Thursday, July 26, 2012

night time ramblings

Let me preface this with saying that i have not been sticking to my praying schedule this week.

i prayed once today

there are things i know i need.  things like add medication and possibly treatment for my anxiety.
i am aware that these chemical imbalances in my brain alter my perception of reality just enough for me to be aware of the problems i face, but incapable of fixing them on my own.

then the contradictory voice begins in my brain.

it says "no one can do it on their own, you're not special in this. therefore this is not an excuse for you, because everyone else seems to be doing fine.  why can't you?"

i recognize the paradox in this statement.  no one can do it on their own because of life obstacles yet they somehow do it anyway?  and i'm the only one who apparently lets my own inability to do "it" on my own get the better of me?

that doesn't stop it from being said.

like there is something the entire world has that i don't.  like there is something that gives them the ability to succeed or whatever. not even succeed.  to be happy.

then there is this other voice, that's all like "no one is happy."

yet everyone is happy but me, even though no one is.

essentially what it all comes down to is this weird idea that i face no more or less than any other human being in life and therefore should be capable of overcoming what i face, but am currently incapable, and therefore currently inferior in every way to the rest of human kind.

this my friend, is what we call a bad box.  i won't go into what triggerd it.  part of it is the time of day.  i know its at night when i begin to get depressed about my life.  which is so stupid to me right now.  i'm so mad about all of this.  it was all supposed to be better by now!  i was fighting all of this anxiety about school and i wanted it to be done and then school ended and this was supposed to be when i would finally be allowed to begin something special, something different, something new.  and even though i knew it was going to be scary and hard it was still going to be great, because if i am sure of anything in this world it is that God is the giver of scary and hard and great lives.

but its not scary and hard and great.  its just not anything.  i feel so stuck.  i'm in a situation that by all logic should be the best for me and its the worst.  and i don't know how to change it.  because of promises i've made to myself or i feel i've made to  other people i have to stay where i am but i don't know if thats really what i should be doing.  but even if i'm sure of what i shouldn't be doing i have no idea what i should be doing in its stead.

one of the most beautiful pieces of advice i've heard more than once is "when you don't know what it is that God wants you to do, focus on who God wants you to be."  thats what i was thinking about this morning.  as opposed to yesterday morning where i was thinking "i bet the peace corps would be a good move."


so i think, what is it about "who" i am that needs altering.  the only thing i can think of really at this time is my perspective which is kind of how i got on this train of thought to start with. 

what i want more than anything right now is for my mind to not be focused on me.  let it not be about me.  let it be about everyone else but me.

but right now i'm tired, and i'm burned out.  i'm continually being used by this world and not giving myself the time to fill myself again. 

i'm trying to figure out when my insecurities became anxieties.  when my boredom became emptiness,  when ...

 it feels like either i did something wrong to cause these issues which means its  my fault which makes me feel worse, or its the worlds fault which means there is nothing i can do about it.

and there i am acting like i'm alone in this, like i don't have a savior who loves me, whom i have not been talking to lately as i promised.

i've got this list in my heart characteristics i feel i should have.  its not one that i've published on this blog or any other.  i've made lists of goals and dreams before but this list is almost more shallow.  this is the if i were to be able to rewrite my personality and pick any set of looks that i wanted sort of list.  it doesn't feel like i'm compromising who i am to try to achieve this list but i'm definitely compromising who God is.  when we reach for standards set by the world or based upon our own understanding and not by that of God's then we completely undermine everything he's said or done for us.  how can i stand and claim Jesus as Lord and then turn around and follow the world like an injured puppy.  in truth its not that i want grace.  i don't want forgivness for who or what i am.  i want to be changed, i wante to be fixed. 

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