I really just need to know if i'm making progress. That would be great.
I am stuck it feels like. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I apply to jobs like crazy. I work on my resume' regularly. I've even had a couple of interviews but nothing has come to fruition.
In the beginning I thought that God had a purpose for me in all of this. Every time I started to doubt that then something would happen that would override that doubt. I've been there for my coworkers. Helped them out when I could. Prayed for them. Tried to be an example. Meanwhile being tested and tested and tested again in my worldviews and my optimism. And every time I screw up I'm all too aware of it. All too conscious of the fact that when I get angry I lose my witness. When I'm dishonest I lose my witness. When I'm lazy I lose my witness.
I read a verse the other day that struck my heart. Jesus asks a man to follow him, and then the man asks if he can say goodbye to his family first. Jesus says "No man who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of heaven."
I've felt a lot of fear and anxiety in the past over the prospect of missions full time. But I still have moved forward with the notion that that is where I would be lead eventually. Has God altered his purpose for me because I was hesitant? Am I no longer fit for following him the way he intended because I had reservations? Because I "looked back?"
But if I find it difficult to maintain my values in an American fast food restaurant how would I even hold up abroad?
There is a kind of monotony that is now existing in my life I haven't felt in years. Moreso than the ennui of my dead summers in high school. No, this is like when I was in grade school and struggling with depression. Every day having to go to a place where I'm wilting. Where I try so hard to be good and it doesn't seem to matter because my days don't get any better. It all finally ended with a move across the country. But it was four years in the running. Dear God, don't let this be another four years! Please!
Of course things are better now than they were. I have friends now. I'm an adult and more in control of my life than i was when i was a child. My brain says that's the problem. That I'm still fighting God for control but honestly I don't know if that's true. I can't tell anymore. I don't know what I'm holding on to. Maybe my dreams? I thought they were his plan! I seriously don't know. But I just keep on applying elsewhere because I figure if God wants me to get another job I need to be open to it and if he doesn't then I'll stay where I am.
So I guess for now it looks like i'm staying where I am. And once again I'm trying to be happy with it. Trying desperately to be okay with what is going on in my life because I have to trust that God is in control and he knows what he's doing.
It's kind of like a white out. I've spent my life going down this straight and narrow path that I have been sure of. Suddenly the wind blows and everything goes white and I can't tell if I'm still on the path or not because everything looks the same. It just blends in with itself.
I can't even tell if I'm moving forward and just slowly, or if I'm standing completely still. None of the scenery is changing. It's just getting colder.
Dear God I need strength and clarity. Please.