after growing up in a society that expects instant gratification and desires easy answers, my mind is constantly trying sift through the cacophany of problems and obstacles in my life and try to find the Problem. you know what i'm talking about? everyone has multiple problems, but we have this idea that there is one sort of mother Problem that if fixed would solve the rest through the domino effect.
have you ever thought "if only (insert problem solving here) then i would be happy."
it could be something you don't have that you need or think you need. it could be a habit you haven't formed or a goal you haven't reached or a job you haven't attained or a person you want in your life that doesn't want in yours.
for me i tend to focus on my ADD as the Problem, because I figure if i could just get around to getting treated then i would also be able to focus long enough on all of my other problems to fix them.
problems like paying debts and getting a better job.
but then i start to think about getting a better job and i begin to feel hopeless because trust me, i've been looking for other jobs, and everything is either just as good or worse than what i have now, or better and unattainable because i don't have "experience"
that being said, there is not a day that i am at work where at some point i will be sweeping the floor or baking a potato or something and i think...i hate this job, i want to quit."
call me anything you like. call me lazy, call me disorganized. i certainly appear that way to a lot of people although i would disagree with you and say that i am neither of these things. but you can call me them anyway. but one thing i am not is a quitter. i don't quit things. i get anxiety attacks and avoid things altogether sometimes but i never quit. quitting is at its tamest a gamble. but gambles are only worth their payoff. my payoff would be having more time to surf the internet for jobs and less smelling like a deep fryer. since that payoff isn't that great quitting isn't a gamble, its a luxury. a luxery i don't have. plus whenever i quit anything i feel like a failure. i had to drop a class once and i felt like the stupidest and most inadequate person on the planet.
andi keep thinking of this one time i was with my parents as a kid and we were in this mall or something, and there was this rock climbing wall. and i decided i really wanted to do it. so my parents let me. i was like nine at the time i think. all i remember is i got about halfway up, and by then my arms and legs were killing me and i was getting scared of the height and i started to feel like i was going to cry and i looked down at my parents and said "i want to come down." at first they encouraged me to keep trying but by then i felt completely hopeless and they told me it was okay to come down.
sometimes i wonder if i had finished the wall would it have inspired me to become more of an athletic kid and would i be healthier today as a result. at the same time i think its silly to think that such an insignificant thing so long ago turned me into the sedentary person i am today. i climbed yellow mountain in china and it hasn't inspired me to go hiking since then.
so normally at the end of these blogs, after over analyzing my life and decisions i somehow come to a weird slightly optimistic conclusion that says "perk up buttercup things will get better" but then it doesn't feel like anything changes.
i just want something to change.
i need to move forward, just a little.