i don't like this part of the day. i'm so tired, and i get so anxious and depressed. and i don't want to go to bed because i know it will mean having to wake up again and face all the things i don't feel up to handling. most nights its like this. and i have to put so much effort into ridding myself of it now because it has the potential to carry over into the morning, and i hate waking up how i went to sleep. the biggest mistake is surrendering to the lurking notion that there is no end to this, and no hope of change. two of the biggest comforts in my life is that it is both natural for it to end and to change. we are never stuck forever. no matter how bad it can get there is always a way out, either through natural change, or through death. that might be morbid or seem pessimistic to you but i mean it whole heartedly. as i've send before, ends are inevitable but really its beginnings that require a choice.
i thought earlier for some reason that i wished my life were more like the after picture, rather than the before picture. you know the one i'm talking about, the one where the person is happier and thinner and for some reason has whiter teeth. then i thought that its possible that i'd be the before picture for the rest of my life. then it occured to me that that just might be how its meant to be. we are all in our before pictures, and God is working in us to create the after picture which we will never see in this lifetime.
it would be easy to say that in heaven we'll all look like super models and live in pinterest decorated mansions, and always be on time, and never get humiliated again, and no one will ever feel alone or forgotten or like they have to compete with the rest of the world. but i think this cheapens paradise. even what is considered perfection on earth has to be extremely flawed when compared to eternity with the creator.
but i digress from the topic of how i feel right now, and that is like there is no end, just monotonous mornings and evenings.
life takes crazy turns we don't expect, and i may not get the life i want, but i won't believe for a second that its going to be a life i'm unhappy with . that is for certain.
how i feel right now is not reality, or it is if you consider reality to be whatever meaning we ascribe to the physical realm. so i guess it is if this is the meaning i ascribe to it. however my meanings are my choice in that matter. therefore i choose that this is not the meaning.
i really just need to go to bed.