it hurts less to sleep than it does to dream

beautiful things make me sad anymore.

they make me feel like i'm missing something in my life.  something big and important.  i'm not really creating anymore.

creating is really important for humans.  especially creating beautiful things, because we are what we create.  if i ask myself if i'm beautiful i have to be honest and say...i have had my moments.  but not lately.

i think it is both man's blessing and his curse that we should not recognize our own moments of beauty until years later, and possibly  never.  so being beautiful is known to be an attainable goal, but one that we must constantly be striving for. 

i'm inpatient.

sometimes i really hate that i need people, that i get my energy from people, because i often feel like i need to have just a string of a few days all to myself, a string of a few weeks really, to fix myself.  and then when i've recovered i can re-enter society as the person that i'm supposed to be.  

you know how when you're running late it can start with something really small that throws your whole day off?  like you hit the snooze button one time too many or your pet makes a mess that needs immediate attention or you get stuck behind a train.  it only really takes a few minutes of your time but it takes you hours to get back on schedule.  i kind of feel that way about my whole life.  like one day in grade school i overslept and now i can't get back on track. 

but i'm getting derailed now actually.

i have this sinking feeling that my entire life i'm going to be doing everything to actually create something i'm proud of and for the rest of my life beautiful things will be making me sad.

i think that the easy assumption is that my job in fast food and having nothing in the foreseeable future but debt repayment is killing my soul.

of course i could just be a flawed human being.