Saturday, July 17, 2010

yes i'm a hypocrite...and?

So theres a hole in my fortress that is optimism

aka my faith.

I've been a bit prideful about my own optimism, if for no other reason than the fact that it is a philosophy that so many people don't recognize, and yet i've found to be fully effective.

To sum it up:

If God is truly good (which He is) and He has kept all His promises (which He has) and He now promises that He is in control and that all will be well in the end (which He does) and does in fact truly love us (which He also does) then there is NO reason not to be an optimist.

I expect the best to occur, because the man at the wheel says that it will.

It started when i was eleven years old. Before i was eleven i'm not going to lie, it was a pretty dark time in my life. I always feel a little silly saying that because such a young age group shouldn't experience some of the feelings I had but its true. If i hadn't accepted Christ when i was 9, i'm not so sure i'd be alive today, or at the very least so well adjusted. The statistics tell us that a kid like me when i was in elementary school tends to develop violent tendencies, drug abuse problems, promiscuity, due to lack of self esteem.

but those years are in the past.

anyway when i was eleven my mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer (there is no stage five) we weren't given a time limit because when she asked the doctor wouldn't give her one, said that would be bad for her which i now agree with. its not good for someone fighting for their life to be racing against a clock.

i don't know if it was denial but i told my mom "we'll get through this" and i didn't realize it at the time but she took great stock in my words. later when i heard my mom telling others that i had been a great inspiration to her to keep fighting because of how positive i'd been, i realized that i had to be this way. i had to be an optimist and just choose to know that everything was going to be all right. there were times when i felt it a heavy responsibility, and an unfair one, that i should be the only voice of encouragment in some circles, but this faith is strength, and it requires practice of strength to stay strong.

however for some reason when it comes to myself (probably theres some connection to self esteem issues rooted in the childhood i had) i can't be an optimist.

i walk around telling people that optimism is the best policy, that God will pull through for them, that they need to have faith in His capable hands, and believe that He made them beautiful, and made them for a positive purpose.

and yet when it comes to myself i see failure, i see ugliness, i see all the things that i fight against.

hipocrite-an actor, someone who says one thing but does another. i say that God is in control and that we have no reason to expect otherwise, yet i don't apply this to myself?

its a problem i thought that i'd worked through in the last year or so. i'd been resisting God in a pathway, but i wound up relenting of course, and my life has been going so much better since.

and then this little thing happened.

this little, tiny thing that for the last couple of days has been keeping me on the verge of tears, which it shouldn't be.

i might have an ear infection.

ive been swimming a lot because of my work and thats been leading to some ear issues. i feel as though its been some moisture issues, and possibly excess ear wax build up. i don't know whats the deal, but i know that i can't really hear out of my left ear right now, and i've not been able to for almost forty-eight hours.

yesterday i got into two fights with my mom over it, in which neither of us said very helpful things to one another.

and i've been terrrified. i've been scared that i'll get permanent ear damage and that i'll develop a hearing disability in which i won't be able to perform basically every ministry i've been called to.

playing in the youth band with the girls.
learning chinese so that i can take steps toward ending the sweatshop labor issue.
being a listener to the teenagers.

all of those require my ability to hear.

i'd think of going to the doctor, but we can't afford that right now. we can barely afford to keep moving.

and then i realized this morning, why am i fretting so much? why am i thinking about all the worst possible scenarios? i can go to the doctor, God will help us afford it, i can get this taken care of. these things happen every day. if God wants me to perform these ministries, then i will perform these ministries. and if he wants me to do it with partial hearing then i will STILL do it with only partial hearing.

i'm silly for fretting so.

although my hearing is still greatly diminished in my left ear. i know that everything is going to be alright.


because God says so.

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