Tuesday, July 17, 2012


i'm at this point in my life where i only want to wear sweatpants all the time forever

i don't see this as a good thing.

first of all, i have htis job now, where while there isn't an official dress code, i have to look some level of "professional"

secondly, i have difficulty with my self esteem to start with, the last thing i need is to stop caring about my appearance

and finally, closely related to the second point, this is quite reminiscent of how i used to act when i was a kid and crazy depressed.  thats a part of my life i want to stay gone forever, and the idea of it creeping back on me is unsettling.

"so sara, whats the big deal, just put on some not sweatpants and get on with your life"

its not. that. simple.

the desire to only wear sweatpants will not just go away with a cute outfit.  this is a symptom of something else.  something deeper.

i feel trapped anymore.

its pretty rough right now. ihave this constant voice in my head telling me everything i'm doing wrong and everything i need to do and won't get done and there is no ending in sight.  and i have another voice telling me that i'm being irrational.  that i'm very blessed to be in the position i am in.  that everyone has to work hard and go through these periods of doing seomthing else so that in the long run they can do what they really love. 

but i think both of these voices are wrong.  at least in their attitudes if not their words.

i'm frustrated with all of this.  some moments it feels like there is utterly no prospect of getting any better, and other moments i see clearly that there is a simple solution, and i have to just be patient.

but i'm reaching the end of my rope with patience here. there are a handful of situations i've been in in my life that i have known clearly that it was not only where i was supposed to be but i knew exactly what i was doing.  i fit.  and i'm scratching my head as to why i'm just not putting mysel fin those situations constantly and what i'm doing here.

i make these lists...

when i get really anxious and i start to panic and don't know what to do, i make these lists involving whatever it is im freaking out about so that i feel in control.  thats the only purpose they really serve.  i never follow the lists.  i forget aobut them or something.  but justmaking them gives me this illusion of being in control or at the very least like i'm not spinning out of control. 
the lists might just be of all the things i need to do that are swirling about in my brain, or it might be a list of things i want to ask somebody or a lists of things i need to get at the store.  they are always lists of things that i'm not so much afraid i'll forget, but that i am so irreversably aware of their existence, i have to pluck them from the air above my head and minimize them to a bit of paper.

i could rant for longer but i'm very tired, and sleep will allow me to not think about anything for a few hours.

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