so...

Dear God,

i'm tired.  i'm tired of trying to rationalize it all.  I'm tired of trying to not want things.  I want to trust that you're leading me towards somewhere, anywhere, but I feel as if I don't hear your voice.  I feel like i've been stuck in this life going nowhere.  and i feel stupid for feeling this way.  i know i should always trust you, that you will provide for my needs, that you will know whats best for me.  but i'm tired of living in this house.  i'm tired of feeling useless.  i'm tired of getting into fights with my mom over nothing.  just because we're both too stubborn.  i'm tired of not being able to care for myself, or my family.  i'm tired of not being disciplined enough to accomplish things.  i'm tired of waiting for you to show me the way, or show me i'm wrong, or show me anything.  and every time i start to feel this way i get so mad at myself befcause i know that you are good, that you are in control, that you love me, that you will provide, so why can't i just be happy with my life the way it is?  why can't i mature passed the point of of all this.  whny can't i learn to not rely on my own understanding but to trust in you.  my family has been stuck in this hosue for so long father.  we are far from all of our friends and ministries and jobs.  we can't make ends meet where we are, and we're stuck in this cycle of inadequacy.  i'm tired of constantly being judged by other people for these reasons.  and i'm so mad at myself for being upset about all fo these things because you should be enough for me father.  and i know i my brain that you are more than enough but i feel so pained in my heart over all of these earthly things.  what am i doing wrong?  if you want me to make a chang ein my life i'll change it father so please tell me what it is you want me to do or not do or say or not say.  i don't care if its as small as calling someone or if its as big as moving across the world, i dont' know i just want to feel in this moment like i'm where i'm supposed to be.  why doesn't knowing your truth change how i feel father?  why was i so happy earlier today and why has it changed so drastically now?  and why am i so impatient?

i'm tired of all of the "if only" statements.  i'm tired of thinking "if only we could move out of this house." "if only i could get control of my weight."  "if only i could get some medication for my ADD" 

sometimes its just hard to believe that things will get better when they've stayed the same for so long.  yet i know you've been making changes in my life. 


i'll feel silly about this in the morning.

goodnight father.

to brush my teeth...

so.

as far as anxiety and depression have it, mine has lessened quite a bit.

i'm pretty sure we can attribute this to the fact that i'm no longer in a job i'm dramatically underqualified for, and being taken advantage of by those who hired me.

i'm in a better place.

that still doesn't mean i'm particularly happy with life right now.  but its a less panicky kind of unhappiness.  the kind thats a little too comfortable, like that pair of shoes that you keep wearing, despite the fact that you have tons of other really cute shoes you could be wearing, and would prefer to be wearing.  this pair is just really convenient to slip on when you're running out of the house, and they match what you've got on...most of the time.

i've been combatting this by actually trying to do productive things.  most days i'm not productive, but i try.  for instance, right before gencon i finally set up a much needed dentist appointment.  its september seventh if you wanted to know...i'm excited about it.

basically, now is the perfect time for me to actually start doing all of the things i've been trying to start for a while now.  i can start exercising, and i cna find a job that fits me.  i can restart my old hobbies.  the problem is that i am out of practice of all of these things, and if there is one thing i am bad at, it is starting new habits.

i'm bad at habit forming

especially when my life is currently void of routine enforcing acticities (you know like school or work, the things you wake up in the morning to do)

i need a reason to wake up in the morning...