i think one of the reasons we're so obsessed with being ourselves or finding ourselves is that we try to quantify it by qualifying it, or qualify it by quantifying it. like saying "I am the sum of everything i've been" or "this thing, this thing, and this thing, make up who i am."
a thought occured to me earlier today. i don't remember what it was i was thinking about doing, but i thought "i'm going to try to do that" to which i thought "is that fake?"
and then realized that just because something requires effort doesn't mean it isn't also part of who we are. this is the whole problem with the concept of "posers" and why the cliche'd hipster pretentiousness is made fun of so much. its ridiculous to say that a person who likes metal music isn't really metal and is only pretending to be metal if they don't participate in every qualifier deemed "Necessary" to be metal. (this is just an example) but our "self" isn't just what we do, its what we want. its as much the times we feel like we're not ourselves as the times when we are because those times when we don't feel like ourselves are times when WE are uncomfortable.
it should be enough for us, but it isn't.
so this thought i had earlier today, realizing that the existence of effort didn't negate the "realness" of a person or their actions was somewhat contradictory to a thought i just had now where i decided that i was most myself when i was a young child because i existed without trying to define myself as a distinct existence. but thats not true is it? it j ust means that who i was wasn't bothered by the question "who am i?" and the effort of finding out who we are doesn't make us less who we are than if we thought of it not at all.
but i can see our existence as being one of two things, realizing that there are more than likely many possibilites that i just have yet to consider and that is we are who we are who we are, or, we are what we define ourselves as, because i truly believe everything in the universe contains the value in which it is given and if we qualify ourselvels and say "i am a waitress" or "i am a sousaphonician (makin up words like a boss)" then that is what we are and it really doesn't need to be more complicated then that.
but once again i contradict myself and my own thoughts realizing that i believe people or things to be different then the values they're given all the time. for instance a friend the other day said that we were only things we chose to be. for instance, a single mother is only a single mother if she chooses to be a single mother. but a single mother isn't not a single mother just cause she decides. if she is single, and a mother, then she is a single mother whether she likes it or not.
but this brings forth all kinds of arguments regarding humanity and our freedom, especially within thinks like gender. a person can have the qualities of a male but not consider themselves male and therefore not be male, but i think our definitions are just as much cultural as they are personal. thats why we're always trying to figure out which aspects of our lives are inherent and which are social constructs so that we can reject whatever we've decided is in fact a social construct because for some reason being constructed by society makes a concept illegitimate or optional. in reality we always have options and choices, but in reality that won't mean we can live that way.
but to the question "is it inherent or socially constructed?" i say "yes" because society in itself is inherent. like the systems of a body, each system working within and separate from the other systems. in the land of nature vs. nurture i'm very nurture heavy.
and thats the thing, i think at its core, our obsession with finding ourselves is an attempt to be nature without nurture, but thats asking green to become blue when yellow is a permanent fixture in its being. we're all green.
"but what shade of green? can we be another secondary color like purple?!"
no. i'm stopping the metaphor there! so don't do it. just don't.
this blog went way farther than i thought it would when i started.