Thursday, November 15, 2012

better than xanax Part II

so my last couple of posts have been kind of angsty

for that, i don't apologize.  this blog is and always will be my self expression, and i only ever write blogs when i actually feel like i have something to say.

even if its only something like "i like cupcakes, they rock my socks."  i write that because at the time i am feeling it so strongly that i need to take that message, put it into a little cyber capsule, and jettison it into oblivion for whomever to find and read and take as they will.

that being said, part of the reason they've been angsty is because well, i've been feeling angsty.

especially at night, which is when i blog.

but i've not really been feeling angsty.  i've been feeling, sad.  there i said it.

you know how hard it is for me to admit that i'm sad?
its weird.  i'll admit i'm angry or frustrated or happy or just about any other emotion before i'll admit that i'm sad.

or embarrassed, for some reason i don't like admitting when i'm embarrassed.  it makes it worse or something.


this whole sadness not admitting thing is probably a pride issue.  all issues turn out to be pride issues in the end.  its kind of connected to this underlying feeling i have that i have to act as if everything is okay all the time otherwise people will get upset with me, because me admitting that i'm troubled is actually on some level making trouble.

so there, i admitted it.  i can't admit that i'm sad.  but now i'm admitting it.  i'm sad.


okay so basically this is how my life has been going down.  i wake up in the morning, late.

so already in my day i am a failure.  this is every day mind you.  i have no idea why on earth i can't wake up on time but golly gee have i not been working on it MY ENTIRE LIFE and jimminy willickers has it gotten WORSE WITH AGE!!

so invariably, my first action of every day is a screw up.

i don't even get a chance to do something right before i do something wrong.

after i get up late i will probably shower although that depends on how late i got up, get dressed into my work uniform and go to work.  then i will work super hard at a job that i feel terrible at if for no other reason then i can't seem to move fast enough.  i will get frequent annoyed and impatient looks from my supervisors, i will over compensate by doing an obscenely detailed job sweeping, then right when i think i'm getting the hang of things accidentally close the cash drawer before giving a customer their change, forcing me to call over a manager to open the drawer for me so i can retrieve it.

i will leave work after getting somewhere between three to five hours. which every paycheck adds to just under how much i need to do one thing on the list of many things i need the money for.  i will put in my lipring to feel like myself again, and depending on the day go to some kind of social activity with my friends hoping that i don't smell like deep fried fish planks.

then i will come home, i may or may not make myself food, watch television for an extended period of time and then get online to check facebook and tumblr and pinterest and any other social networking site i can think of.  it's about this time that my entire day settles over my head and i'll see something online that strikes a chord with me and i'll get really emotional and then i'll blog.

i'll remind and berate myself about how i'm not doing anything in my life that makes life worth living.  i'm not really serving anyone, i'm not creating anything, i'm not going anywhere, i'm not using my education.

then i will go to bed, knowing that the next day is going to be exactly like that day was.

believe me, i have a point to all of this.

so when it comes to where i am with God right now i'm all like "where do you want me to go?"  and God is all like "well, you're here right now."  and i'm like "well i'm not asking about right now, God.  i'm asking about what i am to be doing..."

i've been trying to be more intentional in my walk, specifically with prayer.  there have just been so many things circling my life that need prayer lately. people and circumstances.  and i know i need to pray more, not just my regular impulse prayers like "Dear God thankyou for not letting that bus hit me."  but more like actual "hey, God.  what's up?  so this is happening to me today, and by the way this is whats happening to all of my friends."

i believe in the power of prayer.  so why don't i use it?

over the summer i had another job that was giving me similar anxieties and it was awful, and then i chose to do this prayer routine with one of the youth group chicks and was amazed to discover that not only were my days going better but i was actually happy.

so today as i was driving home and thinking overwhelming thoughts about student loans and insufficiencies in my work and my self it occurred to me like a pudgy girl on the couch who said she'd run more (cause i'm that girl too) that i was by myself and maybe instead of jamming to ke$ha i should be talking to God.

" suppose you already know this but...i'm sad..."

sidenote:  you know i've been thinking about the word "sad" and wondering if there is a better more fitting synonym to use.  after all i see meme after meme on the internet making fun of people's limited vocabularies.  but the truth is i feel there is no better word that could quite describe it.

so i get home and i get online and i start checking things and i start watching youtube videos and i do laundry and i work on something for the dinner party i'm going to tomorrow and realize something.

i'm not thinking about all the crap in my life.  i'm thinking about what i'm doing.  thats it.

and i'm once again reminded about how just talking to God makes things better even though nothing in my life has changed...yet...i think i have some more praying to do.

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