I'm in a strange mood tonight, one of which I don't know how to describe. Earlier at band practice I was really wired. If I were a science experiement I would have been a volcano, because energy was just pouring from me like so much baking soda vinegar.
I've been working with the youth at my church and with each of them there seems to be something that God is working towards. I can feel it. There's this one boy (one of like three males in the whole youth group) who exudes an exceptionally good heart. He comes because he wants to learn, he worships because he wants to worship, he's nice to everybody, and a true gentleman. If we could get a guy like him as a leader then we'd start cranking out Godly men like nobodys business. But he is shy and quiet. (which doesn't mean you can't be a leader, but can serve as an obstacle) I pulled him up on stage tonight for practice, as we were down by three singers. He's sang with us during practice before, but refuses to do so for worship on Sunday nights. However tonight I could really hear him sing, and he wasn't bad at all! So I told him "You're singing with us Sunday" to which he replied "what?"
I explained how his male voice added something we an all girl band were lacking, and that he had a good voice. He looked at me as if (and this could have just been my imagination) he wanted to say yes, that the idea intrigued him, but all the old inhibitions were holding him back. He is afraid to get up in front of people, but the fact that he wasn't looking at me like i was absolutely insane (and quite frankly he should have been because i was acting really weird tonight) was a good sign. He said he would sleep on it.
Then as I was dropping off this other girl home, we saw her sister outside of their apartment. Neither of them have been coming, and i've made it my goal to get them back regularly. The first sister came tonight for the first time in a couple of months. The second, and the one i've really been working on, hasn't been in longer. I was so excited to see her that i stopped my car right away and jumped out to embrace her, and introduced myself to her boyfriend. I asked her why she hadn't been coming, and if she might consider coming this sunday.
"This sunday?" she was hesitant. But she said she might. I told her I would be at her place to pick her up at five and she had better be there.
i see the potential of what God is doing in these kids, and its scary, but in a good way. like sitting at the top of a roller coaster, or waiting to get a piercing, or starting a new life.
It might seem like my mood has been of the bossy kind just telling one boy that he was singing with us sunday, and just telling one girl i would be picking her up for church. But i promise you, bossy was not the vibe i was sending. i prefer to think of how i was as being proactive.
i wish everything else in my life could be attacked with such energy as i've had tonight. i saw opportunities and i jumped on them with confidence. i wish such a wild fire be in all that i do.
so now i'm home and the energy has not completely gone. i'm happy right now, i mean really happy. yet i've listened to matthias replaces judas by showbread a few times, and thats a depressing song.
i can't put my finger on it, im just weird tonight, but i like it.
there are few things i've done in my life where i've just swept in and known what i was doing from the get go. i could name a couple of auditions, some improv shows, maybe once in asking for directions, but its a short list. tonight i can add my interactions with the youth. it makes me nervous to think about my future and what it holds and how i'll approach it. im scared, crazy scared to think that i might be in places like taiwan or cambodia, actually reaching out to people ten times more impovershed than the drunkest american homeless man. speaking chinese, fighting slavery, my everyday christian life, all need to be approached with such confidence and energy as i've had tonight. because when i have this confidence i succeed.
i've said often and its true, that optimism has never failed me. when i predict something will happen for the better, it does. but one place i have never been able to be confident in is myself. i could think everyone around me is going to make all A's this semester and i would predict my own failure in the same breathe. i don't know why i have so little faith in myself, when i know what kind of God lives within me.
is a lack of faith in myself a lack of faith in Him?
i started work this week (sort of) so lets hope i get all of my hours.