Saturday, September 18, 2010

Mindlessness-why I hit her in the first place.

I just got into a fight with my mom. I"m not sure if it was over something trivial or not but my feelings came out really hurt.

I started riding my bike on campus for the first time yesterday. It was a little weird because the seat still needs to be adjusted and such but for the most part i was doing well. Then i actually hit a person with my bike...

I felt horrible of course. It probably could have been avoided so I felt stupid and clumsy but most of all i felt horrible for probably hurting the girl. I ran right into her and then fell over on my bike. I jumped up and immediately began asking if she was okay.

She hadn't even fallen over herself and assured me she was fine. She was laughing and asked if I was okay but I kept asking if she was. I mean I had hit her with a bike, surely she should be more hurt than I was.

I was so embarassed. This happened in broad daylight while everyone was going to class so who knows how many people saw it happen. A professor who was walking by even asked if everyone was okay, which of course was nice of him but just reaffirmed the knowledge that EVERYONE had just seen my screw up and hurt someone else in the process. It wasn't a good feeling at all.

But as I said the girl was very nice, and introduced herself saying "I hope we meet again under better circumstaces"

My shoulder still hurts a little but besides that I walked away fine.

When I called mom today I mentioned it and her response to me before I even finished the story was "Sara I don't need to hear this, I don't need to hear about my daughter running over somebody with a bike." "You just got your bike up there and the first thing you do with it is run somebody over."

I tried to explain that I didn't run her "over." That she hadn't even been knocked over, she was still standing. I apologized for wanting to tell her what had happened to me in my life.

But she said it wasn't funny and I was telling the story like it was.

So very good mom, you made sure I understood the shame in what I had done and denyed me the defence mechanism of humor in the process, even though Linda, the girl I hit, was super nice and laughing about it herself.

But theres more of a point to this blog. Right after I got off of the phone with my mom which was pretty abruptly I began glumly staring into the computer screen and decided that I should go watch some tv, because then it would get my mind off of the rotten mood i'm now in.

But I realized that I would not just be deferring my thoughts, I would be removing them all together and that is why I was choosing television over something productive to take my mind of things.
I'm using television as a drug, to remove all thought so I don't have to feel.

Its okay to do things to take your mind of things when you're upset. Heck, its probably healthy. But I'm a person who struggles with mindlessness. The fact that I have no control over my own focus, the fact I am so absent mindedly forgetful, means that I should be avoiding thoughtlessness at all costs, and making myself think and be mindful.

Being mindful, I really really suck at that.

I don't know what decision I'll be making based on this realization. ;
But I don't wantn to harness habits that will only make my inability to finish things worse.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Maybe I can learn to love myself...

So today I had a free saturday afternoon/evening.

I know, shocking...

But anywho, the laundry has been piling up because i've been so busy lately. I've been working a lot, and after work instead of going home early to rest or get things done here that I need to, I pounce on every opportunity to hang out with my friends so I can feel like I'm not just working all the time. This has been keeping me out late almost every night, and by the time I've gotten home, the bed called my name more loudly than the laundry did.

At this point there were absolutely no clean clothes left of any sort so I had no choice. Even if I wanted to read or something this afternoon I couldn't because I had a task that could no longer wait.

Thats when a weird thing happened...I began to put clothes into my bureau. A large pile of "clean" clothes that I've had sitting in my room were finally folded and put into their place. (A few were hung up!)

And from there it spread. I started to go through my closet and take out clothes I no longer wear. And then closed up a bag of old toys from childhood that I've planned to take to Goodwill for....

a year.

And thats when it hit me. It was at this exact same time last year that I started doing the same thing. Many of the piles of things in my room exist as piles because I put them there last Augest with the intent of sorting through them to give them to Goodwill. Then school started and all hope of actually having a clean room dissapated.

There is officially a pattern to my life. I don't like it.

Here's the thing. Lately i've been thinking a lot about myself, my future, my love life, everything. And i've come to the conclusion that the mass amount of anxiety about anything comes down to that I don't really love myself.

THERE! I said it! Its not really a secret. I've never claimed to have a good self-esteem. I've claimed to be an optimist, but I'm also pretty open with the fact that I am optimistic for everyones life except my own. When it comes to predicting my own fortune, I expect myself to fail.

I know why its Augest. The end of summer is nearing, and I want to have accomplished something in the last three months. School will be starting soon and I'll want to have a fresh start. A clean bedroom to come home to every day would be amazing. What would be more amazing would be getting rid of all the junk i've accumulated in my life.

It occured to me as I was doing some sorting that as i've been praying to God to show me how to love myself, that maybe its Him giving me this sudden desire to clean.
After all if I want to love myself, I need to respect myself, and that could start at having a clean living space.

I don't know. All I know is that when I think about the place where I live now I feel the need to cry. It's overwhelming all the stuff there is, and practically none of it I want.

I want to be able to see in myself the same beauty that I see in others' as creations of God. I know in my head that He made me the way I am for a purpose. I know in my head that my flaws and imperfections are no worse than the next persons flaws or imperfections, and that the things I am good at are just as important as the things other people are good at, but I don't feel it in my heart. My heart still aches from the world's standards i've failed to meet. For too much of my childhood I was told I didn't deserve to be loved and considered a human being. I recognize that when other people come to me with their failings I am willing to give them all the grace that I can think of, but when it comes to myself the mental lashings never cease.

If I want to love myself as a human being, I need to start living like one. So i'm going to cleanse myself of my animalistic living situation, i'm going to stop drowning myself with all this junk from the past, and when this time next year rolls around and I get into the spring cleaning mood, my attentions will be paid to other aspects of my life and not this one over and over and over again.

I've been trying this for years, this year is going to be when He lends me the strength to actually do it.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle, conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern

that is what websters says is normal.

after the mathematical definition of course...

I'll start with afternoon when in conversation i uncomfortably heard my mother describe the difference between sara on aderol, and sara off aderol.

sara when she's herself, and sara when she can actually get things done.

like normal people.

we knew I had a.d.d. from an early age. my parents knew before i did. they didn't want me to be labeled. if i could survive without the medications then thats what i would do.

until i stopped being able to, that is until my grades no longer matched my intelligence.

when i was little i thought that spacing off was normal. i thought everybody did it. i didn't realize that everyone else could keep track of time, and finish tasks directly after them being given them.
in the first grade i had no idea what was going on and wondered how everyone else seemed to figure things out before i did.

by the time i got to high school and it was painfully apparent that i needed to be on some form of medication if i expected to graduate high school i felt relieved. but when i actually heard the doctor say "yup she has all the symptoms. i'm prescribing 20 mg of aderol a day."

i felt broken. it had been made official that there was something ABnormal about my brain that made fluent cognitive function difficult to attain in the least. there is no train of thought i will have that will not derail. its one of the reasons i enjoy blogging so much. i get all my thoughts out at once before i forget where i'm going or what i'm doing.

but the truth is i've never felt normal. i've either been too smart, or too fat, or too tall, too broad, to weird, too technical, too literal, too artistic, too feminine, too androgenous, too much or little of anything that everyone else said i needed to be.

the fault lies with myself as much as others. they should not be comparing me to themselves, nor should i be comparing myself to them. its to Christ i need to compare myself to. how do i measure up?

i hate my aderol. it makes me feel weird physically, and i become a robot, unable to exude the emotion i feel in quite the right way.

but the other day i was studying my dear friends' scott and nikki's baby Brooklyn. she is so so so so so so joyfully human. and i've fallen in love with that. i find myself watching more and more babies just to see if they all act so very human.

what i mean by that is that she is completely uninhibited in the emotion she portrays or feels. when she feels happy you can tell, when she feels sad you can tell. there is not a beat between thought and reaction for her. and why should there be? it won't be until she gets older that someone will say "you shouldn't laugh at that" or "you ought to be glad" it won't be until she's older that she'll realize that the world holds a different definition of how she should feel, and from that moment on she will measure her reactions as we all do. i dread that day for her.

but for now she's the most genuine thing on the planet.

today more than any other day i realized that the kids i work with at hilltop each struggle with their own definitions of normalcy. there are more than a few that struggle with differences in themselves that inhibit their relationships with others. some suffer from emotional differences, others physical. one particular girl Saba is Muslim. and if she hasn't experienced it yet there will come a day when she feels a separation between her and everyone else due to that religion, or possibly being the only indian girl in a class filled with white girls. someday she'll feel it if she hasn't already.

will saba feel broken because she isn't normal?
at least what she will perceive as normal because of her environment.

we're all broken, but why do we feel inferior to other humans when we realize it?

why can't i see others broken ness? is it because they hide it well?

or because they're human and its just that obvious.

how do i look like them, do i just live without inhibition, or increase it?

why do i want to look like them?

i wnat these kids to be able to play together and laugh together and just be normal kids together. but they won't let each other be normal because of the things that make them different.

i know that i am to comopare myself to Christ, but its so hard sometimes with all of these physical people in front of my eyes to compare myself to.

i guess there is no conclusion to this blog. im still contemplating on what normal is and why i can't figure out how to "be" it.

i've been outcasted for my presumed faults of every kind

how they thought i looked
how they perceived me sexually

its just frustrating and it hurts to think of my own abnormality, and then to see other people struggle with similar problems. i don't want them to feel abnormal. i don't want them to feel how i felt in high school.

but maybe thats human too.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

yes i'm a hypocrite...and?

So theres a hole in my fortress that is optimism

aka my faith.

I've been a bit prideful about my own optimism, if for no other reason than the fact that it is a philosophy that so many people don't recognize, and yet i've found to be fully effective.

To sum it up:

If God is truly good (which He is) and He has kept all His promises (which He has) and He now promises that He is in control and that all will be well in the end (which He does) and does in fact truly love us (which He also does) then there is NO reason not to be an optimist.

I expect the best to occur, because the man at the wheel says that it will.

It started when i was eleven years old. Before i was eleven i'm not going to lie, it was a pretty dark time in my life. I always feel a little silly saying that because such a young age group shouldn't experience some of the feelings I had but its true. If i hadn't accepted Christ when i was 9, i'm not so sure i'd be alive today, or at the very least so well adjusted. The statistics tell us that a kid like me when i was in elementary school tends to develop violent tendencies, drug abuse problems, promiscuity, due to lack of self esteem.

but those years are in the past.

anyway when i was eleven my mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer (there is no stage five) we weren't given a time limit because when she asked the doctor wouldn't give her one, said that would be bad for her which i now agree with. its not good for someone fighting for their life to be racing against a clock.

i don't know if it was denial but i told my mom "we'll get through this" and i didn't realize it at the time but she took great stock in my words. later when i heard my mom telling others that i had been a great inspiration to her to keep fighting because of how positive i'd been, i realized that i had to be this way. i had to be an optimist and just choose to know that everything was going to be all right. there were times when i felt it a heavy responsibility, and an unfair one, that i should be the only voice of encouragment in some circles, but this faith is strength, and it requires practice of strength to stay strong.

however for some reason when it comes to myself (probably theres some connection to self esteem issues rooted in the childhood i had) i can't be an optimist.

i walk around telling people that optimism is the best policy, that God will pull through for them, that they need to have faith in His capable hands, and believe that He made them beautiful, and made them for a positive purpose.

and yet when it comes to myself i see failure, i see ugliness, i see all the things that i fight against.

hipocrite-an actor, someone who says one thing but does another. i say that God is in control and that we have no reason to expect otherwise, yet i don't apply this to myself?

its a problem i thought that i'd worked through in the last year or so. i'd been resisting God in a pathway, but i wound up relenting of course, and my life has been going so much better since.

and then this little thing happened.

this little, tiny thing that for the last couple of days has been keeping me on the verge of tears, which it shouldn't be.

i might have an ear infection.

ive been swimming a lot because of my work and thats been leading to some ear issues. i feel as though its been some moisture issues, and possibly excess ear wax build up. i don't know whats the deal, but i know that i can't really hear out of my left ear right now, and i've not been able to for almost forty-eight hours.

yesterday i got into two fights with my mom over it, in which neither of us said very helpful things to one another.

and i've been terrrified. i've been scared that i'll get permanent ear damage and that i'll develop a hearing disability in which i won't be able to perform basically every ministry i've been called to.

playing in the youth band with the girls.
learning chinese so that i can take steps toward ending the sweatshop labor issue.
being a listener to the teenagers.

all of those require my ability to hear.

i'd think of going to the doctor, but we can't afford that right now. we can barely afford to keep moving.

and then i realized this morning, why am i fretting so much? why am i thinking about all the worst possible scenarios? i can go to the doctor, God will help us afford it, i can get this taken care of. these things happen every day. if God wants me to perform these ministries, then i will perform these ministries. and if he wants me to do it with partial hearing then i will STILL do it with only partial hearing.

i'm silly for fretting so.

although my hearing is still greatly diminished in my left ear. i know that everything is going to be alright.


because God says so.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

optmism, it always works.

I'm in a strange mood tonight, one of which I don't know how to describe. Earlier at band practice I was really wired. If I were a science experiement I would have been a volcano, because energy was just pouring from me like so much baking soda vinegar.

I've been working with the youth at my church and with each of them there seems to be something that God is working towards. I can feel it. There's this one boy (one of like three males in the whole youth group) who exudes an exceptionally good heart. He comes because he wants to learn, he worships because he wants to worship, he's nice to everybody, and a true gentleman. If we could get a guy like him as a leader then we'd start cranking out Godly men like nobodys business. But he is shy and quiet. (which doesn't mean you can't be a leader, but can serve as an obstacle) I pulled him up on stage tonight for practice, as we were down by three singers. He's sang with us during practice before, but refuses to do so for worship on Sunday nights. However tonight I could really hear him sing, and he wasn't bad at all! So I told him "You're singing with us Sunday" to which he replied "what?"

I explained how his male voice added something we an all girl band were lacking, and that he had a good voice. He looked at me as if (and this could have just been my imagination) he wanted to say yes, that the idea intrigued him, but all the old inhibitions were holding him back. He is afraid to get up in front of people, but the fact that he wasn't looking at me like i was absolutely insane (and quite frankly he should have been because i was acting really weird tonight) was a good sign. He said he would sleep on it.

Then as I was dropping off this other girl home, we saw her sister outside of their apartment. Neither of them have been coming, and i've made it my goal to get them back regularly. The first sister came tonight for the first time in a couple of months. The second, and the one i've really been working on, hasn't been in longer. I was so excited to see her that i stopped my car right away and jumped out to embrace her, and introduced myself to her boyfriend. I asked her why she hadn't been coming, and if she might consider coming this sunday.

"This sunday?" she was hesitant. But she said she might. I told her I would be at her place to pick her up at five and she had better be there.

i see the potential of what God is doing in these kids, and its scary, but in a good way. like sitting at the top of a roller coaster, or waiting to get a piercing, or starting a new life.

It might seem like my mood has been of the bossy kind just telling one boy that he was singing with us sunday, and just telling one girl i would be picking her up for church. But i promise you, bossy was not the vibe i was sending. i prefer to think of how i was as being proactive.

i wish everything else in my life could be attacked with such energy as i've had tonight. i saw opportunities and i jumped on them with confidence. i wish such a wild fire be in all that i do.

so now i'm home and the energy has not completely gone. i'm happy right now, i mean really happy. yet i've listened to matthias replaces judas by showbread a few times, and thats a depressing song.

i can't put my finger on it, im just weird tonight, but i like it.

there are few things i've done in my life where i've just swept in and known what i was doing from the get go. i could name a couple of auditions, some improv shows, maybe once in asking for directions, but its a short list. tonight i can add my interactions with the youth. it makes me nervous to think about my future and what it holds and how i'll approach it. im scared, crazy scared to think that i might be in places like taiwan or cambodia, actually reaching out to people ten times more impovershed than the drunkest american homeless man. speaking chinese, fighting slavery, my everyday christian life, all need to be approached with such confidence and energy as i've had tonight. because when i have this confidence i succeed.

i've said often and its true, that optimism has never failed me. when i predict something will happen for the better, it does. but one place i have never been able to be confident in is myself. i could think everyone around me is going to make all A's this semester and i would predict my own failure in the same breathe. i don't know why i have so little faith in myself, when i know what kind of God lives within me.

is a lack of faith in myself a lack of faith in Him?

not sure.

i started work this week (sort of) so lets hope i get all of my hours.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

These things I point out to myself.

One thing i've noticed in our household is that when one thing breaks, everything thing breaks.

Well maybe not everything, but just enough to make life a little difficult.

emphasis on a little, as per the point of this blog.

It started when our one and only working vehicle broke down a month ago. A little background information so you know what this means:

My family consists of four adults. A father and a brother who work, a girl (myself) who attends college, and a mom who is a councelor at church, and holds everything at at home together that the rest of us cannot because we aren't home, to the best of her ability. That best being all we can ask for as she is in remission of inflammatory breast cancer, and has frequent doctors appointments.

We live ten miles from the closest town and/or gas station.

HOWEVER, we live 40 miles from my school which i commute to, and the church which we are all heavily involved in, and an additional 20 miles added to that from where my father works.

So you see the dilemma that arises when the single car that the four of us have been sharing breaks down.

BUT, i maintain that this car, a white '95 acura, was a God car. We had gotten it for free in the first place, it was the only working car out of the four we posessed, and it waited to stop working until john and i were safely home at six thirty in the morning, and until i was on spring break and had two weeks before i needed to be at classes again. In other words, the most convenient time it could have broken down.

So dad took a few days off of work to try and fix one of the cars, im not exactly sure which one he was working on, i don't think it was the acura.

Spring break ends, and still nothing fixed, however thanks to a couple of loving friends we are currently borrowing a red truck (thankyou candy) and a silver focus (thankyou linda) which is actually putting us in a slightly better situation than we were before.

Unfortunately here's what ELSE happened.

My great unlce Donald died, I didn't know him that well, but because of school i couldn't go to the funeral, and mom and john went down by themselves. This is an occurence that has happened on my mothers side in addition to my grandfather being in the hospital for having trouble breathing, and my aunt cindy dying a year ago and recently having that one year anniversary of her death. Mom went down (and rightly so) to stay for a while so she can help grandpa understand all of his new meds, make sure that granny is dealing with everything okay (she has an anxiety disorder and dimensia) and be there for my uncle kenny as well (her brother) so that he isn't the only one dealing with it.

Every time my mother leaves, it becomes abundantly clear how much we all rely upon her.

Because the dryer broke........

So we have these cars that we can't afford to keep filled with gasoline because dad took so much time off of work his paycheck is very small and john hass not been getting a lot of work what with it being spring break in the school district he works for and all. We have a broken dryer so the laundry is piling, (the dishes were piling before john came back up from my grandparents, dad and i were just never home to do them) and it feels like a vicious cycle, we're losing money because we don't have a car, but we need money to have one......and sirius my dog is still missing.

AND YET on top of it all.

i attend college, this is making me more educated than seventy percent of the world.

i have yet to go a day without food. even if we run completely broke this week we've got enough packaged food to get us by. i have already eaten more today (a bagel and soymilk) than what thousands of people will eat in a week.
i still have a roof over my head, no matter where i go. if i get stuck in valpo for lack of gas i have friends, and at home i have a roof as well. all these roofs have beds attached btw.
i have dirty clothes, but i have clothes.
i was pissed off yesterday when the health care bill was signed, but i live in a country where im allowed to express that emotion.
and i have a community of people around me that are taking care of me
not even to mention the family i live in that is taking care of me, a mom who is willing to go to another state away from her family and normal obligations just to make sure that her parents are getting what they need.
a dad whose working his fingers off to keep us going

but above all a God who is making it so very obvious through all of these things that i will never be foresaken, He will never leave me, or stop taking care of me.

So most of this blog, it sounds like whining and complaining, and probably rightfully so in some ways, but this is actually a praise blog. praise to the One who keeps me going, praise to the Only who loves me despite, praise Forever and ever.

Monday, March 1, 2010


This crazy kiss!
Unthinkable dream!
This life in its entirety makes me scream!
For nothing in Heaven or Earth could ever abound
Or Surpass the splendour of what I have found!

Like the secret of a farmer inside his bought field
Or a succession of servants with succession of yield
Or the yeast that turns the dough into bread
Or seed scattered among thorns just yearning to be fed

But no! Not I, could be nearly so strong,
As to traipse about the Kingdom as if I belong!
Or to reach out a hand to those saplings in the ground
Or bell of such brassy and clear resound
Just leave me to observe till the trumpet sound....

But wait! I say that I can not, nor should
I presume to be noble enough for the good.
But I insist oh my Treasure, oh my most precious of finds
I dearly wish to be so if that wish be thine
So as Your hand spreads seed to scatter
While most might just stand by and contemplate how it matters
I shall pull back my hair and roll up my sleeves
And sift through the mulch and the roots and the leaves
Coaxing from the arth just one little stalk
So that I might move from milk to fruit
From a crawl to a walk

For this thing that i've found causes my voice to ring
My feet to dance
My life to sing
And so is Your effect upon EVERYTHING

For I was a pearly seed
Lost to its lustre
But you renamed my bloom
From mistake to mustard

And as my heart exclaims with joy
The One who has filled this void
And whose words and actions And love I'll employ....

This is the purest love of all time
And through thick and thin I know that its mine.