Thursday, December 20, 2012

we've all got a platypus controlling us

i think one of the reasons  we're so obsessed with being ourselves or finding ourselves is that we try to quantify it by qualifying it, or qualify it by quantifying it.  like saying "I am the sum of everything i've been"  or "this thing, this thing, and this thing, make up who i am."

a thought occured to me earlier today.  i don't remember what it was i was thinking about doing, but i thought "i'm going to try to do that" to which i thought "is that fake?"

and then realized that just because something requires effort doesn't mean it isn't also part of who we are.  this is the whole problem with the concept of "posers" and why the cliche'd hipster pretentiousness is made fun of so much.  its ridiculous to say that a person who likes metal music isn't really metal and is only pretending to be metal if they don't participate in every qualifier deemed "Necessary" to be metal.  (this is just an example)  but our "self" isn't just what we do, its what we want.  its as much the times we feel like we're not ourselves as the times when we are because those times when we don't feel like ourselves are times when WE are uncomfortable.

it should be enough for us, but it isn't.

so this thought i had earlier today, realizing that the existence of effort didn't negate the "realness" of a person or their actions was somewhat contradictory to a thought i just had now where i decided that i was most myself when i was a young child because i existed without trying to define myself as a distinct existence.  but thats not true is it?  it j ust means that who i was wasn't bothered by the question "who am i?"  and the effort of finding out who we are doesn't make us less who we are than if we thought of it not at all.

but i can see our existence as being one of two things, realizing that there are more than likely many possibilites that i just have yet to consider and that is we are who we are who we are, or, we are what we define ourselves as, because i truly believe everything in the universe contains the value in which it is given and if we qualify ourselvels and say "i am a waitress" or "i am a sousaphonician (makin up words like a boss)" then that is what we are and it really doesn't need to be more complicated then that.

but once again i contradict myself and my own thoughts realizing that i believe people or things to be different then the values they're given all the time.  for instance a friend the other day said that we were only things we chose to be.  for instance, a single mother is only a single mother if she chooses to be a single mother.  but a single mother isn't not a single mother just cause she decides.  if she is single, and a mother, then she is a single mother whether she likes it or not.

but this brings forth all kinds of arguments regarding humanity and our freedom, especially within thinks like gender.  a person can have the qualities of a male but not consider themselves male and therefore not be male, but i think our definitions are just as much cultural as they are personal.  thats why we're always trying to figure out which aspects of our lives are inherent and which are social constructs so that we can reject whatever we've decided is in fact a social construct because for some reason being constructed by society makes a concept illegitimate or optional.  in reality we always have options and choices, but in reality that won't mean we can live that way.

but to the question "is it inherent or socially constructed?"  i say "yes"  because society in itself is inherent. like the systems of a body, each system working within and separate from the other systems.  in the land of nature vs. nurture i'm very nurture heavy.

and thats the thing, i think at its core, our obsession with finding ourselves is an attempt to be nature without nurture, but thats asking green to become blue when yellow is a permanent fixture in its being.  we're all green.

"but what shade of green?  can we be another secondary color like purple?!"

no.  i'm stopping the metaphor there!  so don't do it. just don't.

this blog went way farther than i thought it would when i started.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

and that can be the worst feeling...

i'm finding myself getting to that place again where i completely resent the basic bodily functions that make up our lives.

i completely resent that we need to sleep every day, eat a few times a day, and even bathe on a regular basis.  i feel like all these things take up time and muck up what i struggle to make efficient time management.

so basically, i suck at managing my time, and i wish that i could cut into the things that i have to do to keep going so that i could finish the things i haven't finished that are holding me back.

i totally love sleeping, eating, and bathing.  but they take up so much TIME.

my time table is about eight hours off of everyone else's.

i came to the realization the other day that my frustrations with myself are in a lot of ways frustrations with God, in the sense that i simultaneously expect him to make my life awesome overnight, and then i get down on myself when it doesn't.

there are so many things i should be doing.  so many of them i'm not doing because of anxiety and attention deficit.  but mostly the anxiety.  i mean, how can i get a better job when i can't even put the christmas tree up?

stupid tree.

i feel like intellectually i need a creative outlet, but emotionally i'm too drained to bother.  i didn't even make a costume for the hobbit opening!  that may not seem like much to you, but even if my costume completely sucks i wear one to these things.  its just what i do.  now...i'm just tired.

i've started reading again, so thats a thing i guess.  i'm rereading old books i've read before cause i don't feel like starting anything new but at least i'm reading.  ugh.

i thoroughly believe that our happiness is a choice.  its our choice how we respond to the events in our lives.  i also thoroughly feel like no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i choose to be happy, its not working.

however, i see that my life has been making improvements, even though they're not at the pace that i would like.  i'm aware that i need to trust in God's timing over my own, but even if i were going slower than now i wish i could at least feel like i'm moving forward. right now it feels like i'm treading water. staying afloat but not going anywhere, and its only a matter of time before my legs get tired.

i dunno.  its two in the morning.  i'm tired.  i had a long day of selling fried fish and fixing violent car malfunctions in thirty degree weather. (or at least holding the flashlight for the persons fixing my violent car malfunctions.  thanks, dad!"  i just need to throw my laundry in the dryer, drink some water because i feel super dehydrated, and go to bed.

i think in the long run though i need more time with my friends.  spending time with them always makes life seem manageable.  spending too much time alone makes me feel inadequate.