OPTIMISM

I've decided to make a list of my dreams. But first, I would like to make a distinction between dreams and goals. The list I am about to make will be a list of things I want to be/accomplish, its true, however some of them may be a little more fanciful than actual realistic goals. (This does not make them impossible, more like a "if I had my druthers" sort of situation.)

Furthermore, these are things that I would like, but there are limits to how far I will go, or what lines I will cross to accomplish them. I will not for instance, pick any one of these instead of taking a path I feel God is leading me towards. You may see this as a cop out, but its isn't. It is an honest to goodness statement, that in the long run whatever God has planned for me will be better then whatever plans I have for myself. I will be happier, and I will make a better and bigger impact on the world.

Another thing that makes these dreams and not goals is their relationship with one another. The list as a whole might be a little hard to accomplish for one person. I could maybe get one or two of them, but in addition to the rest of life there will be little time left to pay attention to any more. And I need my sleep.

Some of them are simple, and my not require much effort, the primary obstacles are more in my mind than anything else. Others of them may seem very complex and could take years to accomplish. I have no idea how much time I have on this planet. I could die today, I could die in 60 years. You just don't know.

1. Work in China for a non-profit. -This could be a job where I just have to travel to China a lot, or actually live there for a time. But I want to do something beneficial to humanity, I want to do it in China, and I want to put my Chinese to good use, which brings me to my next one...
2. Become proficient in Chinese.- I am only in my second year, and about to graduate, so actually continuing to learn this foreign language is going to require some real effort on my part.
3. Learn to play the cello.- I don't want to be a master cellist, I just want to be able to hold my own musically with the thing. This is a dream that will require some dedication as well as moolah. I can hold my own with the clarinet and I've had seven years training in that. I think I could hold my own by 4 years, but a string instrument is a different animal so we'll have to see.
4. Become a professional blogger.- I don't have the highest readership with this thing. My myspace one had about 30 though. I've just discovered that this is something I enjoy, and I wouldn't mind being paid to do it.
5. Be a healthy weight for my height and body type.- Okay this is one that should be easier than I make it but that doesn't make it easy. I've been overweight for a s long as I can remember, but not nearly to the extent that I have been recently. My dream is 145, and that is at the top of what's healthy for my shape and height. To be honest, I'd be happy with 150, or 175. As of right now to achieve this dream weight I'd have to lose 75 lbs. Benefits from this? I'd feel better, have an easier time finding clothes that fit. I wouldn't run through clothes as much as the wear and tear would be diminished. And whether or not people choose to admit it, I'd probably make a bigger impact in the work place. It's hard enough to be successful as a woman, try being an overweight one. As women our looks matter unfortunately.

These dreams are not requirements in my life to be happy. I can be happy without all of these things. They are things I would like, and all of them represent something bigger. The truth is that I have trouble achieving things. I do well in structured environments but when left to my own devices there is very little productivity in my psyche. All of these will require discipline, and that above all of these other things is what I really want. I want to be able to wake up on time, to be able to start and finish things, and the ability to decide I want to do something, and then do it, not pine because I try and can't. A lot of my struggles are rooted in my ADD, which as a disorder cause a lot of problems. I can't organize my time, can't stay focused on projects, and so forth. But if I could become a disciplined person I could work around my ADD.

Someday I may reread this list and decide I don't want these things anymore, and that's fine. But I never want to look back and regret not trying.