves or finding ourselves is that we try to quantify it by qualifying it, or qualify it by quantifying it.  like saying "I am the sum of everything i've been"  or "this thing, this thing, and this thing, make up who i am."

a thought occured to me earlier today.  i don't remember what it was i was thinking about doing, but i thought "i'm going to try to do that" to which i thought "is that fake?"

and then realized that just because something requires effort doesn't mean it isn't also part of who we are.  this is the whole problem with the concept of "posers" and why the cliche'd hipster pretentiousness is made fun of so much.  its ridiculous to say that a person who likes metal music isn't really metal and is only pretending to be metal if they don't participate in every qualifier deemed "Necessary" to be metal.  (this is just an example)  but our "self" isn't just what we do, its what we want.  its as much the times we feel like we're not ourselves as the times when we are because those times when we don't feel like ourselves are times when WE are uncomfortable.

it should be enough for us, but it isn't.

so this thought i had earlier today, realizing that the existence of effort didn't negate the "realness" of a person or their actions was somewhat contradictory to a thought i just had now where i decided that i was most myself when i was a young child because i existed without trying to define myself as a distinct existence.  but thats not true is it?  it j ust means that who i was wasn't bothered by the question "who am i?"  and the effort of finding out who we are doesn't make us less who we are than if we thought of it not at all.

but i can see our existence as being one of two things, realizing that there are more than likely many possibilites that i just have yet to consider and that is we are who we are who we are, or, we are what we define ourselves as, because i truly believe everything in the universe contains the value in which it is given and if we qualify ourselvels and say "i am a waitress" or "i am a sousaphonician (makin up words like a boss)" then that is what we are and it really doesn't need to be more complicated then that.


but once again i contradict myself and my own thoughts realizing that i believe people or things to be different then the values they're given all the time.  for instance a friend the other day said that we were only things we chose to be.  for instance, a single mother is only a single mother if she chooses to be a single mother.  but a single mother isn't not a single mother just cause she decides.  if she is single, and a mother, then she is a single mother whether she likes it or not.

but this brings forth all kinds of arguments regarding humanity and our freedom, especially within thinks like gender.  a person can have the qualities of a male but not consider themselves male and therefore not be male, but i think our definitions are just as much cultural as they are personal.  thats why we're always trying to figure out which aspects of our lives are inherent and which are social constructs so that we can reject whatever we've decided is in fact a social construct because for some reason being constructed by society makes a concept illegitimate or optional.  in reality we always have options and choices, but in reality that won't mean we can live that way.

but to the question "is it inherent or socially constructed?"  i say "yes"  because society in itself is inherent. like the systems of a body, each system working within and separate from the other systems.  in the land of nature vs. nurture i'm very nurture heavy.

and thats the thing, i think at its core, our obsession with finding ourselves is an attempt to be nature without nurture, but thats asking green to become blue when yellow is a permanent fixture in its being.  we're all green.

"but what shade of green?  can we be another secondary color like purple?!"

no.  i'm stopping the metaphor there!  so don't do it. just don't.

this blog went way farther than i thought it would when i started.

and that can be the worst feeling...

i'm finding myself getting to that place again where i completely resent the basic bodily functions that make up our lives.

i completely resent that we need to sleep every day, eat a few times a day, and even bathe on a regular basis.  i feel like all these things take up time and muck up what i struggle to make efficient time management.

so basically, i suck at managing my time, and i wish that i could cut into the things that i have to do to keep going so that i could finish the things i haven't finished that are holding me back.

i totally love sleeping, eating, and bathing.  but they take up so much TIME.

my time table is about eight hours off of everyone else's.

i came to the realization the other day that my frustrations with myself are in a lot of ways frustrations with God, in the sense that i simultaneously expect him to make my life awesome overnight, and then i get down on myself when it doesn't.

there are so many things i should be doing.  so many of them i'm not doing because of anxiety and attention deficit.  but mostly the anxiety.  i mean, how can i get a better job when i can't even put the christmas tree up?

stupid tree.

i feel like intellectually i need a creative outlet, but emotionally i'm too drained to bother.  i didn't even make a costume for the hobbit opening!  that may not seem like much to you, but even if my costume completely sucks i wear one to these things.  its just what i do.  now...i'm just tired.

i've started reading again, so thats a thing i guess.  i'm rereading old books i've read before cause i don't feel like starting anything new but at least i'm reading.  ugh.

i thoroughly believe that our happiness is a choice.  its our choice how we respond to the events in our lives.  i also thoroughly feel like no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i choose to be happy, its not working.

however, i see that my life has been making improvements, even though they're not at the pace that i would like.  i'm aware that i need to trust in God's timing over my own, but even if i were going slower than now i wish i could at least feel like i'm moving forward. right now it feels like i'm treading water. staying afloat but not going anywhere, and its only a matter of time before my legs get tired.

i dunno.  its two in the morning.  i'm tired.  i had a long day of selling fried fish and fixing violent car malfunctions in thirty degree weather. (or at least holding the flashlight for the persons fixing my violent car malfunctions.  thanks, dad!"  i just need to throw my laundry in the dryer, drink some water because i feel super dehydrated, and go to bed.

i think in the long run though i need more time with my friends.  spending time with them always makes life seem manageable.  spending too much time alone makes me feel inadequate.

just a perfect day...

so this is my idea of a perfect day

when i say perfect day, i don't mean amazing day.  this isn't a day where i lose a hundred pounds then go on a date with...dang...who would i go on a a date with? lets just say *insert attractive celebrity i'm a fan of here*

this isn't a day of roller coasters with no waiting lines.
this isn't a day of flawless marching band performances
of starring in broadway shows
of touring europe
of constant rock concert dancing.

this is a perfect day, which means that nothing is wrong with it.  it means that just because nothing particularly awesome is happening, doesn't mean that there is anything inherently wrong with the day.

on this day i wake up on time.  and i get up, on time.
i shower.
i get dressed in clean clothes and i don't freak out about how i look in them.
i eat breakfast.
i take my medication.  i don't know what medication this is, but it helps me focus on what i need to do, and helps me not have anxiety attacks about doing it.
i go to work.
i don't know what job this is.  but it is a job where i work with people, and i'm doing something positive for society.  and i don't feel like my soul is dying.
i go home.
i hobby.  i might exercise.  i might practice my clarinet or learn another instrument.  i might make something.  i might read.
i go out with my friends, because every day should end with the people i love.
and then i go to bed.

this is a normal day i feel.  and to me it is perfect.  because i have never had these things.  i have never gotten up on time, i have never been comfortable with the way i look, i have never had a job that fits me, i have never had frequent enough time for my interests, or been able to go home and have the time to do whatever it is that i need to do between work or school and seeing people.

and all i want is a normal day.

and a voice in my head says "sara, nobody has days or lives exactly how they want them."

this is true.  which is why this is my perfect day.  perfection is impossible.
i in now way consider a day like this possible.

better than xanax Part II

so my last couple of posts have been kind of angsty

for that, i don't apologize.  this blog is and always will be my self expression, and i only ever write blogs when i actually feel like i have something to say.

even if its only something like "i like cupcakes, they rock my socks."  i write that because at the time i am feeling it so strongly that i need to take that message, put it into a little cyber capsule, and jettison it into oblivion for whomever to find and read and take as they will.

that being said, part of the reason they've been angsty is because well, i've been feeling angsty.

especially at night, which is when i blog.

but i've not really been feeling angsty.  i've been feeling, sad.  there i said it.

you know how hard it is for me to admit that i'm sad?
its weird.  i'll admit i'm angry or frustrated or happy or just about any other emotion before i'll admit that i'm sad.

or embarrassed, for some reason i don't like admitting when i'm embarrassed.  it makes it worse or something.

anywho.

this whole sadness not admitting thing is probably a pride issue.  all issues turn out to be pride issues in the end.  its kind of connected to this underlying feeling i have that i have to act as if everything is okay all the time otherwise people will get upset with me, because me admitting that i'm troubled is actually on some level making trouble.

so there, i admitted it.  i can't admit that i'm sad.  but now i'm admitting it.  i'm sad.

except...

okay so basically this is how my life has been going down.  i wake up in the morning, late.

so already in my day i am a failure.  this is every day mind you.  i have no idea why on earth i can't wake up on time but golly gee have i not been working on it MY ENTIRE LIFE and jimminy willickers has it gotten WORSE WITH AGE!!

so invariably, my first action of every day is a screw up.

i don't even get a chance to do something right before i do something wrong.

after i get up late i will probably shower although that depends on how late i got up, get dressed into my work uniform and go to work.  then i will work super hard at a job that i feel terrible at if for no other reason then i can't seem to move fast enough.  i will get frequent annoyed and impatient looks from my supervisors, i will over compensate by doing an obscenely detailed job sweeping, then right when i think i'm getting the hang of things accidentally close the cash drawer before giving a customer their change, forcing me to call over a manager to open the drawer for me so i can retrieve it.

i will leave work after getting somewhere between three to five hours. which every paycheck adds to just under how much i need to do one thing on the list of many things i need the money for.  i will put in my lipring to feel like myself again, and depending on the day go to some kind of social activity with my friends hoping that i don't smell like deep fried fish planks.

then i will come home, i may or may not make myself food, watch television for an extended period of time and then get online to check facebook and tumblr and pinterest and any other social networking site i can think of.  it's about this time that my entire day settles over my head and i'll see something online that strikes a chord with me and i'll get really emotional and then i'll blog.

i'll remind and berate myself about how i'm not doing anything in my life that makes life worth living.  i'm not really serving anyone, i'm not creating anything, i'm not going anywhere, i'm not using my education.

then i will go to bed, knowing that the next day is going to be exactly like that day was.

believe me, i have a point to all of this.

so when it comes to where i am with God right now i'm all like "where do you want me to go?"  and God is all like "well, you're here right now."  and i'm like "well i'm not asking about right now, God.  i'm asking about what i am to be doing..."

i've been trying to be more intentional in my walk, specifically with prayer.  there have just been so many things circling my life that need prayer lately. people and circumstances.  and i know i need to pray more, not just my regular impulse prayers like "Dear God thankyou for not letting that bus hit me."  but more like actual "hey, God.  what's up?  so this is happening to me today, and by the way this is whats happening to all of my friends."

i believe in the power of prayer.  so why don't i use it?

over the summer i had another job that was giving me similar anxieties and it was awful, and then i chose to do this prayer routine with one of the youth group chicks and was amazed to discover that not only were my days going better but i was actually happy.

so today as i was driving home and thinking overwhelming thoughts about student loans and insufficiencies in my work and my self it occurred to me like a pudgy girl on the couch who said she'd run more (cause i'm that girl too) that i was by myself and maybe instead of jamming to ke$ha i should be talking to God.

"Hey...Father...um...I suppose you already know this but...i'm sad..."

sidenote:  you know i've been thinking about the word "sad" and wondering if there is a better more fitting synonym to use.  after all i see meme after meme on the internet making fun of people's limited vocabularies.  but the truth is i feel there is no better word that could quite describe it.

so i get home and i get online and i start checking things and i start watching youtube videos and i do laundry and i work on something for the dinner party i'm going to tomorrow and realize something.

i'm not thinking about all the crap in my life.  i'm thinking about what i'm doing.  thats it.

and i'm once again reminded about how just talking to God makes things better even though nothing in my life has changed...yet...i think i have some more praying to do.

feminazi: because wanting your gender to be treated like a human being, is just like invading poland

ugh.

here is what my blog would say if it were just a facebook post.

i feel that my only inhibition, to being uninhibited, is that i'm not pretty enough.


now for the regularly scheduled angry feminist blog.

its no secret that the world/media/society has a set of standards for all people, but more so for women that define beauty, narrowing its parameters so that it is next to unattainable.

(if you have any arguments about the "more so for women" caveat then i invite you to look at any tv sitcom and count the number of overweight men with attractive wives, verses the amount of overweight women with attractive husbands.)

the worst part about it i'm realizing is that besides the "you must look a certain way to be considered attractive and be taken seriously"  message that is being sent out is the additional "you can only do the things you want to do in life if you look the way we say you should."

i was watching a CW show the other day that featured three female lawyers.  not a single one of them was actually dressed professionally as would be expected in a work place. (and these women supposedly worked for the DA)  instead they were all wearing flowy scarves and blouses that looked more like a fashion magazine.  in addition to this, all of them were about 5'9" with a slim body build, probably about 110 pounds each. they were habeus corpus barbies.

i've heard many men say that they don't like it when women spend so much time on their appearance, and that they want girls to just "be themselves."

but i truly believe that they do not even realize what that would look like.  they imagine the same clean and made up girls, but in sweatpants.

i was once with a group of my guy friends, and we met a girl who didn't shave her legs.  its okay if those guys didn't find that attractive.  we all have tastes and preferences.  but they continued to make fun of her in conversations for nearly a year afterward, only ceasing when another girlfriend and i yelled at them for it.  but they didn't stop because they realized how offensive it was, they stopped because we yelled at them.

whenever i see a woman express herself completely, i try to imagine myself in her place, and realize that the main thing stopping me is that i don't fit that magazine pretty.  because when i was made fun of in school, it was often for doing normal things that every other girl did.  the only reason why i was made fun of for it and not other girls was because i wasn't as pretty as those other girls.

this isn't a cry for attention, i don't desire to hear assuring remarks about my appearance.  i just want women to be respected enough that they are allowed to be who they are and look how they look whether or not who they are and how they look fit together according to the rest of the world standards.

it hurts less to sleep than it does to dream

beautiful things make me sad anymore.

they make me feel like i'm missing something in my life.  something big and important.  i'm not really creating anymore.

creating is really important for humans.  especially creating beautiful things, because we are what we create.  if i ask myself if i'm beautiful i have to be honest and say...i have had my moments.  but not lately.

i think it is both man's blessing and his curse that we should not recognize our own moments of beauty until years later, and possibly  never.  so being beautiful is known to be an attainable goal, but one that we must constantly be striving for. 

i'm inpatient.

sometimes i really hate that i need people, that i get my energy from people, because i often feel like i need to have just a string of a few days all to myself, a string of a few weeks really, to fix myself.  and then when i've recovered i can re-enter society as the person that i'm supposed to be.  

you know how when you're running late it can start with something really small that throws your whole day off?  like you hit the snooze button one time too many or your pet makes a mess that needs immediate attention or you get stuck behind a train.  it only really takes a few minutes of your time but it takes you hours to get back on schedule.  i kind of feel that way about my whole life.  like one day in grade school i overslept and now i can't get back on track. 

but i'm getting derailed now actually.

i have this sinking feeling that my entire life i'm going to be doing everything to actually create something i'm proud of and for the rest of my life beautiful things will be making me sad.

i think that the easy assumption is that my job in fast food and having nothing in the foreseeable future but debt repayment is killing my soul.

of course i could just be a flawed human being.

not nothing i hope.

so...i think i might join the peace corps

this is a frustrating thought to me because believe it or not i'm a person who overanalyzes everything. (shocker i know)  i could explain alot of my anxiety by going back to just before i graduated college last may and explaining how i got into the situation i'm in now or rather how i failed to rise out of the situation i'm currently in but that would be quite the long blog and for those of you who actually read my ramblings and musings and whatnot would probably not be the most interesting or thought provoking of reads.

so basically my situation is that i am now the proud owner of a liberal arts degree but am working part time in fast food. 

i keep repeating in my head that its a blessing to have any kind of job at all.

i am now as we speak becoming the proud owner of a car.  my first that will be/is in my name officially. 

these both mean something very serious, and that is that i have to start paying off student loans (this coming month actually!)  and paying off this car that i've bought.

in the mean time i'm left to ponder on if i'll ever be able to get a job that is actually within the skill set i'm paying so highly for that is doing some actual good in the world.

not that i don't think serving fried foods to seniors is necessarily a bad thing...but...its not what i'm called to do!

the peace corps makes a lot of sense for who i am and where i am in life.  but i don't trust things that make sense. 

so i guess i'm going to make a pros and cons list now....

pros-

• i would be doing some good for humanity,
• i would get to travel,
• i would get some great experience in the social justice sector,
• i would meet new people and go to new places and possibly make new contacts for the future (yay networking!),
• when its over with they would set me up with a modest "life starter" fund, deferment of student loans...

cons-

• two years away from my loved ones!,
• i could get stationed (and would likely be stationed) in a country that isn't china (not that other countries are bad or don't need helping but i'm really passionate about china),
• and if the previous happens all my chinese i've worked hard to learn and i'm quickly forgetting would go to waste,
• i might get a job i don't like,
• i would be putting all of this money into a car that i would wind up not using

well it looks like pros and cons are equal, but if you'll notice all of the cons are basically my fears.  i'm afraid of being away from the people i care about, i'm afraid of being forced to deviate from my passions, i'm afraid that all my hard work will come to nothing, i'm afraid of being stuck in an awkward or uncomfortable situation.

so basically over all, i am afriad of doing the wrong thing!  and this makes me very mad at myself because this is sooo typically me.  this is why i stressed so much over changing majors in college, why i've neglected choosing so many opportunities because it might close the door to other opportunities that i don't have but would like to have. 

and as a tv show recently so poigniantly pointed out to me (a poigniant point he he) the only wrong thing is to do nothing, is to stay where i am...

that is of course unless God is telling me to wait.

and believe me its not that i've not been praying about it, but i think my affective filter is causing me to have some communication issues with the great I AM.  in other words, i am so very anxious about hearing the wrong message that i'm not hearing any messages at all.

meanwhile as i do nothing with my life i'm getting barely any hours at work and obsessing over how i need to lose weight and spending all my free time watching various television series on dvd/netflix.

oh God help me. 

i had a theory for a while that i think for the time was accurate that God was wanting me to take a break because in between my last job and this job i was getting sleep for the first time in literally years and it felt wonderful. 

i do not fear that God does not have a plan for me, or will guide me, or will provide for me financially and spiritually.  but i have fear in myself that i am such a screwed up person that i can not do what is the most necessary of tasks and that is make my life function.  while it inherently isn't a simple task i feel constantly as if everybody can do it but me.  and i catch myself asking God why he didn't make me more focused or less anxious or prettier or funnier or smarter or more talented.  but when you ask God all those things at some point it just comes to "why didn't you make me better than everyone in every way"  and then it kind of is just like asking "why didn't you make me like you"  which comes back to he did make us like him in that he made us in his image and its our choices that have brought us to where we are now, wallowing in a sea of imperfection that continually makes life difficult.

but i am who God made me and i am where he put me so what am i going to do about it?

musings

we're trying to figure out life.  we use images and words and sounds and colors and no color and everyone has their favorite method of doing it.  we get morally outraged and hypocritical.  we take pictures of ourselves in every position with every object in every style of clothing we can think of.  then we take off the clothing piece by piece until we're naked in every position imaginable. 

we're searching

then we put little captions on all the photos hoping that the less we say the more it means because if we believed we had to say more we know we'd never stop talking. 

all these things we do, the farming the industry the academia, we do in search of truth.  and then some of us figure this out.  we figure out that all we're doing is searching for truth.  then we feel as if somehow our searches for proof are more legitimate because we're aware of it then those who are not thinking of it in this way. and maybe that's true.  but the pride that comes with that belief if find distasteful in a way that makes me want to tear it down.  

we're searching and prideful

there are those of us who believe with heart and soul that truth is encapsulated in a compilation of texts that has been handed down for thousands of years. memorized and reworded and prayed and cried.  there are those who hold to this.  then there are those who think it could be anything but that so they search other texts and other words of other folks that they consider more meaningful and when asked why theirs is more legitimate reply "why is yours?" and so begin a cyclical fight that will never end.

there are those who think the truth is to fight.

and those who think the exact opposite.

there are those who get so frustrated that they say truth is only meaning that we choose for ourselves, and those who get so frustrated that they say none of it has meaning no matter what they think.  there are those that are fulfilled by incomplete answers and others with questions.

we're frustrated and searching and prideful

then we lose respect for each other when we find out if they're one of those whose truth ideologies are that which we find distasteful.

we're frustrated and searching and disrespectful and prideful and naked.

then someone says its all about how you feel and no one can decide how feeling is, if its all chemical or if there is a soul behind it and so they drink and smoke and huff and hope that if by playing with one they'll find answers to the other.

its become "its all good" or "nothing is good" and politically incorrect to be anywhere in between.

we're frustrated and searching and prideful and naked and insane.

so how could i possibly explain that i've figured it out?  that now to me your work is worthless and your hearts are priceless.  how could i explain that as it turns out those sacred texts discredited by so many are more accurate than your fashion pictures and music tracks and arguing?

all i can do is live this out in hopes that others will see that the truth is real and it lives in me.   that the truth is not what is seen or what is known but what is done when you don't know anything.

the show must go on.

today is just a weird day

its super cold out, which is typical for northwest Indiana considering it is October and also was in the seventies two days ago.

this morning i heard a car honk on the road, which is odd for the middle of nowhere, and looked over my shoulder, pulling a muscle in my neck.
since then while in town i have watched fashion videos for entertainment, a subject i have never cared for, drank two cups of coffee with creamer, a beverage i rarely drink, and burned two dishrags in my attempt at making a hot pack for my neck.  i was hungry so i reheated the food i brought, masala chicken and macaroni, and discovered three bites in that i didn't want it anymore, so put it back in the fridge.

so today i'm apparently a coffee drinking fashionista with an injured neck and bad luck with microwaves. (not that watching youtube videos qualifies me as a fashionista.  but you feel like one after a couple.)

still it's better being in town doing nothing then at home doing nothing, where the nothing i would be doing would involve extra guilt.  at least in town i feel like i'm doing something even if i'm not, and i'm also not in my pajamas anymore.

in the meantime i keep thinking about how its been five months since i graduated and i'm currently living at home working in fast food.

not that i expected to be a super successful woman or that life wouldn't be hard at this point.  but i at least expected some new problems in my life.  i expected for God to reveal some kind of unexpected job opportunity as soon as i graduated.  actually that's sort of what happened, but it only lasted two months.  i had a lot of great experiences this summer but i kind of wish i could do it over.  if i learned anything at all its that i should probably be on 2 or 3 different medications.  i'm trying to figure out if my life isn't moving forward because i'm doing something wrong, or because i'm not doing something i should, or if i just need to wait.  i know my future or God's plans for me no better or worse than i did five months ago, but five months ago i at least seemed to be moving forward, towards something, no matter what it could have been.

there's also this underlying pressure.  i feel like a lot of people in my life expect a lot from me.  and i have not disappointed anyone quite yet but there's an audience holding their breath waiting for me to do something.  except the director has given me no lines to recite so i just keep making stuff up.

I've been considering joining the peace corps.  i can't tell if its something God wants me to do, or if i'm just considering it because i don't see any other options.  do i not really want to do it or am i just scared? i'm more scared of doing the wrong thing than anything else.  afraid of the awkward situations that will come up because of it.  afraid of the stress it will cause, and me without the chemical tablets to handle it.

then again there is one thing that my high school drama teacher always used to say when we were improvising in the background or something like that.  she said "i'd rather you do something wrong than do nothing at all."  she was always talking to those students who were so unsure of themselves on the stage that they'd just kind of stand there, looking scared.  i never thought i'd be one of those kids.  as shy and awkward and weird as i am in almost every social and professional situation, when on the stage i always knew where i was and what to do.  but the thing about it is that you are never to do nothing.  you are always to do something.  even if someone else is talking and you're just in the background you are to keep busy and keep acting because just one person standing awkwardly can make a bad scene.

either way, i need to do something to feel like the plot is moving forward.

actions speak louder

i got into a discussion last week over whether or not God knew that adam and eve would eat the fruit.

this question is a big deal.  either he knew it would happen which means free will is an illusion.  God creating them knowing they would do what they did means that he created them to fall.  but if he didn't know then his all knowingness comes into question.

and i've come to a conclusion.  i don't think it has anything at all to do with what God can do, but what he does do.

God does create us all.  God does give us free will so that we make our own choices.

God can control us if he wants. God can do anything he likes, including knowing our decisions.

But I don't think God does.  Just because he doesn't does not mean he isn't all knowing.  But by knowing he is creating those who do not choose him to be damned.  And that isn't real free will.  Nor is it real free will if he only created those who would choose him.  He creates indiscriminatnly.  So it makes perfect sense to me that while he could know who will choose ultimately and who would not, there has to be a point where it is our decision and not his. 

It has nothing to do with who he can or can not do. and everything to do with who he does or does not do.

God is good.  He creates man to be good.  Whether we stay that way is completely our decision. 

The scenic route

why am i frustrated?

its how i've felt all day.  just frustrated.  over stupid things.  which means i'm not really upset about those things.  i'm upset over something else.  so what the heck is frustrating me so much?

i got mad when i couldn't hear my voice mail, and upset when my peanut butter cookies turned out to be really salty for some reason. i got mad when i landed a job interview tomorrow. WHATS WRONG WITH ME? THIS IS A GOOD THING!

a cloud then settled itself over my head for the rest of the day.

so around midnight i then decided to go for a jog.  thinking maybe i would find some kind of epiphany in the darkness.  that God would enlighten me.  and while the jog did do well to clear my head i came to no such realizations.  although i did feel some terror when i was still a quarter of a mile away from my house and i heard a pack of  yelping coyotes in the distance.  now no jogging after eleven. at least not alone.

then i came home and sat down at the computer only to feel a mouse crawl over my foot.  that was an hour ago. my feet or still propped up off the floor.

(sigh)

i think when it comes down to it i'm having some patience/control issues.

if you had asked me when i was six years old where i would be when i was twenty three i would have told you that i would be in egypt digging up mummies and reading hieroglyphs, married, and with hair down to my ankles.

if you had asked me the same question when i was sixteen i would have told you that i would be starving in chicago working part time as a barista but full time working on my acting dreams.

if you had asked me a year ago where i would be now i would have said "no idea, wherever God is leading."

i'm not frustrated with the prospect that i'm going to have to get a job in food service right now.  if this is what i need to do now, then this is what i need to do.  i'm not going to not work just because i can't find the job that i want.

but i have this really bad habit of feeling trapped when i make decisions, like i'm locking myself into one life forever.  if i get a job as a waitress, i'm going to be thinking, "what if i'm a waitress forever?"

which is a ridiculous thought.

there's what i want, and there's what "God wants.  and most of the time i think that what I want is the same as what God wants, and to be honest i'm not sure.  but one thing i'm sure of is that we disagree on how to get there.  God has a tendency of taking us the long way.  we get annoyed (and by we i mean i) because we think that he's doing it to intentionally frustrate us, or to show us the scenic route or something like that.  but in all liklihood its because we have some more growing to do before we reach our destination and the shortcut would get us there too early.

i want to get out of this house.  i want to have a job where i am ministering to people all the time.

but right now...today i got frustrated every time something didn't happen when i wanted it to, or didn't turn out how i wanted it to.  and right now in life i'm frustrated because things aren't happening when i want them to or how i want them to.

but...

i've started jogging recently.  i've tried "starting" before but it never took.  this time i'm actually doing it.  i'm dieting too.  not perfectly so but 90% sticking to it.  i was thinking yesterday about how if i had only started this sooner, like two years ago, or four, or six. i would already be healthy.  that was annoying to me because i knew the me of the past would have been so inpatient about the progress or lack there of she was making.  i know that because i'm inpatient now.  but i also know that i will never achieve anything unless i keep at it.

but at the same time, i know i wouldn't have been able to do it back then.  i know because i tried and i didn't.    something always got in the way.  i would be thinking about homework whenever i exercised, or wanted to exercise, and would opt to do that instead.  or something else like that.  i was always at a time in my life or a situation where i was incapable of committing, of focusing on it.

i take comfort in knowing that i did what i could when i could.  someday i'll be doing what i want to do with my life and i will think with frustration about how i could have been doing it all along had i started sooner, but will know in my heart that as of right now (future me's past) i'm doing what i can, when i can.

it really doesn't matter what i think.  i could turn my life over and over in my mind and think woulda coulda shoulda.  i can be mad its not different or have peace in how it is, or faith that it will change.  it really doesn't matter, because none of it will ever change the truth and that is that God is good.  no matter what i am or doing or think or feel, God is still good.

so...

Dear God,

i'm tired.  i'm tired of trying to rationalize it all.  I'm tired of trying to not want things.  I want to trust that you're leading me towards somewhere, anywhere, but I feel as if I don't hear your voice.  I feel like i've been stuck in this life going nowhere.  and i feel stupid for feeling this way.  i know i should always trust you, that you will provide for my needs, that you will know whats best for me.  but i'm tired of living in this house.  i'm tired of feeling useless.  i'm tired of getting into fights with my mom over nothing.  just because we're both too stubborn.  i'm tired of not being able to care for myself, or my family.  i'm tired of not being disciplined enough to accomplish things.  i'm tired of waiting for you to show me the way, or show me i'm wrong, or show me anything.  and every time i start to feel this way i get so mad at myself befcause i know that you are good, that you are in control, that you love me, that you will provide, so why can't i just be happy with my life the way it is?  why can't i mature passed the point of of all this.  whny can't i learn to not rely on my own understanding but to trust in you.  my family has been stuck in this hosue for so long father.  we are far from all of our friends and ministries and jobs.  we can't make ends meet where we are, and we're stuck in this cycle of inadequacy.  i'm tired of constantly being judged by other people for these reasons.  and i'm so mad at myself for being upset about all fo these things because you should be enough for me father.  and i know i my brain that you are more than enough but i feel so pained in my heart over all of these earthly things.  what am i doing wrong?  if you want me to make a chang ein my life i'll change it father so please tell me what it is you want me to do or not do or say or not say.  i don't care if its as small as calling someone or if its as big as moving across the world, i dont' know i just want to feel in this moment like i'm where i'm supposed to be.  why doesn't knowing your truth change how i feel father?  why was i so happy earlier today and why has it changed so drastically now?  and why am i so impatient?

i'm tired of all of the "if only" statements.  i'm tired of thinking "if only we could move out of this house." "if only i could get control of my weight."  "if only i could get some medication for my ADD" 

sometimes its just hard to believe that things will get better when they've stayed the same for so long.  yet i know you've been making changes in my life. 


i'll feel silly about this in the morning.

goodnight father.

to brush my teeth...

so.

as far as anxiety and depression have it, mine has lessened quite a bit.

i'm pretty sure we can attribute this to the fact that i'm no longer in a job i'm dramatically underqualified for, and being taken advantage of by those who hired me.

i'm in a better place.

that still doesn't mean i'm particularly happy with life right now.  but its a less panicky kind of unhappiness.  the kind thats a little too comfortable, like that pair of shoes that you keep wearing, despite the fact that you have tons of other really cute shoes you could be wearing, and would prefer to be wearing.  this pair is just really convenient to slip on when you're running out of the house, and they match what you've got on...most of the time.

i've been combatting this by actually trying to do productive things.  most days i'm not productive, but i try.  for instance, right before gencon i finally set up a much needed dentist appointment.  its september seventh if you wanted to know...i'm excited about it.

basically, now is the perfect time for me to actually start doing all of the things i've been trying to start for a while now.  i can start exercising, and i cna find a job that fits me.  i can restart my old hobbies.  the problem is that i am out of practice of all of these things, and if there is one thing i am bad at, it is starting new habits.

i'm bad at habit forming

especially when my life is currently void of routine enforcing acticities (you know like school or work, the things you wake up in the morning to do)

i need a reason to wake up in the morning...

night time ramblings

Let me preface this with saying that i have not been sticking to my praying schedule this week.

i prayed once today

there are things i know i need.  things like add medication and possibly treatment for my anxiety.
i am aware that these chemical imbalances in my brain alter my perception of reality just enough for me to be aware of the problems i face, but incapable of fixing them on my own.

then the contradictory voice begins in my brain.

it says "no one can do it on their own, you're not special in this. therefore this is not an excuse for you, because everyone else seems to be doing fine.  why can't you?"

i recognize the paradox in this statement.  no one can do it on their own because of life obstacles yet they somehow do it anyway?  and i'm the only one who apparently lets my own inability to do "it" on my own get the better of me?

that doesn't stop it from being said.

like there is something the entire world has that i don't.  like there is something that gives them the ability to succeed or whatever. not even succeed.  to be happy.

then there is this other voice, that's all like "no one is happy."

yet everyone is happy but me, even though no one is.

essentially what it all comes down to is this weird idea that i face no more or less than any other human being in life and therefore should be capable of overcoming what i face, but am currently incapable, and therefore currently inferior in every way to the rest of human kind.

this my friend, is what we call a bad box.  i won't go into what triggerd it.  part of it is the time of day.  i know its at night when i begin to get depressed about my life.  which is so stupid to me right now.  i'm so mad about all of this.  it was all supposed to be better by now!  i was fighting all of this anxiety about school and i wanted it to be done and then school ended and this was supposed to be when i would finally be allowed to begin something special, something different, something new.  and even though i knew it was going to be scary and hard it was still going to be great, because if i am sure of anything in this world it is that God is the giver of scary and hard and great lives.

but its not scary and hard and great.  its just not anything.  i feel so stuck.  i'm in a situation that by all logic should be the best for me and its the worst.  and i don't know how to change it.  because of promises i've made to myself or i feel i've made to  other people i have to stay where i am but i don't know if thats really what i should be doing.  but even if i'm sure of what i shouldn't be doing i have no idea what i should be doing in its stead.

one of the most beautiful pieces of advice i've heard more than once is "when you don't know what it is that God wants you to do, focus on who God wants you to be."  thats what i was thinking about this morning.  as opposed to yesterday morning where i was thinking "i bet the peace corps would be a good move."

grrrrrr

so i think, what is it about "who" i am that needs altering.  the only thing i can think of really at this time is my perspective which is kind of how i got on this train of thought to start with. 

what i want more than anything right now is for my mind to not be focused on me.  let it not be about me.  let it be about everyone else but me.

but right now i'm tired, and i'm burned out.  i'm continually being used by this world and not giving myself the time to fill myself again. 

i'm trying to figure out when my insecurities became anxieties.  when my boredom became emptiness,  when ...

 it feels like either i did something wrong to cause these issues which means its  my fault which makes me feel worse, or its the worlds fault which means there is nothing i can do about it.

and there i am acting like i'm alone in this, like i don't have a savior who loves me, whom i have not been talking to lately as i promised.

i've got this list in my heart characteristics i feel i should have.  its not one that i've published on this blog or any other.  i've made lists of goals and dreams before but this list is almost more shallow.  this is the if i were to be able to rewrite my personality and pick any set of looks that i wanted sort of list.  it doesn't feel like i'm compromising who i am to try to achieve this list but i'm definitely compromising who God is.  when we reach for standards set by the world or based upon our own understanding and not by that of God's then we completely undermine everything he's said or done for us.  how can i stand and claim Jesus as Lord and then turn around and follow the world like an injured puppy.  in truth its not that i want grace.  i don't want forgivness for who or what i am.  i want to be changed, i wante to be fixed. 

Better than xanax

my anxiety has been coming down on me pretty hard the last few weeks

it has gotten to the point where i've been having anxiety attacks almost daily

so this week started out about the same

but...

sunday during youth group we were challenging the girls with doing things this week that could help them develop a closer relationship with God

one of the things was setting time aside for prayer.

this one girl had already gotten this challenge card from a youth convention they went to, where it challenged her for one year or something like that to pray on her knees three times a day, and read the book of daniel

since she's already been challenged in this way, and she hadn't started it yet, i decided i would do it with her

so she won't feel alone you know?

we started monday, she picked three times. and i have alarms set on my phone for each of those times

monday was okay, it was my day off. and then monday evening i started having an anxiety attack and was really really depressed on tuesday morning

i came to work, and was trying to work through it, when my alarm went off to pray

i got on my knees and prayed, just as i had been on monday, about anything that popped into my mind. successions of people i knew and what i knew they were going through, and whatever i didn't know about that they were going through. i prayed that this student would be inspired and know what to say, and i prayed that God would dispell all of my anxiety.

its strange because i've prayed for help with it before. but my prayers have always been in my head or something. i don't know, i guess i was talking at God and not to him. something about the whole knees thing makes it like a real conversation, cause it is.

it completely turned my day around yesterday, the praying

and then i continued it today of course

and today has been great

and its only my third day praying, but i realize i need this

we try to make God this practical thing that fits into our lives, but God is so big, he doesn't fit into our lives. we fit into his

we try to "have time" for God, but time is his to start with

Martin Luther said ""If I fail to spend two hours in prayer each morning, the devil gets the victory through the day. I have so much business I cannot get on without spending three hours daily in prayer."

sweatpants

i'm at this point in my life where i only want to wear sweatpants all the time forever

i don't see this as a good thing.

first of all, i have htis job now, where while there isn't an official dress code, i have to look some level of "professional"

secondly, i have difficulty with my self esteem to start with, the last thing i need is to stop caring about my appearance

and finally, closely related to the second point, this is quite reminiscent of how i used to act when i was a kid and crazy depressed.  thats a part of my life i want to stay gone forever, and the idea of it creeping back on me is unsettling.

"so sara, whats the big deal, just put on some not sweatpants and get on with your life"

its not. that. simple.

the desire to only wear sweatpants will not just go away with a cute outfit.  this is a symptom of something else.  something deeper.

i feel trapped anymore.

its pretty rough right now. ihave this constant voice in my head telling me everything i'm doing wrong and everything i need to do and won't get done and there is no ending in sight.  and i have another voice telling me that i'm being irrational.  that i'm very blessed to be in the position i am in.  that everyone has to work hard and go through these periods of doing seomthing else so that in the long run they can do what they really love. 

but i think both of these voices are wrong.  at least in their attitudes if not their words.

i'm frustrated with all of this.  some moments it feels like there is utterly no prospect of getting any better, and other moments i see clearly that there is a simple solution, and i have to just be patient.

but i'm reaching the end of my rope with patience here. there are a handful of situations i've been in in my life that i have known clearly that it was not only where i was supposed to be but i knew exactly what i was doing.  i fit.  and i'm scratching my head as to why i'm just not putting mysel fin those situations constantly and what i'm doing here.

i make these lists...

when i get really anxious and i start to panic and don't know what to do, i make these lists involving whatever it is im freaking out about so that i feel in control.  thats the only purpose they really serve.  i never follow the lists.  i forget aobut them or something.  but justmaking them gives me this illusion of being in control or at the very least like i'm not spinning out of control. 
the lists might just be of all the things i need to do that are swirling about in my brain, or it might be a list of things i want to ask somebody or a lists of things i need to get at the store.  they are always lists of things that i'm not so much afraid i'll forget, but that i am so irreversably aware of their existence, i have to pluck them from the air above my head and minimize them to a bit of paper.

i could rant for longer but i'm very tired, and sleep will allow me to not think about anything for a few hours.

midnight musings on monotony...cause alliteration is fun thats why

i don't like this part of the day.  i'm so tired, and i get so anxious and depressed.  and i don't want to go to bed because i know it will mean having to wake up again and face all the things i don't feel up to handling.  most nights its like this. and i have to put so much effort into ridding myself of it now because it has the potential to carry over into the morning, and i hate waking up how i went to sleep. the biggest mistake is surrendering to the lurking notion that there is no end to this, and no hope of change.  two of the biggest comforts in my life is that it is both natural for it to end and to change.  we are never stuck forever.  no matter how bad it can get there is always a way out, either through natural change, or through death.  that might be morbid or seem pessimistic to you but i mean it whole heartedly.  as i've send before, ends are inevitable but really its beginnings that require a choice. 

i thought earlier for some reason that i wished my life were more like the after picture, rather than the before picture.  you know the one i'm talking about, the one where the person is happier and thinner and for some reason has whiter teeth.  then i thought that its possible that i'd be the before picture for the rest of my life.  then it occured to me that that just might be how its meant to be.  we are all in our before pictures, and God is working in us to create the after picture which we will never see in this lifetime. 

it would be easy to say that in heaven we'll all look like super models and live in pinterest decorated mansions, and always be on time, and never get humiliated again, and no one will ever feel alone or forgotten or like they have to compete with the rest of the world.  but i think this cheapens paradise.  even what is considered perfection on earth has to be extremely flawed when compared to eternity with the creator.

but i digress from the topic of how i feel right now, and that is like there is no end, just monotonous mornings and evenings. 

life takes crazy turns we don't expect, and i may not get the life i want, but i won't believe for a second that its going to be a life i'm unhappy with .  that is for certain.

how i feel right now is not reality, or it is if you consider reality to be whatever meaning we ascribe to the physical realm.  so i guess it is if this is the meaning i ascribe to it.  however my meanings are my choice in that matter.  therefore i choose that this is not the meaning. 

i really just need to go to bed.

theories

I remember being at a youth conference in high school, and the speaker of the evening Jason French had all of us in the room stand.  I believe this was in Adrian, Michigan.  Now when I say all of us, I mean there were at least six hundred students in that room, plus youth leaders and ministers.  This was a large amount of people.

He was talking about faith, and I don't remember his exact point at the time, but i remember distinctly this example.  He had us sit back down, section by section, until only a quarter of us were standing still.  Then he told us in all earnestness that this was the amount of us who would statistically still be believers after college...

1..in 4...

Three out of four students leave their faith in college.  The numbers may vary by region, or be skewed by school.  But for the most part I believe these numbers are accurate.  Of the first four student leaders in my youth group I was the only one that didn't leave the church at some point.

It's very lonley being in that situation, following a faith when your peers fall away, combatting the attitude that living in the world and doing all the things that everyone else does is "not a big deal" yet still important enough that it should be pursued. 

The  theory I've heard most often as to why we lose so many at this age is because we aren't properly equipping them as teens or children to stay grounded in the faith.  We aren't teaching them the right verses, or the right answers to give when someone asks them or something.  We take it as a personal failure onto ourselves.

Then others say that college age people are for the first time "thinking for themselves," and therefore are experimenting and cultivating different avenues of thought and that is what takes them away. 

However I have another idea in my mind as to what it is, and its not dissimilar from these notions, but is slightly different in that it isn't a "college aged" problem, its a people problem.

It's not about freedom, or preparedness.  It's about control.

What caused me to think this is something else I was thinking about in my own life. I'm feeling frustrated at the moment.  I feel like I'm not serving adequately or enough or something.  When looking over my life and asking "what is it that has made living about me more than about others?" I figured out that before when I was in high school I was completely reliant upon my parents and therefore didn't have to worry about myself, how i ate, or how i got what i needed.  Trusting my entire existence to my parents was natural and easy, and since I didn't have to worry about the things that I needed, I could put my attentions onto what others' needed.

When you get to college age, you're suddenly responsible for yourself in ways you haven't been before.  Obviously some moreso than others, but the every day needs you always had which were pushed to the back of your mind are pulled back into the front of your mind and you realize "I can't do this for soandso, I've got things to do."

I genuinly don't think its the freedom thing or the equipping thing.  Its the responsibility thing.

And ultimately, this in itself is a failure in faith, because we should be trusting our entire existence upon Gods provision.  It is in doing this that we free our hands to do his work.  Obviously this is easier said than done, but that is just another trick of the world when you think about it.  We're tricked into believing that it is a selfish thing to not take care of our own needs, when really this is the very thing that God instructs us to do, meanwhile also instructing us to take care of each other.

The one thing I've noticed in common with anyone who has walked away from the church is that they made choices indicating they were living for themselves and no one else, and the world was justifying that choice. 

It's not just the big things like food and clothing and service its the little things too.  Things like being slow to anger, (which his actually a big one to me) asking others how they're doing and meaning it, or planning your life around your ministry, not your ministry around your life. 

I think college kids forget that there is someone taking care of them.

God's timing...

So yesterday was very hot...


It was three thirty in the afternoon.  I had just spent a long hot day at the European market in Chesterton, and after packing everything into the van I had finally left.  Having only one dollar left in my wallet, my brother being the dear sibling he is offered to buy me a cold bottle of water which I needed badly.

Then I dropped him off and was on my way back to the store to unpack the van.  But on my way I spotted a homeless man, trudging on the sidewalk, clutching a paper cup which I could only assume was water on such a hot day.  But I could not assume the water was cold, or was enough.

I had the impulse to buy the man a cold bottle of water, and I took it, knowing that if I thought it through too much I would rabbit out and then feel guilty later.  I couldn't give this guy a home, or new clothes, or even food.  I didn't have any of those things.  All I had was my dollar, and some change, that I hoped I would be able to buy a bottle of water with.

So I turned on my signal to go left into the 7-Eleven, and of course was stopped by a stream of oncoming traffick.  At first I was annoyed at this, but the thought suddenly entered into my brain "God's timing."  I realized that the man was walking, and going much slower than I had been going in my van.   It was very likely that I would be able to buy the water, and turn back down the road to give it to him before he passed where I was.

So I just kept saying it to myself.  "Gods timing, God's timing, God's timing..." over and over, and letting myself take the time the task needed, and not getting rushed and flustered.  I was able to buy a bottle of water, and go back, but I could not find the man at all. 

This was confusing to me.

Let's backpedal a bit.  The reason why I followed this impulse is because I felt that it had come from God.  Never have I followed an impulse like this and regretted it.  When God puts these ideas into my head and I follow through with them I very often see that I did exactly what I was supposed to.  I've also been on the receiving end of these impulses.  There have been times in my life when someone I barely knew at all or even a complete stranger looked me straight in the eye and told me God was with me when I was going through a rough time, and giving me insight incredibly pertinent to whatever it was I was going through at the time.  These aren't normal impulses like bursting into song or buying ice cream.  These are calls to move.

So when I bought the water it was confusing to me as to why its intended was no where to be found.  But I still had to work, and chose not to dwell too much on it.  I had stopped repeating "God's timing" to myself.

I brought the bottle into the store with me, as I didn't want it to get warm in my van outside.  It sat on my desk for a time, and then having decided that even though I had already had a bottle of water, and was then at a location where I had running water at my disposal, I would go ahead and drink the bottle I had just bought for the homeless man in the heat.  I was still dehydrated after all, and I hadn't been able to find him, so it made sense.

Then I got off work, and went to Aldi to pick up some snacks with my brothers card for the gaming session I was having with my friends that night.  Rushing out of the parking lot I once again spotted the homeless man.  But this time I had no water, and no more dollar.  Only my brother's credit card, and no permission to buy a bottle of water with it. 

It didn't make sense that I saw the man there.  When I had seen him before, he had been walking Westward towards downtown.  He was now on the East side of town, literally in the opposite direction I had seen him going. 

The thing is though, I had been so keen before to stay patient and trust in God's timing.  I truly believed when buying the water that I would be able to get the water to that man, and I didn't have to worry about traffick or check out lines impeding me, because this was a Spirit impulse. 

But this act of Jesus for some reason still had ramifications for me.  Even though I was "trusting" in God's timing, I expected to give the water at a certain place, at a certain time.  And when that time and place passed I gave up.  I drank the water myself, even though I had already had water, and had access to clean cold water for free where I was. 

I don't think God sacrificed this man's need for my lesson.  He had a cup already, I have no doubt God was providing this man with water.  But God was still reminding me of his timing. 

I/We do this in life all the time.  We see a need in our lives and say we trust that God will provide, then get discouraged when God doesn't fulfill the need at the exact time, and in the exact way that we think he should.  The best example I can think of is how my family has been wanting to move out of the Demotte area for the last four years.  The problem is that we're stuck here.  We can't afford the cost of a move, and can barely afford the place we live in now.  My mother keeps saying "When God provides a way we'll move."  But I've been getting frustrated with this, with God, and chomping at the bit.  "No!" I think, "We need to move now!" 

But moving, just like many things in life, is like a bottle of water you buy for a homeless man.  All He asked me to do was buy the water, then go about my business.  God was choosing the when and the where,  and he in his superior knowledge would have his reasons.  Just like conditional love isn't actually love, conditional faith isn't acutally faith either.  If we believe in God's provision, then we believe in His timing as well. 

So hold on to your bottle of water for as long as it takes, because God will let you share it when its time.

plans A-Z

its the stress!
you offer cigarettes
just how is sucking poison supposed to make me feel better?
first its smoking
then its choking
and then its rigour which is the tensest kind of tense.

and the drinks
they make me tired
which makes me want to stay awake
because as soon as i lie down
the shorter it will take
for me to wake up
and have to face the world again.

but sleep is what i need
more than anyone or anything
because if there's one place i can forget
its where my head meets my bed

but if i forget then i'll have to remember
because the spark will remain, the memories ember.
and when i've hit the last snooze and my eyes open
i'll have to find a conscious method of coping

and so my neck will feel this pain
my mind will buzz
motivation will wane
i will eat more
and over sleep
i'll snap, i'll grump, i'll sigh, i'll weep

but i will still get up
and brush my teeth
i'll pick out clothes that make me look thinner
wash my face, pack my dinner
and another day will be gotten through

so there is just one thing left to do.

"Oh God I can't make it without you.
You know I need this confidence boost.
I'm sorry I've doubted your truth
that love and compassion will always pull through.
I'm sorry I listen to the standards of the world
please turn me into a better girl.
Stand by my side, don't leave my mind
whisper in my ear that it will be alright.
Because you are God and you are good'
though i don't always do as I should
inspire me today
let this tension melt away
give me that bit of release
give my mind peace."

why smoke, drink, sleep, or eat, when you can pray...

HOBBIES HOBBIES HOBBIES

Now that college is over, my time is to be reorganized.

Let's break this down.

There are approximately 168 hours in a week.  (Assuming I just did the math in my head correctly.  I am a bachelor of ARTS after all.  math almost failed me.)
40 hours a week of work is whats been deemed humane, but lets be reasonable here.  I'm going to be working non-profit, and probably and extra job on the side just to keep the bills paid.  So lets be nice and say 50 hours a week for work.

Ideally I would like to spend 15-20 hours at church.  Let's say 20.

Now the world says I need eight hours of sleep a night, so six nights a week thats 48 hours.

168-118= 50 hours a week.  My daily commute round trip is approximately 80 minutes, or an hour 20.  Times seven thats nine hours and twenty minutes.

So i have 40 hours and 40 minutes of free time that would have previously been mostly dedicated to either the doing of homework, or the stressing about homework if i wasn't doing it.  A full time jobs worth of worrying and stressing. 

I plan on losing my college weight, ya'll.
I'm going to read more books.  Starting with more Terry Prachett.
It's been too long since I've picked up my clarinet.
And there's a couple of other instruments i've been iching to learn.

Ladies and gentlemen.  I give you...FREE TIME.

My new mantra.

You can't stop change.

You can stop progress.  You can stop growth.  You can direct and redirect the course of your life.  But the course will always continue.  You cannot stop change.

I believe that we never wake up the same person we were yesterday.  Something was learned the day before that has since been processed in our sleep.  Some food was consumed that added nutrients or protein that hadn't been there, and it has since been metabolized.  Anyone who has lived past the age of five has got to have figured out that things can be completely different in an instant.  One day you will come home from school and find out that you're moving, or your mother's expecting, or someone is sick, or someone got a job, or someone lost a job.

I see change as I do many things, as being ultimately neutral.  Obviously there are good and bad changes.  It would be oblivious of me to believe that some changes were not positive or negative.  But what I mean is that we always have some kind of choice to make when we're approached by change.  It's not just the change that will be positive or negative, but our response to it.  I also see change as being neutral because of this innate sense I have of it all just evening out.  As if just as many bad things will happen as good things.  I have no proof of this, nothing scriptural or scientific.  It's just sort of the way I've always seen things.  It's also made me kind of nervous whenever something really good happens to me, as if something bad is waiting around the corner to even the score.  My life has never been like that.  It's never been that something awesome has happend and then almost immediately something terrible.  So I don't know why I even have this idea in my head.  But I think it is all just the basic knowledge that good and bad things will happen to everybody.  And because change is inevitable, both good and bad, I see it as neutral.  Time is neutral, and change is synonymous with time.

People say they don't like change.  At least I've never heard a person say "I love change."  I don't think that people actually don't like change, I just think that they don't like knowing change is happening.  When change happens slowly and gradually people accept it and even enjoy it.  Change such as the sun setting, or flowers blooming, or something like that.  When a big change happens in their life, so long as they don't think about it in terms of how their life will never again be "the same" they are more often than not excited, maybe nervous, but not upset.

So long as people don't realize change is happening they're excited.  People are perfectly content letting the world rise and fall, deteriorate and rebuild around them.  We are completely self-centered (and I can't imagine how we could be otherwise) and so long as we don't have to lift a finger and it doesn't really change our routine we're fine with change.

I guess I'm musing over time and change in this existentialistic manner because there are a lot of changes happening with me right now.  Graduation obviously, but other things as well.  And I am having this inner war with myself constantly anymore.  I'm being tossed around inside my own head between opinions and feelings about the whole thing.  I just don't know what to do.  I don't know if this is anxiety, or I'm just tired, or what.  It annoys me that the only possible causes I can think of are chemical.  But I can't think of why I would actually be feeling this way. 

It's just a lot at once.  I'm ascribing meaning to everything.  There is suddenly symbolism in the skies and I've never thought that way before, or if I have it was never so relevant.  (BTW, symbolism in the skies is the name of my next skoth band.) 

If there is any kind of conclusion I am attempting to lean to it is that there are a lot of changes happening in my life right now and I'm freaking out a little.  In the morning I face it wearily, in the afternoons I force optimism upon myself, in the evenings I go home somewhat satisfied, and then at night I start to freak out.  Maybe I should just go to bed earlier.

I said last night in a phone conversation with a friend that the knowledge that we would smile again someday was enough reason to smile now.  I believe that in my mind but still can' t muster the feeling in my heart.  Still I remember getting this weird depression when I was graduating high school too, as if there was no more point to life anymore.  But doesn't that make sense, from a mental perspective I mean?  New beginnings are a choice.  Ending's not so much.  Things will always end at some point, but for things to begin there has to be a choice, a spark, or something.  Someone has to make the decision to move forward, otherwise whatever change occurs (because change will occur)  will be less like the budding of a plant and more like the molding of a fungus.  But doesn't it make sense like to feel it's all over once everything you've been working for for years is finished?

I am finished.  And now I have to make the choice to get started.  Because otherwise I'll just sit here and mold.

I have to believe that once I get going I'll gain momentum.  I have to believe that I'll smile again even though all the things that have made me smile have the potential to fade away from my life.  The potential to smile in the future is enough of a reason to smile now.  The potential for a cultivated life in the future is reason enough to start one.

And suddenly like a caress to the mind I remember a piece of scripture that has become quite important to me this past year. 

Philippians 1:6

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

God isn't finished with me yet.  He's still working in me and cultivating me no matter what.  Change is inevitable because it is His hand that propels the stars. And what new beginnings I have to offer no matter how nerve racking they may be will usher in new joys, and the potential to smile tomorrow is reason enough to smile today.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

So, I've been struggling with this sort of depression thing all week. There are moment when I feel its on the mend but it turns itself around. What really disturbs me about it is that I'm having trouble pinpointing the why of it. I'm not one to commonly have difficulty finding the root of my feelings. It's one of the reasons that I don't stay mad at anyone for very long, one of the reasons why I come to the decisions that I make. Even though I can be indecisive its because I look at all the options but take the time to figure my feelings in a situation out. And yes, I over analyze practically everything.

So when it comes to this funk i've been in, for lack of a better term, it would be super easy to blame stress, senioritis, health issues, lack of sleep, or maybe I'm holding onto something in my heart that I shouldn't be. There are many factors in my life that could lead to these emotions but for some reason none of them seem to fit right, and I don't believe it to be all of them at once. Its perplexing.

I've been short with people this weekend. I don't normally do that. So if i've been short with you lately, i apologize and shall try to be taller.

So I find myself at the old blog again which was always a place where I could work out whatever the heck it was that was on my mind. Its the next best thing to talking out loud for me. And quite frankly I'm much too in the mood for no talking.

So there are two kinds of meaning to me. You can disagree with this, many do, philosophers argue about it, but this is what I see. The first kind of meaning is what we give to it. This is what we often mistake in our minds as "deeper meaning" when say reading literature or studying art. I think the artist was thinking one thing, and the audience another, and basically the meaning of all matter around us winds up to be some sort of projection. It's like my mother says in response to how people treat one another. "People typically expect others to do what they themselves would do." That's why some people feel completely justified in talking about others behind their backs, because in their mind, those people of whom they speak are doing exactly the same thing. So when people talk about social networking about being more than just a network but about individuals trying to define themselves, or trying to present a picture of themselves out into the world to be seen a certain way and those pictures may or may not be "accurate." It is then that we are projecting another layer of meaning onto the whole social networking phenomenon. A meaning that if you were to ask me I would say were most likely a result of the invention of social networking, and not the cause. Because you see first people networked, and then they projected meaning onto that.

The second type of meaning would be the more controversial of the statements, and comes from the fact that i'm theistic, and that is the meaning God ascribes to everything. Now here's the thing, that meaning is actually the first kind. If we are to see God as creator then any meaning he gives is meaning he projects, just as we project meaning. The only difference is he is God and we are not and that means that his meaning is the only meaning that really...well...matters.

I can say that a job opportunity has meaning for me because it is a representation of my dreams and aspirations, but its true meaning is however it fits into God's plan for my life.

And just because I say plan does not mean I mean destiny. I don't believe in destiny, and I don't believe in fate, I believe in choices. I believe in right choices and wrong choices. I believe that God ascribes meaning to the horrors of our life because he is gracious, and does not create horrors in our life because of meaning.

So what makes me so unbelievabley frustrated is when I am so influenced in my emotions and my perspectives because of CHEMICALS.

And I wonder if I can't think of an emotional or situational reason why I've been so down (even though there are many emotions and situations that could push me into such a state) I imagine it has something to do with some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain. And that frustrates me. A lot.

So whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes, I stand on Mt. Crumpet hating the who's.

Or something...

I think I have senioritis and its worse because of brain chemistry. Lack of dopamine and all with the attention deficit and the unhealthy lifestyle of a college student. Dehydration, high carb low vitamin diet, and ignoring health issues for way too long because it would be just too complicated and time consuming to look into them.

So if it's God it will work out because he is bigger than my life, and if its chemicals I suppose i'll figure that out too, and if its any circumstances then i should stop projecting meaning and snap out of it.

It's like when you're a kid and your parents are telling you to finish your food, and you don't want to, and by now whatever distateful meal thats in front of you is cold too and beginning to congeal but you have to finish it bite after bite at a time and every single one of those bites is an eternity but you have no choice but to keeping going. And meals do end sometime.

Every last bite of this meal is making me gag but I have no choice but to keep eating.
And I have a very long running list of how my life will change for the better when this mess is all over.
Because it will be better, and it will be over. Sooner than I feel, but eternity never feels soon.

OPTIMISM

I've decided to make a list of my dreams. But first, I would like to make a distinction between dreams and goals. The list I am about to make will be a list of things I want to be/accomplish, its true, however some of them may be a little more fanciful than actual realistic goals. (This does not make them impossible, more like a "if I had my druthers" sort of situation.)

Furthermore, these are things that I would like, but there are limits to how far I will go, or what lines I will cross to accomplish them. I will not for instance, pick any one of these instead of taking a path I feel God is leading me towards. You may see this as a cop out, but its isn't. It is an honest to goodness statement, that in the long run whatever God has planned for me will be better then whatever plans I have for myself. I will be happier, and I will make a better and bigger impact on the world.

Another thing that makes these dreams and not goals is their relationship with one another. The list as a whole might be a little hard to accomplish for one person. I could maybe get one or two of them, but in addition to the rest of life there will be little time left to pay attention to any more. And I need my sleep.

Some of them are simple, and my not require much effort, the primary obstacles are more in my mind than anything else. Others of them may seem very complex and could take years to accomplish. I have no idea how much time I have on this planet. I could die today, I could die in 60 years. You just don't know.

1. Work in China for a non-profit. -This could be a job where I just have to travel to China a lot, or actually live there for a time. But I want to do something beneficial to humanity, I want to do it in China, and I want to put my Chinese to good use, which brings me to my next one...
2. Become proficient in Chinese.- I am only in my second year, and about to graduate, so actually continuing to learn this foreign language is going to require some real effort on my part.
3. Learn to play the cello.- I don't want to be a master cellist, I just want to be able to hold my own musically with the thing. This is a dream that will require some dedication as well as moolah. I can hold my own with the clarinet and I've had seven years training in that. I think I could hold my own by 4 years, but a string instrument is a different animal so we'll have to see.
4. Become a professional blogger.- I don't have the highest readership with this thing. My myspace one had about 30 though. I've just discovered that this is something I enjoy, and I wouldn't mind being paid to do it.
5. Be a healthy weight for my height and body type.- Okay this is one that should be easier than I make it but that doesn't make it easy. I've been overweight for a s long as I can remember, but not nearly to the extent that I have been recently. My dream is 145, and that is at the top of what's healthy for my shape and height. To be honest, I'd be happy with 150, or 175. As of right now to achieve this dream weight I'd have to lose 75 lbs. Benefits from this? I'd feel better, have an easier time finding clothes that fit. I wouldn't run through clothes as much as the wear and tear would be diminished. And whether or not people choose to admit it, I'd probably make a bigger impact in the work place. It's hard enough to be successful as a woman, try being an overweight one. As women our looks matter unfortunately.

These dreams are not requirements in my life to be happy. I can be happy without all of these things. They are things I would like, and all of them represent something bigger. The truth is that I have trouble achieving things. I do well in structured environments but when left to my own devices there is very little productivity in my psyche. All of these will require discipline, and that above all of these other things is what I really want. I want to be able to wake up on time, to be able to start and finish things, and the ability to decide I want to do something, and then do it, not pine because I try and can't. A lot of my struggles are rooted in my ADD, which as a disorder cause a lot of problems. I can't organize my time, can't stay focused on projects, and so forth. But if I could become a disciplined person I could work around my ADD.

Someday I may reread this list and decide I don't want these things anymore, and that's fine. But I never want to look back and regret not trying.