I just got into a fight with my mom. I"m not sure if it was over something trivial or not but my feelings came out really hurt.
I started riding my bike on campus for the first time yesterday. It was a little weird because the seat still needs to be adjusted and such but for the most part i was doing well. Then i actually hit a person with my bike...
I felt horrible of course. It probably could have been avoided so I felt stupid and clumsy but most of all i felt horrible for probably hurting the girl. I ran right into her and then fell over on my bike. I jumped up and immediately began asking if she was okay.
She hadn't even fallen over herself and assured me she was fine. She was laughing and asked if I was okay but I kept asking if she was. I mean I had hit her with a bike, surely she should be more hurt than I was.
I was so embarassed. This happened in broad daylight while everyone was going to class so who knows how many people saw it happen. A professor who was walking by even asked if everyone was okay, which of course was nice of him but just reaffirmed the knowledge that EVERYONE had just seen my screw up and hurt someone else in the process. It wasn't a good feeling at all.
But as I said the girl was very nice, and introduced herself saying "I hope we meet again under better circumstaces"
My shoulder still hurts a little but besides that I walked away fine.
When I called mom today I mentioned it and her response to me before I even finished the story was "Sara I don't need to hear this, I don't need to hear about my daughter running over somebody with a bike." "You just got your bike up there and the first thing you do with it is run somebody over."
I tried to explain that I didn't run her "over." That she hadn't even been knocked over, she was still standing. I apologized for wanting to tell her what had happened to me in my life.
But she said it wasn't funny and I was telling the story like it was.
So very good mom, you made sure I understood the shame in what I had done and denyed me the defence mechanism of humor in the process, even though Linda, the girl I hit, was super nice and laughing about it herself.
But theres more of a point to this blog. Right after I got off of the phone with my mom which was pretty abruptly I began glumly staring into the computer screen and decided that I should go watch some tv, because then it would get my mind off of the rotten mood i'm now in.
But I realized that I would not just be deferring my thoughts, I would be removing them all together and that is why I was choosing television over something productive to take my mind of things.
I'm using television as a drug, to remove all thought so I don't have to feel.
Its okay to do things to take your mind of things when you're upset. Heck, its probably healthy. But I'm a person who struggles with mindlessness. The fact that I have no control over my own focus, the fact I am so absent mindedly forgetful, means that I should be avoiding thoughtlessness at all costs, and making myself think and be mindful.
Being mindful, I really really suck at that.
I don't know what decision I'll be making based on this realization. ;
But I don't wantn to harness habits that will only make my inability to finish things worse.