night time ramblings

Let me preface this with saying that i have not been sticking to my praying schedule this week.

i prayed once today

there are things i know i need.  things like add medication and possibly treatment for my anxiety.
i am aware that these chemical imbalances in my brain alter my perception of reality just enough for me to be aware of the problems i face, but incapable of fixing them on my own.

then the contradictory voice begins in my brain.

it says "no one can do it on their own, you're not special in this. therefore this is not an excuse for you, because everyone else seems to be doing fine.  why can't you?"

i recognize the paradox in this statement.  no one can do it on their own because of life obstacles yet they somehow do it anyway?  and i'm the only one who apparently lets my own inability to do "it" on my own get the better of me?

that doesn't stop it from being said.

like there is something the entire world has that i don't.  like there is something that gives them the ability to succeed or whatever. not even succeed.  to be happy.

then there is this other voice, that's all like "no one is happy."

yet everyone is happy but me, even though no one is.

essentially what it all comes down to is this weird idea that i face no more or less than any other human being in life and therefore should be capable of overcoming what i face, but am currently incapable, and therefore currently inferior in every way to the rest of human kind.

this my friend, is what we call a bad box.  i won't go into what triggerd it.  part of it is the time of day.  i know its at night when i begin to get depressed about my life.  which is so stupid to me right now.  i'm so mad about all of this.  it was all supposed to be better by now!  i was fighting all of this anxiety about school and i wanted it to be done and then school ended and this was supposed to be when i would finally be allowed to begin something special, something different, something new.  and even though i knew it was going to be scary and hard it was still going to be great, because if i am sure of anything in this world it is that God is the giver of scary and hard and great lives.

but its not scary and hard and great.  its just not anything.  i feel so stuck.  i'm in a situation that by all logic should be the best for me and its the worst.  and i don't know how to change it.  because of promises i've made to myself or i feel i've made to  other people i have to stay where i am but i don't know if thats really what i should be doing.  but even if i'm sure of what i shouldn't be doing i have no idea what i should be doing in its stead.

one of the most beautiful pieces of advice i've heard more than once is "when you don't know what it is that God wants you to do, focus on who God wants you to be."  thats what i was thinking about this morning.  as opposed to yesterday morning where i was thinking "i bet the peace corps would be a good move."

grrrrrr

so i think, what is it about "who" i am that needs altering.  the only thing i can think of really at this time is my perspective which is kind of how i got on this train of thought to start with. 

what i want more than anything right now is for my mind to not be focused on me.  let it not be about me.  let it be about everyone else but me.

but right now i'm tired, and i'm burned out.  i'm continually being used by this world and not giving myself the time to fill myself again. 

i'm trying to figure out when my insecurities became anxieties.  when my boredom became emptiness,  when ...

 it feels like either i did something wrong to cause these issues which means its  my fault which makes me feel worse, or its the worlds fault which means there is nothing i can do about it.

and there i am acting like i'm alone in this, like i don't have a savior who loves me, whom i have not been talking to lately as i promised.

i've got this list in my heart characteristics i feel i should have.  its not one that i've published on this blog or any other.  i've made lists of goals and dreams before but this list is almost more shallow.  this is the if i were to be able to rewrite my personality and pick any set of looks that i wanted sort of list.  it doesn't feel like i'm compromising who i am to try to achieve this list but i'm definitely compromising who God is.  when we reach for standards set by the world or based upon our own understanding and not by that of God's then we completely undermine everything he's said or done for us.  how can i stand and claim Jesus as Lord and then turn around and follow the world like an injured puppy.  in truth its not that i want grace.  i don't want forgivness for who or what i am.  i want to be changed, i wante to be fixed. 

Better than xanax

my anxiety has been coming down on me pretty hard the last few weeks

it has gotten to the point where i've been having anxiety attacks almost daily

so this week started out about the same

but...

sunday during youth group we were challenging the girls with doing things this week that could help them develop a closer relationship with God

one of the things was setting time aside for prayer.

this one girl had already gotten this challenge card from a youth convention they went to, where it challenged her for one year or something like that to pray on her knees three times a day, and read the book of daniel

since she's already been challenged in this way, and she hadn't started it yet, i decided i would do it with her

so she won't feel alone you know?

we started monday, she picked three times. and i have alarms set on my phone for each of those times

monday was okay, it was my day off. and then monday evening i started having an anxiety attack and was really really depressed on tuesday morning

i came to work, and was trying to work through it, when my alarm went off to pray

i got on my knees and prayed, just as i had been on monday, about anything that popped into my mind. successions of people i knew and what i knew they were going through, and whatever i didn't know about that they were going through. i prayed that this student would be inspired and know what to say, and i prayed that God would dispell all of my anxiety.

its strange because i've prayed for help with it before. but my prayers have always been in my head or something. i don't know, i guess i was talking at God and not to him. something about the whole knees thing makes it like a real conversation, cause it is.

it completely turned my day around yesterday, the praying

and then i continued it today of course

and today has been great

and its only my third day praying, but i realize i need this

we try to make God this practical thing that fits into our lives, but God is so big, he doesn't fit into our lives. we fit into his

we try to "have time" for God, but time is his to start with

Martin Luther said ""If I fail to spend two hours in prayer each morning, the devil gets the victory through the day. I have so much business I cannot get on without spending three hours daily in prayer."

sweatpants

i'm at this point in my life where i only want to wear sweatpants all the time forever

i don't see this as a good thing.

first of all, i have htis job now, where while there isn't an official dress code, i have to look some level of "professional"

secondly, i have difficulty with my self esteem to start with, the last thing i need is to stop caring about my appearance

and finally, closely related to the second point, this is quite reminiscent of how i used to act when i was a kid and crazy depressed.  thats a part of my life i want to stay gone forever, and the idea of it creeping back on me is unsettling.

"so sara, whats the big deal, just put on some not sweatpants and get on with your life"

its not. that. simple.

the desire to only wear sweatpants will not just go away with a cute outfit.  this is a symptom of something else.  something deeper.

i feel trapped anymore.

its pretty rough right now. ihave this constant voice in my head telling me everything i'm doing wrong and everything i need to do and won't get done and there is no ending in sight.  and i have another voice telling me that i'm being irrational.  that i'm very blessed to be in the position i am in.  that everyone has to work hard and go through these periods of doing seomthing else so that in the long run they can do what they really love. 

but i think both of these voices are wrong.  at least in their attitudes if not their words.

i'm frustrated with all of this.  some moments it feels like there is utterly no prospect of getting any better, and other moments i see clearly that there is a simple solution, and i have to just be patient.

but i'm reaching the end of my rope with patience here. there are a handful of situations i've been in in my life that i have known clearly that it was not only where i was supposed to be but i knew exactly what i was doing.  i fit.  and i'm scratching my head as to why i'm just not putting mysel fin those situations constantly and what i'm doing here.

i make these lists...

when i get really anxious and i start to panic and don't know what to do, i make these lists involving whatever it is im freaking out about so that i feel in control.  thats the only purpose they really serve.  i never follow the lists.  i forget aobut them or something.  but justmaking them gives me this illusion of being in control or at the very least like i'm not spinning out of control. 
the lists might just be of all the things i need to do that are swirling about in my brain, or it might be a list of things i want to ask somebody or a lists of things i need to get at the store.  they are always lists of things that i'm not so much afraid i'll forget, but that i am so irreversably aware of their existence, i have to pluck them from the air above my head and minimize them to a bit of paper.

i could rant for longer but i'm very tired, and sleep will allow me to not think about anything for a few hours.