Sunday, October 28, 2012

not nothing i hope.

so...i think i might join the peace corps

this is a frustrating thought to me because believe it or not i'm a person who overanalyzes everything. (shocker i know)  i could explain alot of my anxiety by going back to just before i graduated college last may and explaining how i got into the situation i'm in now or rather how i failed to rise out of the situation i'm currently in but that would be quite the long blog and for those of you who actually read my ramblings and musings and whatnot would probably not be the most interesting or thought provoking of reads.

so basically my situation is that i am now the proud owner of a liberal arts degree but am working part time in fast food. 

i keep repeating in my head that its a blessing to have any kind of job at all.

i am now as we speak becoming the proud owner of a car.  my first that will be/is in my name officially. 

these both mean something very serious, and that is that i have to start paying off student loans (this coming month actually!)  and paying off this car that i've bought.

in the mean time i'm left to ponder on if i'll ever be able to get a job that is actually within the skill set i'm paying so highly for that is doing some actual good in the world.

not that i don't think serving fried foods to seniors is necessarily a bad thing...but...its not what i'm called to do!

the peace corps makes a lot of sense for who i am and where i am in life.  but i don't trust things that make sense. 

so i guess i'm going to make a pros and cons list now....

  • i would be doing some good for humanity,
  • i would get to travel,
  • i would get some great experience in the social justice sector,
  • i would meet new people and go to new places and possibly make new contacts for the future (yay networking!),
  • when its over with they would set me up with a modest "life starter" fund, deferment of student loans...

  • two years away from my loved ones!,
  • i could get stationed (and would likely be stationed) in a country that isn't china (not that other countries are bad or don't need helping but i'm really passionate about china),
  • and if the previous happens all my chinese i've worked hard to learn and i'm quickly forgetting would go to waste,
  • i might get a job i don't like,
  • i would be putting all of this money into a car that i would wind up not using

well it looks like pros and cons are equal, but if you'll notice all of the cons are basically my fears.  i'm afraid of being away from the people i care about, i'm afraid of being forced to deviate from my passions, i'm afraid that all my hard work will come to nothing, i'm afraid of being stuck in an awkward or uncomfortable situation.

so basically over all, i am afriad of doing the wrong thing!  and this makes me very mad at myself because this is sooo typically me.  this is why i stressed so much over changing majors in college, why i've neglected choosing so many opportunities because it might close the door to other opportunities that i don't have but would like to have. 

and as a tv show recently so poigniantly pointed out to me (a poigniant point he he) the only wrong thing is to do nothing, is to stay where i am...

that is of course unless God is telling me to wait.

and believe me its not that i've not been praying about it, but i think my affective filter is causing me to have some communication issues with the great I AM.  in other words, i am so very anxious about hearing the wrong message that i'm not hearing any messages at all.

meanwhile as i do nothing with my life i'm getting barely any hours at work and obsessing over how i need to lose weight and spending all my free time watching various television series on dvd/netflix.

oh God help me. 

i had a theory for a while that i think for the time was accurate that God was wanting me to take a break because in between my last job and this job i was getting sleep for the first time in literally years and it felt wonderful. 

i do not fear that God does not have a plan for me, or will guide me, or will provide for me financially and spiritually.  but i have fear in myself that i am such a screwed up person that i can not do what is the most necessary of tasks and that is make my life function.  while it inherently isn't a simple task i feel constantly as if everybody can do it but me.  and i catch myself asking God why he didn't make me more focused or less anxious or prettier or funnier or smarter or more talented.  but when you ask God all those things at some point it just comes to "why didn't you make me better than everyone in every way"  and then it kind of is just like asking "why didn't you make me like you"  which comes back to he did make us like him in that he made us in his image and its our choices that have brought us to where we are now, wallowing in a sea of imperfection that continually makes life difficult.

but i am who God made me and i am where he put me so what am i going to do about it?

Sunday, October 14, 2012


we're trying to figure out life.  we use images and words and sounds and colors and no color and everyone has their favorite method of doing it.  we get morally outraged and hypocritical.  we take pictures of ourselves in every position with every object in every style of clothing we can think of.  then we take off the clothing piece by piece until we're naked in every position imaginable. 

we're searching

then we put little captions on all the photos hoping that the less we say the more it means because if we believed we had to say more we know we'd never stop talking. 
all these things we do, the farming the industry the academia, we do in search of truth.  and then some of us figure this out.  we figure out that all we're doing is searching for truth.  then we feel as if somehow our searches for proof are more legitimate because we're aware of it then those who are not thinking of it in this way. and maybe that's true.  but the pride that comes with that belief if find distasteful in a way that makes me want to tear it down.  

we're searching and prideful

there are those of us who believe with heart and soul that truth is encapsulated in a compilation of texts that has been handed down for thousands of years. memorized and reworded and prayed and cried.  there are those who hold to this.  then there are those who think it could be anything but that so they search other texts and other words of other folks that they consider more meaningful and when asked why theirs is more legitimate reply "why is yours?" and so begin a cyclical fight that will never end.

there are those who think the truth is to fight.
and those who think the exact opposite.

there are those who get so frustrated that they say truth is only meaning that we choose for ourselves, and those who get so frustrated that they say none of it has meaning no matter what they think.  there are those that are fulfilled by incomplete answers and others with questions.

we're frustrated and searching and prideful

then we lose respect for each other when we find out if they're one of those whose truth ideologies are that which we find distasteful.

we're frustrated and searching and disrespectful and prideful and naked.

then someone says its all about how you feel and no one can decide how feeling is, if its all chemical or if there is a soul behind it and so they drink and smoke and huff and hope that if by playing with one they'll find answers to the other.

its become "its all good" or "nothing is good" and politically incorrect to be anywhere in between.
we're frustrated and searching and prideful and naked and insane.

so how could i possibly explain that i've figured it out?  that now to me your work is worthless and your hearts are priceless.  how could i explain that as it turns out those sacred texts discredited by so many are more accurate than your fashion pictures and music tracks and arguing?

all i can do is live this out in hopes that others will see that the truth is real and it lives in me.   that the truth is not what is seen or what is known but what is done when you don't know anything.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

the show must go on.

today is just a weird day

its super cold out, which is typical for northwest Indiana considering it is October and also was in the seventies two days ago.

this morning i heard a car honk on the road, which is odd for the middle of nowhere, and looked over my shoulder, pulling a muscle in my neck.
since then while in town i have watched fashion videos for entertainment, a subject i have never cared for, drank two cups of coffee with creamer, a beverage i rarely drink, and burned two dishrags in my attempt at making a hot pack for my neck.  i was hungry so i reheated the food i brought, masala chicken and macaroni, and discovered three bites in that i didn't want it anymore, so put it back in the fridge.

so today i'm apparently a coffee drinking fashionista with an injured neck and bad luck with microwaves. (not that watching youtube videos qualifies me as a fashionista.  but you feel like one after a couple.)

still it's better being in town doing nothing then at home doing nothing, where the nothing i would be doing would involve extra guilt.  at least in town i feel like i'm doing something even if i'm not, and i'm also not in my pajamas anymore.

in the meantime i keep thinking about how its been five months since i graduated and i'm currently living at home working in fast food.

not that i expected to be a super successful woman or that life wouldn't be hard at this point.  but i at least expected some new problems in my life.  i expected for God to reveal some kind of unexpected job opportunity as soon as i graduated.  actually that's sort of what happened, but it only lasted two months.  i had a lot of great experiences this summer but i kind of wish i could do it over.  if i learned anything at all its that i should probably be on 2 or 3 different medications.  i'm trying to figure out if my life isn't moving forward because i'm doing something wrong, or because i'm not doing something i should, or if i just need to wait.  i know my future or God's plans for me no better or worse than i did five months ago, but five months ago i at least seemed to be moving forward, towards something, no matter what it could have been.

there's also this underlying pressure.  i feel like a lot of people in my life expect a lot from me.  and i have not disappointed anyone quite yet but there's an audience holding their breath waiting for me to do something.  except the director has given me no lines to recite so i just keep making stuff up.

I've been considering joining the peace corps.  i can't tell if its something God wants me to do, or if i'm just considering it because i don't see any other options.  do i not really want to do it or am i just scared? i'm more scared of doing the wrong thing than anything else.  afraid of the awkward situations that will come up because of it.  afraid of the stress it will cause, and me without the chemical tablets to handle it.

then again there is one thing that my high school drama teacher always used to say when we were improvising in the background or something like that.  she said "i'd rather you do something wrong than do nothing at all."  she was always talking to those students who were so unsure of themselves on the stage that they'd just kind of stand there, looking scared.  i never thought i'd be one of those kids.  as shy and awkward and weird as i am in almost every social and professional situation, when on the stage i always knew where i was and what to do.  but the thing about it is that you are never to do nothing.  you are always to do something.  even if someone else is talking and you're just in the background you are to keep busy and keep acting because just one person standing awkwardly can make a bad scene.

either way, i need to do something to feel like the plot is moving forward.