Sunday, October 28, 2012

not nothing i hope.

so...i think i might join the peace corps

this is a frustrating thought to me because believe it or not i'm a person who overanalyzes everything. (shocker i know)  i could explain alot of my anxiety by going back to just before i graduated college last may and explaining how i got into the situation i'm in now or rather how i failed to rise out of the situation i'm currently in but that would be quite the long blog and for those of you who actually read my ramblings and musings and whatnot would probably not be the most interesting or thought provoking of reads.

so basically my situation is that i am now the proud owner of a liberal arts degree but am working part time in fast food. 

i keep repeating in my head that its a blessing to have any kind of job at all.

i am now as we speak becoming the proud owner of a car.  my first that will be/is in my name officially. 

these both mean something very serious, and that is that i have to start paying off student loans (this coming month actually!)  and paying off this car that i've bought.

in the mean time i'm left to ponder on if i'll ever be able to get a job that is actually within the skill set i'm paying so highly for that is doing some actual good in the world.

not that i don't think serving fried foods to seniors is necessarily a bad thing...but...its not what i'm called to do!

the peace corps makes a lot of sense for who i am and where i am in life.  but i don't trust things that make sense. 

so i guess i'm going to make a pros and cons list now....

  • i would be doing some good for humanity,
  • i would get to travel,
  • i would get some great experience in the social justice sector,
  • i would meet new people and go to new places and possibly make new contacts for the future (yay networking!),
  • when its over with they would set me up with a modest "life starter" fund, deferment of student loans...

  • two years away from my loved ones!,
  • i could get stationed (and would likely be stationed) in a country that isn't china (not that other countries are bad or don't need helping but i'm really passionate about china),
  • and if the previous happens all my chinese i've worked hard to learn and i'm quickly forgetting would go to waste,
  • i might get a job i don't like,
  • i would be putting all of this money into a car that i would wind up not using

well it looks like pros and cons are equal, but if you'll notice all of the cons are basically my fears.  i'm afraid of being away from the people i care about, i'm afraid of being forced to deviate from my passions, i'm afraid that all my hard work will come to nothing, i'm afraid of being stuck in an awkward or uncomfortable situation.

so basically over all, i am afriad of doing the wrong thing!  and this makes me very mad at myself because this is sooo typically me.  this is why i stressed so much over changing majors in college, why i've neglected choosing so many opportunities because it might close the door to other opportunities that i don't have but would like to have. 

and as a tv show recently so poigniantly pointed out to me (a poigniant point he he) the only wrong thing is to do nothing, is to stay where i am...

that is of course unless God is telling me to wait.

and believe me its not that i've not been praying about it, but i think my affective filter is causing me to have some communication issues with the great I AM.  in other words, i am so very anxious about hearing the wrong message that i'm not hearing any messages at all.

meanwhile as i do nothing with my life i'm getting barely any hours at work and obsessing over how i need to lose weight and spending all my free time watching various television series on dvd/netflix.

oh God help me. 

i had a theory for a while that i think for the time was accurate that God was wanting me to take a break because in between my last job and this job i was getting sleep for the first time in literally years and it felt wonderful. 

i do not fear that God does not have a plan for me, or will guide me, or will provide for me financially and spiritually.  but i have fear in myself that i am such a screwed up person that i can not do what is the most necessary of tasks and that is make my life function.  while it inherently isn't a simple task i feel constantly as if everybody can do it but me.  and i catch myself asking God why he didn't make me more focused or less anxious or prettier or funnier or smarter or more talented.  but when you ask God all those things at some point it just comes to "why didn't you make me better than everyone in every way"  and then it kind of is just like asking "why didn't you make me like you"  which comes back to he did make us like him in that he made us in his image and its our choices that have brought us to where we are now, wallowing in a sea of imperfection that continually makes life difficult.

but i am who God made me and i am where he put me so what am i going to do about it?

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