Wednesday, December 19, 2012

and that can be the worst feeling...

i'm finding myself getting to that place again where i completely resent the basic bodily functions that make up our lives.

i completely resent that we need to sleep every day, eat a few times a day, and even bathe on a regular basis.  i feel like all these things take up time and muck up what i struggle to make efficient time management.

so basically, i suck at managing my time, and i wish that i could cut into the things that i have to do to keep going so that i could finish the things i haven't finished that are holding me back.

i totally love sleeping, eating, and bathing.  but they take up so much TIME.

my time table is about eight hours off of everyone else's.

i came to the realization the other day that my frustrations with myself are in a lot of ways frustrations with God, in the sense that i simultaneously expect him to make my life awesome overnight, and then i get down on myself when it doesn't.

there are so many things i should be doing.  so many of them i'm not doing because of anxiety and attention deficit.  but mostly the anxiety.  i mean, how can i get a better job when i can't even put the christmas tree up?

stupid tree.

i feel like intellectually i need a creative outlet, but emotionally i'm too drained to bother.  i didn't even make a costume for the hobbit opening!  that may not seem like much to you, but even if my costume completely sucks i wear one to these things.  its just what i do.  now...i'm just tired.

i've started reading again, so thats a thing i guess.  i'm rereading old books i've read before cause i don't feel like starting anything new but at least i'm reading.  ugh.

i thoroughly believe that our happiness is a choice.  its our choice how we respond to the events in our lives.  i also thoroughly feel like no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i choose to be happy, its not working.

however, i see that my life has been making improvements, even though they're not at the pace that i would like.  i'm aware that i need to trust in God's timing over my own, but even if i were going slower than now i wish i could at least feel like i'm moving forward. right now it feels like i'm treading water. staying afloat but not going anywhere, and its only a matter of time before my legs get tired.

i dunno.  its two in the morning.  i'm tired.  i had a long day of selling fried fish and fixing violent car malfunctions in thirty degree weather. (or at least holding the flashlight for the persons fixing my violent car malfunctions.  thanks, dad!"  i just need to throw my laundry in the dryer, drink some water because i feel super dehydrated, and go to bed.

i think in the long run though i need more time with my friends.  spending time with them always makes life seem manageable.  spending too much time alone makes me feel inadequate.

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