So, I've been struggling with this sort of depression thing all week. There are moment when I feel its on the mend but it turns itself around. What really disturbs me about it is that I'm having trouble pinpointing the why of it. I'm not one to commonly have difficulty finding the root of my feelings. It's one of the reasons that I don't stay mad at anyone for very long, one of the reasons why I come to the decisions that I make. Even though I can be indecisive its because I look at all the options but take the time to figure my feelings in a situation out. And yes, I over analyze practically everything.
So when it comes to this funk i've been in, for lack of a better term, it would be super easy to blame stress, senioritis, health issues, lack of sleep, or maybe I'm holding onto something in my heart that I shouldn't be. There are many factors in my life that could lead to these emotions but for some reason none of them seem to fit right, and I don't believe it to be all of them at once. Its perplexing.
I've been short with people this weekend. I don't normally do that. So if i've been short with you lately, i apologize and shall try to be taller.
So I find myself at the old blog again which was always a place where I could work out whatever the heck it was that was on my mind. Its the next best thing to talking out loud for me. And quite frankly I'm much too in the mood for no talking.
So there are two kinds of meaning to me. You can disagree with this, many do, philosophers argue about it, but this is what I see. The first kind of meaning is what we give to it. This is what we often mistake in our minds as "deeper meaning" when say reading literature or studying art. I think the artist was thinking one thing, and the audience another, and basically the meaning of all matter around us winds up to be some sort of projection. It's like my mother says in response to how people treat one another. "People typically expect others to do what they themselves would do." That's why some people feel completely justified in talking about others behind their backs, because in their mind, those people of whom they speak are doing exactly the same thing. So when people talk about social networking about being more than just a network but about individuals trying to define themselves, or trying to present a picture of themselves out into the world to be seen a certain way and those pictures may or may not be "accurate." It is then that we are projecting another layer of meaning onto the whole social networking phenomenon. A meaning that if you were to ask me I would say were most likely a result of the invention of social networking, and not the cause. Because you see first people networked, and then they projected meaning onto that.
The second type of meaning would be the more controversial of the statements, and comes from the fact that i'm theistic, and that is the meaning God ascribes to everything. Now here's the thing, that meaning is actually the first kind. If we are to see God as creator then any meaning he gives is meaning he projects, just as we project meaning. The only difference is he is God and we are not and that means that his meaning is the only meaning that really...well...matters.
I can say that a job opportunity has meaning for me because it is a representation of my dreams and aspirations, but its true meaning is however it fits into God's plan for my life.
And just because I say plan does not mean I mean destiny. I don't believe in destiny, and I don't believe in fate, I believe in choices. I believe in right choices and wrong choices. I believe that God ascribes meaning to the horrors of our life because he is gracious, and does not create horrors in our life because of meaning.
So what makes me so unbelievabley frustrated is when I am so influenced in my emotions and my perspectives because of CHEMICALS.
And I wonder if I can't think of an emotional or situational reason why I've been so down (even though there are many emotions and situations that could push me into such a state) I imagine it has something to do with some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain. And that frustrates me. A lot.
So whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes, I stand on Mt. Crumpet hating the who's.
I think I have senioritis and its worse because of brain chemistry. Lack of dopamine and all with the attention deficit and the unhealthy lifestyle of a college student. Dehydration, high carb low vitamin diet, and ignoring health issues for way too long because it would be just too complicated and time consuming to look into them.
So if it's God it will work out because he is bigger than my life, and if its chemicals I suppose i'll figure that out too, and if its any circumstances then i should stop projecting meaning and snap out of it.
It's like when you're a kid and your parents are telling you to finish your food, and you don't want to, and by now whatever distateful meal thats in front of you is cold too and beginning to congeal but you have to finish it bite after bite at a time and every single one of those bites is an eternity but you have no choice but to keeping going. And meals do end sometime.
Every last bite of this meal is making me gag but I have no choice but to keep eating.
And I have a very long running list of how my life will change for the better when this mess is all over.
Because it will be better, and it will be over. Sooner than I feel, but eternity never feels soon.