i'm a generally happy person most of the time. well not necessarily happy per se, but up beat. i certainly am an optimist and proud of it, although i have admitted that the time i find it most difficult to be optimistic is when in regards to myself.
so here's the rub. even though i'm upbeat most of the time, i do in fact get sad, or distressed, and when i do its not about one thing, its about EVERYTHING. its like if i let myself feel down for a second a domino effect follows and everything that i could feel down about gets piled on. so, for example if i were to hypothetically be upset because i was in an argument with a friend, i would not only be upset about that, but about every insecurity i have or have had about myself, and every issue i would hypothetically be going through at that time. it's really an efficient emotional habit, its like i get all my grievances out at once.
tonight i can't sleep.
and i couldn't sleep last night either.
and i think its because i'm stressed. (i think this because the thoughts that have been plaguing my ever-so-awake brain have been stressful)
you can see my issue here can't you? i got stressed about one thing, and now i'm stressed about everything.
i'm stressed about money, i'm up to my ears in student loans and piling more on as i have one year left to finish school. yes i will hypothetically get a job and pay them back but what if i can't get a very good job and i can only pay so little a month so that it takes me a decade or two to finish paying them off? what am i saying "what if"? i KNOW that the job i will get won't be a very high paying one because i'm going into non-profit (that doesn't pay well)
so i caught myself doing math in my head whilst lying in bed awake and speculating that if i wanted to get my student loans paid in less than five years i would need to work like 72 hours a week. i don't know if i can handle that. i've worked sixty hour weeks before and i almost cried. (kudos to all a ya'll who do work over 40 hours a week. no seriously i don't know how you do it.)
so thinking about money gets me thinking about getting a job gets me thinking about moving out and WHAT ABOUT MY DOG?! i think in terror. i'll have to leave her here with my parents. i'll NEVER SEE HER! what if she gets sick and dies while i'm not here! what if i have to come home quickly just to say goodbye to her soft muzzily face that has loved me ever so unconditionally when i didn't even love myself?
so now on top of money i'm worried about my dog dying, for SOME reason. (she's healthy and not likely to pass soon)
thinking of my dog leaving this world gets me worried about leaving my friends. what if the only job i can find is across the country or the world, which is honestly likely in the profession i'll be entering. i can't stand it, i'm going to leave all of my friends and we'll drift apart and they'll replace me with some other person and i'll have to make new friends which of course i am TERRIBLE at and i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life!!!!
do you see my predicament? somehow i've gone from "oh no, its my last year of college" jitters to "i'm going to drown in debt" fear to "my dog is going to die while i'm gone" to "i'm going to die alone" how exactly did i get from "its my senior year of college" to "i'm going to die alone?"
so now i'm up, and blogging about it to you, the faceless reader. (not that you don't have a face, i just don't have any idea who will be reading this) i drank some vegetable juice (don't ask me why, i have never heard of that helping sleep)
here's the real thing though. i know its all going to be okay. i know that whatever comes my way i will be able to handle because whether i feel like it or not i do have family and friends who love me and will support me through my life. Jesus said "how does worry add a day to your life?" i know that God will provide everything i need and that will include taking care of my student loans.
i know i'm going to be fine, i know that God is in control and i just have to remember that He is who He is, and I am who I am. i know all this, but it still helps to write it all out and post it on a social networking site. its like screaming into an empty sky, you don't know who will hear it but it still feels good to say it.
so that's it. i'm going to get another glass of water, go lay down, and NOT think about the looming question marks of my future, and not somehow get from "i'm a senior" to "i'm going to die alone far from home and without my dog" after all this is real life, not a country song.
Friday, August 12, 2011
i've noticed that whenever i go to bible study, and actually get into the discussion i feel like i've just gotten out of the shower, i feel clean like a glass of water.
i've also noticed that a lot of the time i don't feel this way.
when i look at myself and the world through a worldly lens, as the world would have me see things, it affects me for weeks. i won't be happy with myself because i can't stop obsessing with all the things that are wrong with me, especially physically. i feel less like a glass of water, more like a glass of coke. brown and full of high fructose corn syrup and preservatives and over compensating by an excess amount of bubbles.
it also affects my relationships with other people. i begin to expect things from them that i shouldn't. things to expect that are unfair to them and to myself.
but when i start looking at the world and at myself the way God would see me, i see my flaws for what they are, but not as the entirety of who i am. i see others as images of God, and treat them that way. i see a direct correlation between the times that i am connecting with God and literally having the desire to write poetry. i'm clean, i'm inspired, and the giant question marks of the future do not seem nearly as scary or intimidating as they might otherwise seem.
i've been frustrated with myself this summer, because i haven't been serving enough. and i can see it in my life. i've been so selfish lately, and i just can't be anymore. living for me leaves me feeling awful about myself, and sticky like spilled coca-cola in the sun. (and some of you may know that i HATE being sticky) living for God, and living for others, i'm the opposite of sticky.
you could possibly care less about these words, and they may not affect your daily lives whatsoever, but this was something that i felt i needed to say.