Friday, December 20, 2013

I have a God who loves me...

so today i got a bonus from work in the form of a fifty dollar gift card. i have no idea what i want to spend it on.

i thought of the following

something practical
-phone bill

something special
-new clothes
-new jewelry

something humanitarian
-fair trade
-charity support merchandise

if i could find something that encompassed all three of these categories that would make some sense.  i considered new toms since i have been wanting some and my old pair are essentially dead, i have considered just thrifting.  i have considered finding something fair trade online. (although i have to be honest, the overall aesthetic of fair trade is not exactly my style, despite the fact that i am willing to dedicate my life to making it work)

so i started trying to think of things i wanted or actually felt like getting and for some reason i couldn't really think of anything.  besides toms, but i don't really want to spend all of that on toms.

my point is that whenever i thought about "what i want" it turned into something that i needed to do at home.  i need to get rid of most of my clothes because i either don't wear them or they don't fit or both.  i need to lose weight because its unhealthy to be 250 pounds and 5'6''.  i need to start the paperwork for the peace corps.  i need to figure out how to get over this anxiety thing, despite having been better lately since the move, i still struggle with.  

but what i realize is that i am tired.  its late.  i keep forgetting to go home. (seriously i meant to get up and go like two hours ago and i justkeep not doing it.)  i've had a big day and tomorrow i've got stuff to do and the next day and the next day and really what i just need to do is go home and go to bed and think about it later when i'm rested.  because when i get tired, i get depressed, because i'm left to my own devices and i can't stop thinking about the things in my life that need changing, and how bad i am at changing them.

i'm using all the mantras over and over that have helped me in the past.

things like:

I have a God who loves me and that is enough.

this one helps when i feel like the struggles set before me are too big for me to manage.  i realize God is taking care of me so the future is essentially taken care of.



i've had other mantras and now i can't think of them at all.  which i am going to decide means i just need to keep saying
I have a God who loves me and that is enough.

OH! or...

It doesn't matter who I am because of who He is.

this helps when my sense of identity comes into disarray.  or when i just can't stand how much of myself i dislike and want to alter.  i'm not smart, pretty, talented, or interesting enough.

and then there is...

the potential to smile in the future is reason to smile now.

this is just for when i can't see my own sadness.  i realized that reality is a series of ups and downs and if i'm in a down that means there will come another up eventually.  i may not be able to conceive of what it could be or be like, but i know it will come and the promise of something nice in the future is a nice thing to smile about in itself.

and if all else fails.  i'll eat a cookie.

so no.  i have no idea what i am going to spend this fifty dollars on.  but i don't have to make these decisions right now.  

i just need to get off this freaking computer, and drive home, and go to sleep.

that is enough...

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