I remember being at a youth conference in high school, and the speaker of the evening Jason French had all of us in the room stand. I believe this was in Adrian, Michigan. Now when I say all of us, I mean there were at least six hundred students in that room, plus youth leaders and ministers. This was a large amount of people.
He was talking about faith, and I don't remember his exact point at the time, but i remember distinctly this example. He had us sit back down, section by section, until only a quarter of us were standing still. Then he told us in all earnestness that this was the amount of us who would statistically still be believers after college...
1..in 4...
Three out of four students leave their faith in college. The numbers may vary by region, or be skewed by school. But for the most part I believe these numbers are accurate. Of the first four student leaders in my youth group I was the only one that didn't leave the church at some point.
It's very lonley being in that situation, following a faith when your peers fall away, combatting the attitude that living in the world and doing all the things that everyone else does is "not a big deal" yet still important enough that it should be pursued.
The theory I've heard most often as to why we lose so many at this age is because we aren't properly equipping them as teens or children to stay grounded in the faith. We aren't teaching them the right verses, or the right answers to give when someone asks them or something. We take it as a personal failure onto ourselves.
Then others say that college age people are for the first time "thinking for themselves," and therefore are experimenting and cultivating different avenues of thought and that is what takes them away.
However I have another idea in my mind as to what it is, and its not dissimilar from these notions, but is slightly different in that it isn't a "college aged" problem, its a people problem.
It's not about freedom, or preparedness. It's about control.
What caused me to think this is something else I was thinking about in my own life. I'm feeling frustrated at the moment. I feel like I'm not serving adequately or enough or something. When looking over my life and asking "what is it that has made living about me more than about others?" I figured out that before when I was in high school I was completely reliant upon my parents and therefore didn't have to worry about myself, how i ate, or how i got what i needed. Trusting my entire existence to my parents was natural and easy, and since I didn't have to worry about the things that I needed, I could put my attentions onto what others' needed.
When you get to college age, you're suddenly responsible for yourself in ways you haven't been before. Obviously some moreso than others, but the every day needs you always had which were pushed to the back of your mind are pulled back into the front of your mind and you realize "I can't do this for soandso, I've got things to do."
I genuinly don't think its the freedom thing or the equipping thing. Its the responsibility thing.
And ultimately, this in itself is a failure in faith, because we should be trusting our entire existence upon Gods provision. It is in doing this that we free our hands to do his work. Obviously this is easier said than done, but that is just another trick of the world when you think about it. We're tricked into believing that it is a selfish thing to not take care of our own needs, when really this is the very thing that God instructs us to do, meanwhile also instructing us to take care of each other.
The one thing I've noticed in common with anyone who has walked away from the church is that they made choices indicating they were living for themselves and no one else, and the world was justifying that choice.
It's not just the big things like food and clothing and service its the little things too. Things like being slow to anger, (which his actually a big one to me) asking others how they're doing and meaning it, or planning your life around your ministry, not your ministry around your life.
I think college kids forget that there is someone taking care of them.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
God's timing...
So yesterday was very hot...
It was three thirty in the afternoon. I had just spent a long hot day at the European market in Chesterton, and after packing everything into the van I had finally left. Having only one dollar left in my wallet, my brother being the dear sibling he is offered to buy me a cold bottle of water which I needed badly.
Then I dropped him off and was on my way back to the store to unpack the van. But on my way I spotted a homeless man, trudging on the sidewalk, clutching a paper cup which I could only assume was water on such a hot day. But I could not assume the water was cold, or was enough.
I had the impulse to buy the man a cold bottle of water, and I took it, knowing that if I thought it through too much I would rabbit out and then feel guilty later. I couldn't give this guy a home, or new clothes, or even food. I didn't have any of those things. All I had was my dollar, and some change, that I hoped I would be able to buy a bottle of water with.
So I turned on my signal to go left into the 7-Eleven, and of course was stopped by a stream of oncoming traffick. At first I was annoyed at this, but the thought suddenly entered into my brain "God's timing." I realized that the man was walking, and going much slower than I had been going in my van. It was very likely that I would be able to buy the water, and turn back down the road to give it to him before he passed where I was.
So I just kept saying it to myself. "Gods timing, God's timing, God's timing..." over and over, and letting myself take the time the task needed, and not getting rushed and flustered. I was able to buy a bottle of water, and go back, but I could not find the man at all.
This was confusing to me.
Let's backpedal a bit. The reason why I followed this impulse is because I felt that it had come from God. Never have I followed an impulse like this and regretted it. When God puts these ideas into my head and I follow through with them I very often see that I did exactly what I was supposed to. I've also been on the receiving end of these impulses. There have been times in my life when someone I barely knew at all or even a complete stranger looked me straight in the eye and told me God was with me when I was going through a rough time, and giving me insight incredibly pertinent to whatever it was I was going through at the time. These aren't normal impulses like bursting into song or buying ice cream. These are calls to move.
So when I bought the water it was confusing to me as to why its intended was no where to be found. But I still had to work, and chose not to dwell too much on it. I had stopped repeating "God's timing" to myself.
I brought the bottle into the store with me, as I didn't want it to get warm in my van outside. It sat on my desk for a time, and then having decided that even though I had already had a bottle of water, and was then at a location where I had running water at my disposal, I would go ahead and drink the bottle I had just bought for the homeless man in the heat. I was still dehydrated after all, and I hadn't been able to find him, so it made sense.
Then I got off work, and went to Aldi to pick up some snacks with my brothers card for the gaming session I was having with my friends that night. Rushing out of the parking lot I once again spotted the homeless man. But this time I had no water, and no more dollar. Only my brother's credit card, and no permission to buy a bottle of water with it.
It didn't make sense that I saw the man there. When I had seen him before, he had been walking Westward towards downtown. He was now on the East side of town, literally in the opposite direction I had seen him going.
The thing is though, I had been so keen before to stay patient and trust in God's timing. I truly believed when buying the water that I would be able to get the water to that man, and I didn't have to worry about traffick or check out lines impeding me, because this was a Spirit impulse.
But this act of Jesus for some reason still had ramifications for me. Even though I was "trusting" in God's timing, I expected to give the water at a certain place, at a certain time. And when that time and place passed I gave up. I drank the water myself, even though I had already had water, and had access to clean cold water for free where I was.
I don't think God sacrificed this man's need for my lesson. He had a cup already, I have no doubt God was providing this man with water. But God was still reminding me of his timing.
I/We do this in life all the time. We see a need in our lives and say we trust that God will provide, then get discouraged when God doesn't fulfill the need at the exact time, and in the exact way that we think he should. The best example I can think of is how my family has been wanting to move out of the Demotte area for the last four years. The problem is that we're stuck here. We can't afford the cost of a move, and can barely afford the place we live in now. My mother keeps saying "When God provides a way we'll move." But I've been getting frustrated with this, with God, and chomping at the bit. "No!" I think, "We need to move now!"
But moving, just like many things in life, is like a bottle of water you buy for a homeless man. All He asked me to do was buy the water, then go about my business. God was choosing the when and the where, and he in his superior knowledge would have his reasons. Just like conditional love isn't actually love, conditional faith isn't acutally faith either. If we believe in God's provision, then we believe in His timing as well.
So hold on to your bottle of water for as long as it takes, because God will let you share it when its time.
It was three thirty in the afternoon. I had just spent a long hot day at the European market in Chesterton, and after packing everything into the van I had finally left. Having only one dollar left in my wallet, my brother being the dear sibling he is offered to buy me a cold bottle of water which I needed badly.
Then I dropped him off and was on my way back to the store to unpack the van. But on my way I spotted a homeless man, trudging on the sidewalk, clutching a paper cup which I could only assume was water on such a hot day. But I could not assume the water was cold, or was enough.
I had the impulse to buy the man a cold bottle of water, and I took it, knowing that if I thought it through too much I would rabbit out and then feel guilty later. I couldn't give this guy a home, or new clothes, or even food. I didn't have any of those things. All I had was my dollar, and some change, that I hoped I would be able to buy a bottle of water with.
So I turned on my signal to go left into the 7-Eleven, and of course was stopped by a stream of oncoming traffick. At first I was annoyed at this, but the thought suddenly entered into my brain "God's timing." I realized that the man was walking, and going much slower than I had been going in my van. It was very likely that I would be able to buy the water, and turn back down the road to give it to him before he passed where I was.
So I just kept saying it to myself. "Gods timing, God's timing, God's timing..." over and over, and letting myself take the time the task needed, and not getting rushed and flustered. I was able to buy a bottle of water, and go back, but I could not find the man at all.
This was confusing to me.
Let's backpedal a bit. The reason why I followed this impulse is because I felt that it had come from God. Never have I followed an impulse like this and regretted it. When God puts these ideas into my head and I follow through with them I very often see that I did exactly what I was supposed to. I've also been on the receiving end of these impulses. There have been times in my life when someone I barely knew at all or even a complete stranger looked me straight in the eye and told me God was with me when I was going through a rough time, and giving me insight incredibly pertinent to whatever it was I was going through at the time. These aren't normal impulses like bursting into song or buying ice cream. These are calls to move.
So when I bought the water it was confusing to me as to why its intended was no where to be found. But I still had to work, and chose not to dwell too much on it. I had stopped repeating "God's timing" to myself.
I brought the bottle into the store with me, as I didn't want it to get warm in my van outside. It sat on my desk for a time, and then having decided that even though I had already had a bottle of water, and was then at a location where I had running water at my disposal, I would go ahead and drink the bottle I had just bought for the homeless man in the heat. I was still dehydrated after all, and I hadn't been able to find him, so it made sense.
Then I got off work, and went to Aldi to pick up some snacks with my brothers card for the gaming session I was having with my friends that night. Rushing out of the parking lot I once again spotted the homeless man. But this time I had no water, and no more dollar. Only my brother's credit card, and no permission to buy a bottle of water with it.
It didn't make sense that I saw the man there. When I had seen him before, he had been walking Westward towards downtown. He was now on the East side of town, literally in the opposite direction I had seen him going.
The thing is though, I had been so keen before to stay patient and trust in God's timing. I truly believed when buying the water that I would be able to get the water to that man, and I didn't have to worry about traffick or check out lines impeding me, because this was a Spirit impulse.
But this act of Jesus for some reason still had ramifications for me. Even though I was "trusting" in God's timing, I expected to give the water at a certain place, at a certain time. And when that time and place passed I gave up. I drank the water myself, even though I had already had water, and had access to clean cold water for free where I was.
I don't think God sacrificed this man's need for my lesson. He had a cup already, I have no doubt God was providing this man with water. But God was still reminding me of his timing.
I/We do this in life all the time. We see a need in our lives and say we trust that God will provide, then get discouraged when God doesn't fulfill the need at the exact time, and in the exact way that we think he should. The best example I can think of is how my family has been wanting to move out of the Demotte area for the last four years. The problem is that we're stuck here. We can't afford the cost of a move, and can barely afford the place we live in now. My mother keeps saying "When God provides a way we'll move." But I've been getting frustrated with this, with God, and chomping at the bit. "No!" I think, "We need to move now!"
But moving, just like many things in life, is like a bottle of water you buy for a homeless man. All He asked me to do was buy the water, then go about my business. God was choosing the when and the where, and he in his superior knowledge would have his reasons. Just like conditional love isn't actually love, conditional faith isn't acutally faith either. If we believe in God's provision, then we believe in His timing as well.
So hold on to your bottle of water for as long as it takes, because God will let you share it when its time.
Monday, June 4, 2012
plans A-Z
its the stress!
you offer cigarettes
just how is sucking poison supposed to make me feel better?
first its smoking
then its choking
and then its rigour which is the tensest kind of tense.
and the drinks
they make me tired
which makes me want to stay awake
because as soon as i lie down
the shorter it will take
for me to wake up
and have to face the world again.
but sleep is what i need
more than anyone or anything
because if there's one place i can forget
its where my head meets my bed
but if i forget then i'll have to remember
because the spark will remain, the memories ember.
and when i've hit the last snooze and my eyes open
i'll have to find a conscious method of coping
and so my neck will feel this pain
my mind will buzz
motivation will wane
i will eat more
and over sleep
i'll snap, i'll grump, i'll sigh, i'll weep
but i will still get up
and brush my teeth
i'll pick out clothes that make me look thinner
wash my face, pack my dinner
and another day will be gotten through
so there is just one thing left to do.
"Oh God I can't make it without you.
You know I need this confidence boost.
I'm sorry I've doubted your truth
that love and compassion will always pull through.
I'm sorry I listen to the standards of the world
please turn me into a better girl.
Stand by my side, don't leave my mind
whisper in my ear that it will be alright.
Because you are God and you are good'
though i don't always do as I should
inspire me today
let this tension melt away
give me that bit of release
give my mind peace."
why smoke, drink, sleep, or eat, when you can pray...
you offer cigarettes
just how is sucking poison supposed to make me feel better?
first its smoking
then its choking
and then its rigour which is the tensest kind of tense.
and the drinks
they make me tired
which makes me want to stay awake
because as soon as i lie down
the shorter it will take
for me to wake up
and have to face the world again.
but sleep is what i need
more than anyone or anything
because if there's one place i can forget
its where my head meets my bed
but if i forget then i'll have to remember
because the spark will remain, the memories ember.
and when i've hit the last snooze and my eyes open
i'll have to find a conscious method of coping
and so my neck will feel this pain
my mind will buzz
motivation will wane
i will eat more
and over sleep
i'll snap, i'll grump, i'll sigh, i'll weep
but i will still get up
and brush my teeth
i'll pick out clothes that make me look thinner
wash my face, pack my dinner
and another day will be gotten through
so there is just one thing left to do.
"Oh God I can't make it without you.
You know I need this confidence boost.
I'm sorry I've doubted your truth
that love and compassion will always pull through.
I'm sorry I listen to the standards of the world
please turn me into a better girl.
Stand by my side, don't leave my mind
whisper in my ear that it will be alright.
Because you are God and you are good'
though i don't always do as I should
inspire me today
let this tension melt away
give me that bit of release
give my mind peace."
why smoke, drink, sleep, or eat, when you can pray...
Monday, May 21, 2012
HOBBIES HOBBIES HOBBIES
Now that college is over, my time is to be reorganized.
Let's break this down.
There are approximately 168 hours in a week. (Assuming I just did the math in my head correctly. I am a bachelor of ARTS after all. math almost failed me.)
40 hours a week of work is whats been deemed humane, but lets be reasonable here. I'm going to be working non-profit, and probably and extra job on the side just to keep the bills paid. So lets be nice and say 50 hours a week for work.
Ideally I would like to spend 15-20 hours at church. Let's say 20.
Now the world says I need eight hours of sleep a night, so six nights a week thats 48 hours.
168-118= 50 hours a week. My daily commute round trip is approximately 80 minutes, or an hour 20. Times seven thats nine hours and twenty minutes.
So i have 40 hours and 40 minutes of free time that would have previously been mostly dedicated to either the doing of homework, or the stressing about homework if i wasn't doing it. A full time jobs worth of worrying and stressing.
I plan on losing my college weight, ya'll.
I'm going to read more books. Starting with more Terry Prachett.
It's been too long since I've picked up my clarinet.
And there's a couple of other instruments i've been iching to learn.
Ladies and gentlemen. I give you...FREE TIME.
Let's break this down.
There are approximately 168 hours in a week. (Assuming I just did the math in my head correctly. I am a bachelor of ARTS after all. math almost failed me.)
40 hours a week of work is whats been deemed humane, but lets be reasonable here. I'm going to be working non-profit, and probably and extra job on the side just to keep the bills paid. So lets be nice and say 50 hours a week for work.
Ideally I would like to spend 15-20 hours at church. Let's say 20.
Now the world says I need eight hours of sleep a night, so six nights a week thats 48 hours.
168-118= 50 hours a week. My daily commute round trip is approximately 80 minutes, or an hour 20. Times seven thats nine hours and twenty minutes.
So i have 40 hours and 40 minutes of free time that would have previously been mostly dedicated to either the doing of homework, or the stressing about homework if i wasn't doing it. A full time jobs worth of worrying and stressing.
I plan on losing my college weight, ya'll.
I'm going to read more books. Starting with more Terry Prachett.
It's been too long since I've picked up my clarinet.
And there's a couple of other instruments i've been iching to learn.
Ladies and gentlemen. I give you...FREE TIME.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
My new mantra.
You can't stop change.
You can stop progress. You can stop growth. You can direct and redirect the course of your life. But the course will always continue. You cannot stop change.
I believe that we never wake up the same person we were yesterday. Something was learned the day before that has since been processed in our sleep. Some food was consumed that added nutrients or protein that hadn't been there, and it has since been metabolized. Anyone who has lived past the age of five has got to have figured out that things can be completely different in an instant. One day you will come home from school and find out that you're moving, or your mother's expecting, or someone is sick, or someone got a job, or someone lost a job.
I see change as I do many things, as being ultimately neutral. Obviously there are good and bad changes. It would be oblivious of me to believe that some changes were not positive or negative. But what I mean is that we always have some kind of choice to make when we're approached by change. It's not just the change that will be positive or negative, but our response to it. I also see change as being neutral because of this innate sense I have of it all just evening out. As if just as many bad things will happen as good things. I have no proof of this, nothing scriptural or scientific. It's just sort of the way I've always seen things. It's also made me kind of nervous whenever something really good happens to me, as if something bad is waiting around the corner to even the score. My life has never been like that. It's never been that something awesome has happend and then almost immediately something terrible. So I don't know why I even have this idea in my head. But I think it is all just the basic knowledge that good and bad things will happen to everybody. And because change is inevitable, both good and bad, I see it as neutral. Time is neutral, and change is synonymous with time.
People say they don't like change. At least I've never heard a person say "I love change." I don't think that people actually don't like change, I just think that they don't like knowing change is happening. When change happens slowly and gradually people accept it and even enjoy it. Change such as the sun setting, or flowers blooming, or something like that. When a big change happens in their life, so long as they don't think about it in terms of how their life will never again be "the same" they are more often than not excited, maybe nervous, but not upset.
So long as people don't realize change is happening they're excited. People are perfectly content letting the world rise and fall, deteriorate and rebuild around them. We are completely self-centered (and I can't imagine how we could be otherwise) and so long as we don't have to lift a finger and it doesn't really change our routine we're fine with change.
I guess I'm musing over time and change in this existentialistic manner because there are a lot of changes happening with me right now. Graduation obviously, but other things as well. And I am having this inner war with myself constantly anymore. I'm being tossed around inside my own head between opinions and feelings about the whole thing. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if this is anxiety, or I'm just tired, or what. It annoys me that the only possible causes I can think of are chemical. But I can't think of why I would actually be feeling this way.
It's just a lot at once. I'm ascribing meaning to everything. There is suddenly symbolism in the skies and I've never thought that way before, or if I have it was never so relevant. (BTW, symbolism in the skies is the name of my next skoth band.)
If there is any kind of conclusion I am attempting to lean to it is that there are a lot of changes happening in my life right now and I'm freaking out a little. In the morning I face it wearily, in the afternoons I force optimism upon myself, in the evenings I go home somewhat satisfied, and then at night I start to freak out. Maybe I should just go to bed earlier.
I said last night in a phone conversation with a friend that the knowledge that we would smile again someday was enough reason to smile now. I believe that in my mind but still can' t muster the feeling in my heart. Still I remember getting this weird depression when I was graduating high school too, as if there was no more point to life anymore. But doesn't that make sense, from a mental perspective I mean? New beginnings are a choice. Ending's not so much. Things will always end at some point, but for things to begin there has to be a choice, a spark, or something. Someone has to make the decision to move forward, otherwise whatever change occurs (because change will occur) will be less like the budding of a plant and more like the molding of a fungus. But doesn't it make sense like to feel it's all over once everything you've been working for for years is finished?
I am finished. And now I have to make the choice to get started. Because otherwise I'll just sit here and mold.
I have to believe that once I get going I'll gain momentum. I have to believe that I'll smile again even though all the things that have made me smile have the potential to fade away from my life. The potential to smile in the future is enough of a reason to smile now. The potential for a cultivated life in the future is reason enough to start one.
And suddenly like a caress to the mind I remember a piece of scripture that has become quite important to me this past year.
Philippians 1:6
"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
God isn't finished with me yet. He's still working in me and cultivating me no matter what. Change is inevitable because it is His hand that propels the stars. And what new beginnings I have to offer no matter how nerve racking they may be will usher in new joys, and the potential to smile tomorrow is reason enough to smile today.
You can stop progress. You can stop growth. You can direct and redirect the course of your life. But the course will always continue. You cannot stop change.
I believe that we never wake up the same person we were yesterday. Something was learned the day before that has since been processed in our sleep. Some food was consumed that added nutrients or protein that hadn't been there, and it has since been metabolized. Anyone who has lived past the age of five has got to have figured out that things can be completely different in an instant. One day you will come home from school and find out that you're moving, or your mother's expecting, or someone is sick, or someone got a job, or someone lost a job.
I see change as I do many things, as being ultimately neutral. Obviously there are good and bad changes. It would be oblivious of me to believe that some changes were not positive or negative. But what I mean is that we always have some kind of choice to make when we're approached by change. It's not just the change that will be positive or negative, but our response to it. I also see change as being neutral because of this innate sense I have of it all just evening out. As if just as many bad things will happen as good things. I have no proof of this, nothing scriptural or scientific. It's just sort of the way I've always seen things. It's also made me kind of nervous whenever something really good happens to me, as if something bad is waiting around the corner to even the score. My life has never been like that. It's never been that something awesome has happend and then almost immediately something terrible. So I don't know why I even have this idea in my head. But I think it is all just the basic knowledge that good and bad things will happen to everybody. And because change is inevitable, both good and bad, I see it as neutral. Time is neutral, and change is synonymous with time.
People say they don't like change. At least I've never heard a person say "I love change." I don't think that people actually don't like change, I just think that they don't like knowing change is happening. When change happens slowly and gradually people accept it and even enjoy it. Change such as the sun setting, or flowers blooming, or something like that. When a big change happens in their life, so long as they don't think about it in terms of how their life will never again be "the same" they are more often than not excited, maybe nervous, but not upset.
So long as people don't realize change is happening they're excited. People are perfectly content letting the world rise and fall, deteriorate and rebuild around them. We are completely self-centered (and I can't imagine how we could be otherwise) and so long as we don't have to lift a finger and it doesn't really change our routine we're fine with change.
I guess I'm musing over time and change in this existentialistic manner because there are a lot of changes happening with me right now. Graduation obviously, but other things as well. And I am having this inner war with myself constantly anymore. I'm being tossed around inside my own head between opinions and feelings about the whole thing. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if this is anxiety, or I'm just tired, or what. It annoys me that the only possible causes I can think of are chemical. But I can't think of why I would actually be feeling this way.
It's just a lot at once. I'm ascribing meaning to everything. There is suddenly symbolism in the skies and I've never thought that way before, or if I have it was never so relevant. (BTW, symbolism in the skies is the name of my next skoth band.)
If there is any kind of conclusion I am attempting to lean to it is that there are a lot of changes happening in my life right now and I'm freaking out a little. In the morning I face it wearily, in the afternoons I force optimism upon myself, in the evenings I go home somewhat satisfied, and then at night I start to freak out. Maybe I should just go to bed earlier.
I said last night in a phone conversation with a friend that the knowledge that we would smile again someday was enough reason to smile now. I believe that in my mind but still can' t muster the feeling in my heart. Still I remember getting this weird depression when I was graduating high school too, as if there was no more point to life anymore. But doesn't that make sense, from a mental perspective I mean? New beginnings are a choice. Ending's not so much. Things will always end at some point, but for things to begin there has to be a choice, a spark, or something. Someone has to make the decision to move forward, otherwise whatever change occurs (because change will occur) will be less like the budding of a plant and more like the molding of a fungus. But doesn't it make sense like to feel it's all over once everything you've been working for for years is finished?
I am finished. And now I have to make the choice to get started. Because otherwise I'll just sit here and mold.
I have to believe that once I get going I'll gain momentum. I have to believe that I'll smile again even though all the things that have made me smile have the potential to fade away from my life. The potential to smile in the future is enough of a reason to smile now. The potential for a cultivated life in the future is reason enough to start one.
And suddenly like a caress to the mind I remember a piece of scripture that has become quite important to me this past year.
Philippians 1:6
"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
God isn't finished with me yet. He's still working in me and cultivating me no matter what. Change is inevitable because it is His hand that propels the stars. And what new beginnings I have to offer no matter how nerve racking they may be will usher in new joys, and the potential to smile tomorrow is reason enough to smile today.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
So, I've been struggling with this sort of depression thing all week. There are moment when I feel its on the mend but it turns itself around. What really disturbs me about it is that I'm having trouble pinpointing the why of it. I'm not one to commonly have difficulty finding the root of my feelings. It's one of the reasons that I don't stay mad at anyone for very long, one of the reasons why I come to the decisions that I make. Even though I can be indecisive its because I look at all the options but take the time to figure my feelings in a situation out. And yes, I over analyze practically everything.
So when it comes to this funk i've been in, for lack of a better term, it would be super easy to blame stress, senioritis, health issues, lack of sleep, or maybe I'm holding onto something in my heart that I shouldn't be. There are many factors in my life that could lead to these emotions but for some reason none of them seem to fit right, and I don't believe it to be all of them at once. Its perplexing.
I've been short with people this weekend. I don't normally do that. So if i've been short with you lately, i apologize and shall try to be taller.
So I find myself at the old blog again which was always a place where I could work out whatever the heck it was that was on my mind. Its the next best thing to talking out loud for me. And quite frankly I'm much too in the mood for no talking.
So there are two kinds of meaning to me. You can disagree with this, many do, philosophers argue about it, but this is what I see. The first kind of meaning is what we give to it. This is what we often mistake in our minds as "deeper meaning" when say reading literature or studying art. I think the artist was thinking one thing, and the audience another, and basically the meaning of all matter around us winds up to be some sort of projection. It's like my mother says in response to how people treat one another. "People typically expect others to do what they themselves would do." That's why some people feel completely justified in talking about others behind their backs, because in their mind, those people of whom they speak are doing exactly the same thing. So when people talk about social networking about being more than just a network but about individuals trying to define themselves, or trying to present a picture of themselves out into the world to be seen a certain way and those pictures may or may not be "accurate." It is then that we are projecting another layer of meaning onto the whole social networking phenomenon. A meaning that if you were to ask me I would say were most likely a result of the invention of social networking, and not the cause. Because you see first people networked, and then they projected meaning onto that.
The second type of meaning would be the more controversial of the statements, and comes from the fact that i'm theistic, and that is the meaning God ascribes to everything. Now here's the thing, that meaning is actually the first kind. If we are to see God as creator then any meaning he gives is meaning he projects, just as we project meaning. The only difference is he is God and we are not and that means that his meaning is the only meaning that really...well...matters.
I can say that a job opportunity has meaning for me because it is a representation of my dreams and aspirations, but its true meaning is however it fits into God's plan for my life.
And just because I say plan does not mean I mean destiny. I don't believe in destiny, and I don't believe in fate, I believe in choices. I believe in right choices and wrong choices. I believe that God ascribes meaning to the horrors of our life because he is gracious, and does not create horrors in our life because of meaning.
So what makes me so unbelievabley frustrated is when I am so influenced in my emotions and my perspectives because of CHEMICALS.
And I wonder if I can't think of an emotional or situational reason why I've been so down (even though there are many emotions and situations that could push me into such a state) I imagine it has something to do with some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain. And that frustrates me. A lot.
So whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes, I stand on Mt. Crumpet hating the who's.
Or something...
I think I have senioritis and its worse because of brain chemistry. Lack of dopamine and all with the attention deficit and the unhealthy lifestyle of a college student. Dehydration, high carb low vitamin diet, and ignoring health issues for way too long because it would be just too complicated and time consuming to look into them.
So if it's God it will work out because he is bigger than my life, and if its chemicals I suppose i'll figure that out too, and if its any circumstances then i should stop projecting meaning and snap out of it.
It's like when you're a kid and your parents are telling you to finish your food, and you don't want to, and by now whatever distateful meal thats in front of you is cold too and beginning to congeal but you have to finish it bite after bite at a time and every single one of those bites is an eternity but you have no choice but to keeping going. And meals do end sometime.
Every last bite of this meal is making me gag but I have no choice but to keep eating.
And I have a very long running list of how my life will change for the better when this mess is all over.
Because it will be better, and it will be over. Sooner than I feel, but eternity never feels soon.
So when it comes to this funk i've been in, for lack of a better term, it would be super easy to blame stress, senioritis, health issues, lack of sleep, or maybe I'm holding onto something in my heart that I shouldn't be. There are many factors in my life that could lead to these emotions but for some reason none of them seem to fit right, and I don't believe it to be all of them at once. Its perplexing.
I've been short with people this weekend. I don't normally do that. So if i've been short with you lately, i apologize and shall try to be taller.
So I find myself at the old blog again which was always a place where I could work out whatever the heck it was that was on my mind. Its the next best thing to talking out loud for me. And quite frankly I'm much too in the mood for no talking.
So there are two kinds of meaning to me. You can disagree with this, many do, philosophers argue about it, but this is what I see. The first kind of meaning is what we give to it. This is what we often mistake in our minds as "deeper meaning" when say reading literature or studying art. I think the artist was thinking one thing, and the audience another, and basically the meaning of all matter around us winds up to be some sort of projection. It's like my mother says in response to how people treat one another. "People typically expect others to do what they themselves would do." That's why some people feel completely justified in talking about others behind their backs, because in their mind, those people of whom they speak are doing exactly the same thing. So when people talk about social networking about being more than just a network but about individuals trying to define themselves, or trying to present a picture of themselves out into the world to be seen a certain way and those pictures may or may not be "accurate." It is then that we are projecting another layer of meaning onto the whole social networking phenomenon. A meaning that if you were to ask me I would say were most likely a result of the invention of social networking, and not the cause. Because you see first people networked, and then they projected meaning onto that.
The second type of meaning would be the more controversial of the statements, and comes from the fact that i'm theistic, and that is the meaning God ascribes to everything. Now here's the thing, that meaning is actually the first kind. If we are to see God as creator then any meaning he gives is meaning he projects, just as we project meaning. The only difference is he is God and we are not and that means that his meaning is the only meaning that really...well...matters.
I can say that a job opportunity has meaning for me because it is a representation of my dreams and aspirations, but its true meaning is however it fits into God's plan for my life.
And just because I say plan does not mean I mean destiny. I don't believe in destiny, and I don't believe in fate, I believe in choices. I believe in right choices and wrong choices. I believe that God ascribes meaning to the horrors of our life because he is gracious, and does not create horrors in our life because of meaning.
So what makes me so unbelievabley frustrated is when I am so influenced in my emotions and my perspectives because of CHEMICALS.
And I wonder if I can't think of an emotional or situational reason why I've been so down (even though there are many emotions and situations that could push me into such a state) I imagine it has something to do with some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain. And that frustrates me. A lot.
So whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes, I stand on Mt. Crumpet hating the who's.
Or something...
I think I have senioritis and its worse because of brain chemistry. Lack of dopamine and all with the attention deficit and the unhealthy lifestyle of a college student. Dehydration, high carb low vitamin diet, and ignoring health issues for way too long because it would be just too complicated and time consuming to look into them.
So if it's God it will work out because he is bigger than my life, and if its chemicals I suppose i'll figure that out too, and if its any circumstances then i should stop projecting meaning and snap out of it.
It's like when you're a kid and your parents are telling you to finish your food, and you don't want to, and by now whatever distateful meal thats in front of you is cold too and beginning to congeal but you have to finish it bite after bite at a time and every single one of those bites is an eternity but you have no choice but to keeping going. And meals do end sometime.
Every last bite of this meal is making me gag but I have no choice but to keep eating.
And I have a very long running list of how my life will change for the better when this mess is all over.
Because it will be better, and it will be over. Sooner than I feel, but eternity never feels soon.
Friday, January 27, 2012
OPTIMISM
I've decided to make a list of my dreams. But first, I would like to make a distinction between dreams and goals. The list I am about to make will be a list of things I want to be/accomplish, its true, however some of them may be a little more fanciful than actual realistic goals. (This does not make them impossible, more like a "if I had my druthers" sort of situation.)
Furthermore, these are things that I would like, but there are limits to how far I will go, or what lines I will cross to accomplish them. I will not for instance, pick any one of these instead of taking a path I feel God is leading me towards. You may see this as a cop out, but its isn't. It is an honest to goodness statement, that in the long run whatever God has planned for me will be better then whatever plans I have for myself. I will be happier, and I will make a better and bigger impact on the world.
Another thing that makes these dreams and not goals is their relationship with one another. The list as a whole might be a little hard to accomplish for one person. I could maybe get one or two of them, but in addition to the rest of life there will be little time left to pay attention to any more. And I need my sleep.
Furthermore, these are things that I would like, but there are limits to how far I will go, or what lines I will cross to accomplish them. I will not for instance, pick any one of these instead of taking a path I feel God is leading me towards. You may see this as a cop out, but its isn't. It is an honest to goodness statement, that in the long run whatever God has planned for me will be better then whatever plans I have for myself. I will be happier, and I will make a better and bigger impact on the world.
Another thing that makes these dreams and not goals is their relationship with one another. The list as a whole might be a little hard to accomplish for one person. I could maybe get one or two of them, but in addition to the rest of life there will be little time left to pay attention to any more. And I need my sleep.
Some of them are simple, and my not require much effort, the primary obstacles are more in my mind than anything else. Others of them may seem very complex and could take years to accomplish. I have no idea how much time I have on this planet. I could die today, I could die in 60 years. You just don't know.
- Work in China for a non-profit. -This could be a job where I just have to travel to China a lot, or actually live there for a time. But I want to do something beneficial to humanity, I want to do it in China, and I want to put my Chinese to good use, which brings me to my next one...
- Become proficient in Chinese.- I am only in my second year, and about to graduate, so actually continuing to learn this foreign language is going to require some real effort on my part.
- Learn to play the cello.- I don't want to be a master cellist, I just want to be able to hold my own musically with the thing. This is a dream that will require some dedication as well as moolah. I can hold my own with the clarinet and I've had seven years training in that. I think I could hold my own by 4 years, but a string instrument is a different animal so we'll have to see.
- Become a professional blogger.- I don't have the highest readership with this thing. My myspace one had about 30 though. I've just discovered that this is something I enjoy, and I wouldn't mind being paid to do it.
- Be a healthy weight for my height and body type.- Okay this is one that should be easier than I make it but that doesn't make it easy. I've been overweight for a s long as I can remember, but not nearly to the extent that I have been recently. My dream is 145, and that is at the top of what's healthy for my shape and height. To be honest, I'd be happy with 150, or 175. As of right now to achieve this dream weight I'd have to lose 75 lbs. Benefits from this? I'd feel better, have an easier time finding clothes that fit. I wouldn't run through clothes as much as the wear and tear would be diminished. And whether or not people choose to admit it, I'd probably make a bigger impact in the work place. It's hard enough to be successful as a woman, try being an overweight one. As women our looks matter unfortunately.
These dreams are not requirements in my life to be happy. I can be happy without all of these things. They are things I would like, and all of them represent something bigger. The truth is that I have trouble achieving things. I do well in structured environments but when left to my own devices there is very little productivity in my psyche. All of these will require discipline, and that above all of these other things is what I really want. I want to be able to wake up on time, to be able to start and finish things, and the ability to decide I want to do something, and then do it, not pine because I try and can't. A lot of my struggles are rooted in my ADD, which as a disorder cause a lot of problems. I can't organize my time, can't stay focused on projects, and so forth. But if I could become a disciplined person I could work around my ADD.
Someday I may reread this list and decide I don't want these things anymore, and that's fine. But I never want to look back and regret not trying.
Someday I may reread this list and decide I don't want these things anymore, and that's fine. But I never want to look back and regret not trying.
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