Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Sexy Sexy PBJ

So I've been doing this diet thing, and while it hasn't been a secret I have endeavored not to advertise it.  I am part of a private facebook group where we talk about our struggles with the diet and such, but I make no public posts about it, or my progress, nor do I tell people about it unless they ask.

As with any challenge, I'm learning more about myself in the process.  Part of me hates that.  I hate that a diet can be deep.  Part of what has inhibited me from really taking control of my health in the past has been this notion that diets and exercise were part of a luxury driven culture.  That our culture rotates around self-love and decadence disgusts me, and honestly taking the time to plan out my meals and exercise everyday feels like a waste of time.

However I can not refute the reality that our culture is the way it is and the need (because it is a need) to take conscious care of our bodies exists because we no longer live in a subsistence culture.  I did not grow up on a farm and spend every waking our dedicated to the upkeep of that farm.  My meals do not consist of the food I grow and rear myself.  My muscles and nutrition are no longer the product of my daily labor.

Instead the daily labor of the average person is something that contributes to a much broader picture of our community.  Writers write what others read.  Cooks cook what others eat.  Receptionists receive communications meant for other persons.  Some of these jobs require sitting for hours at a time as opposed to our ancestors who spent dawn till dusk on their feet.


I started this diet because I decided that 260 pounds was too heavy for a girl of 5'6".  Also diabetes and heart disease runs in my family.  Also, to be frank, the last time I had a boyfriend I was under 200 pounds.  I was overweight but about seventy pounds lighter.  I'm not going to say that my singleness is a direct result of my weight gain but I'm sure it didn't help.  And while I'm all about big girls being beautiful too it is a valid thing for people to find certain physical characteristics to be attractive.

The entire point of this blog is not to rant about how our society is shallow and materialistic, or to break down my feelings on my own weight.

It is to state that I miss peanut butter sandwiches.  I miss how easy it was to just make a sandwich when I wanted something to eat.  I miss that.  I miss the simplicity of food.  That it wasn't something I had to think about.
In this diet I have to plan every meal and prepare for it.  I miss being able to just run out the door with a sandwich in my hand.  Gosh...I miss the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I am happy that I'm doing the diet, because it is working.  But sometimes I would like to be able to say "Hey friend, let's go to the park and eat sandwiches and then talk about how great it is to be at the park and eating sandwiches."  This has never been something I've said, but in my sandwich deprived state I have romanticized the experience somewhat.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Employee for Hire:

I really just need to know if i'm making progress.  That would be great.

I am stuck it feels like.  And I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  I apply to jobs like crazy.  I work on my resume' regularly.  I've even had a couple of interviews but nothing has come to fruition.

In the beginning I thought that God had a purpose for me in all of this.  Every time I started to doubt that then something would happen that would override that doubt.  I've been there for my coworkers.  Helped them out when I could.  Prayed for them.  Tried to be an example.  Meanwhile being tested and tested and tested again in my worldviews and my optimism.  And every time I screw up I'm all too aware of it.  All too conscious of the fact that when I get angry I lose my witness.  When I'm dishonest I lose my witness.  When I'm lazy I lose my witness.

I read a verse the other day that struck my heart.  Jesus asks a man to follow him, and then the man asks if he can say goodbye to his family first.  Jesus says "No man who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of heaven."

I've felt a lot of fear and anxiety in the past over the prospect of missions full time.  But I still have moved forward with the notion that that is where I would be lead eventually.  Has God altered his purpose for me because I was hesitant?  Am I no longer fit for following him the way he intended because I had reservations?  Because I "looked back?"

But if I find it difficult to maintain my values in an American fast food restaurant how would I even hold up abroad?

There is a kind of monotony that is now existing in my life I haven't felt in years.  Moreso than the ennui of my dead summers in high school.  No, this is like when I was in grade school and struggling with depression.  Every day having to go to a place where I'm wilting.  Where I try so hard to be good and it doesn't seem to matter because my days don't get any better.   It all finally ended with a move across the country.  But it was four years in the running.  Dear God, don't let this be another four years!  Please!

Of course things are better now than they were.  I have friends now.  I'm an adult and more in control of my life than i was when i was a child.  My brain says that's the problem.  That I'm still fighting God for control but honestly I don't know if that's true.  I can't tell anymore.  I don't know what I'm holding on to.  Maybe my dreams?  I thought they were his plan!  I seriously don't know.  But I just keep on applying elsewhere because I figure if God wants me to get another job I need to be open to it and if he doesn't then I'll stay where I am.

So I guess for now it looks like i'm staying where I am.  And once again I'm trying to be happy with it.  Trying desperately to be okay with what is going on in my life because I have to trust that God is in control and he knows what he's doing.

It's kind of like a white out.  I've spent my life going down this straight and narrow path that I have been sure of.  Suddenly the wind blows and everything goes white and I can't tell if I'm still on the path or not because everything looks the same.  It just blends in with itself.

I can't even tell if I'm moving forward and just slowly, or if I'm standing completely still.  None of the scenery is changing.  It's just getting colder.

Dear God I need strength and clarity.  Please.