Saturday, August 7, 2010

Maybe I can learn to love myself...

So today I had a free saturday afternoon/evening.

I know, shocking...

But anywho, the laundry has been piling up because i've been so busy lately. I've been working a lot, and after work instead of going home early to rest or get things done here that I need to, I pounce on every opportunity to hang out with my friends so I can feel like I'm not just working all the time. This has been keeping me out late almost every night, and by the time I've gotten home, the bed called my name more loudly than the laundry did.

At this point there were absolutely no clean clothes left of any sort so I had no choice. Even if I wanted to read or something this afternoon I couldn't because I had a task that could no longer wait.

Thats when a weird thing happened...I began to put clothes into my bureau. A large pile of "clean" clothes that I've had sitting in my room were finally folded and put into their place. (A few were hung up!)

And from there it spread. I started to go through my closet and take out clothes I no longer wear. And then closed up a bag of old toys from childhood that I've planned to take to Goodwill for....

a year.

And thats when it hit me. It was at this exact same time last year that I started doing the same thing. Many of the piles of things in my room exist as piles because I put them there last Augest with the intent of sorting through them to give them to Goodwill. Then school started and all hope of actually having a clean room dissapated.

There is officially a pattern to my life. I don't like it.

Here's the thing. Lately i've been thinking a lot about myself, my future, my love life, everything. And i've come to the conclusion that the mass amount of anxiety about anything comes down to that I don't really love myself.

THERE! I said it! Its not really a secret. I've never claimed to have a good self-esteem. I've claimed to be an optimist, but I'm also pretty open with the fact that I am optimistic for everyones life except my own. When it comes to predicting my own fortune, I expect myself to fail.

I know why its Augest. The end of summer is nearing, and I want to have accomplished something in the last three months. School will be starting soon and I'll want to have a fresh start. A clean bedroom to come home to every day would be amazing. What would be more amazing would be getting rid of all the junk i've accumulated in my life.

It occured to me as I was doing some sorting that as i've been praying to God to show me how to love myself, that maybe its Him giving me this sudden desire to clean.
After all if I want to love myself, I need to respect myself, and that could start at having a clean living space.

I don't know. All I know is that when I think about the place where I live now I feel the need to cry. It's overwhelming all the stuff there is, and practically none of it I want.

I want to be able to see in myself the same beauty that I see in others' as creations of God. I know in my head that He made me the way I am for a purpose. I know in my head that my flaws and imperfections are no worse than the next persons flaws or imperfections, and that the things I am good at are just as important as the things other people are good at, but I don't feel it in my heart. My heart still aches from the world's standards i've failed to meet. For too much of my childhood I was told I didn't deserve to be loved and considered a human being. I recognize that when other people come to me with their failings I am willing to give them all the grace that I can think of, but when it comes to myself the mental lashings never cease.

If I want to love myself as a human being, I need to start living like one. So i'm going to cleanse myself of my animalistic living situation, i'm going to stop drowning myself with all this junk from the past, and when this time next year rolls around and I get into the spring cleaning mood, my attentions will be paid to other aspects of my life and not this one over and over and over again.

I've been trying this for years, this year is going to be when He lends me the strength to actually do it.