Saturday, October 6, 2012

the show must go on.

today is just a weird day

its super cold out, which is typical for northwest Indiana considering it is October and also was in the seventies two days ago.

this morning i heard a car honk on the road, which is odd for the middle of nowhere, and looked over my shoulder, pulling a muscle in my neck.
since then while in town i have watched fashion videos for entertainment, a subject i have never cared for, drank two cups of coffee with creamer, a beverage i rarely drink, and burned two dishrags in my attempt at making a hot pack for my neck.  i was hungry so i reheated the food i brought, masala chicken and macaroni, and discovered three bites in that i didn't want it anymore, so put it back in the fridge.

so today i'm apparently a coffee drinking fashionista with an injured neck and bad luck with microwaves. (not that watching youtube videos qualifies me as a fashionista.  but you feel like one after a couple.)

still it's better being in town doing nothing then at home doing nothing, where the nothing i would be doing would involve extra guilt.  at least in town i feel like i'm doing something even if i'm not, and i'm also not in my pajamas anymore.

in the meantime i keep thinking about how its been five months since i graduated and i'm currently living at home working in fast food.

not that i expected to be a super successful woman or that life wouldn't be hard at this point.  but i at least expected some new problems in my life.  i expected for God to reveal some kind of unexpected job opportunity as soon as i graduated.  actually that's sort of what happened, but it only lasted two months.  i had a lot of great experiences this summer but i kind of wish i could do it over.  if i learned anything at all its that i should probably be on 2 or 3 different medications.  i'm trying to figure out if my life isn't moving forward because i'm doing something wrong, or because i'm not doing something i should, or if i just need to wait.  i know my future or God's plans for me no better or worse than i did five months ago, but five months ago i at least seemed to be moving forward, towards something, no matter what it could have been.

there's also this underlying pressure.  i feel like a lot of people in my life expect a lot from me.  and i have not disappointed anyone quite yet but there's an audience holding their breath waiting for me to do something.  except the director has given me no lines to recite so i just keep making stuff up.

I've been considering joining the peace corps.  i can't tell if its something God wants me to do, or if i'm just considering it because i don't see any other options.  do i not really want to do it or am i just scared? i'm more scared of doing the wrong thing than anything else.  afraid of the awkward situations that will come up because of it.  afraid of the stress it will cause, and me without the chemical tablets to handle it.

then again there is one thing that my high school drama teacher always used to say when we were improvising in the background or something like that.  she said "i'd rather you do something wrong than do nothing at all."  she was always talking to those students who were so unsure of themselves on the stage that they'd just kind of stand there, looking scared.  i never thought i'd be one of those kids.  as shy and awkward and weird as i am in almost every social and professional situation, when on the stage i always knew where i was and what to do.  but the thing about it is that you are never to do nothing.  you are always to do something.  even if someone else is talking and you're just in the background you are to keep busy and keep acting because just one person standing awkwardly can make a bad scene.

either way, i need to do something to feel like the plot is moving forward.

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