this blog was supposed to publish september first of 2018. so i'm publishing it now.


What now...


A year and five months abroad in China.  I've been back less that six months. About five. I still have dreams that I'm back there. Dreams that don't make any sense.  They make me confused and sad because I want to find meaning in them but there isn't any. They're just the random memories of the last couple years getting processed into my subconscious.  Joe once said that he always dreamed of people that weren't in his life anymore. I don't want those people to not be a part of my life anymore.

I don't want my life to be over. I know its not. I know there is still a plan for me. That this experience was just a piece of a larger me that isn't finished yet. At the same time it was an escape from life because there were so many problems that I have here in the states I could conveniently ignore.  I didn't have to try as hard to get healthy because there was no chance of meeting anybody.  The letters piling up reminding me of the huge debt above my head were thousands of miles away on someone else's kitchen table. All i had to worry about was the task laid before me.

I couldn't do anything about those things. I had a job to do.

Now I don't have a job to do. And its unnerving.

I just got employed though. I feel good about it.  It's from God. All from him.  While I applied and applied and applied and interviewed a bit, it wasn't my own actions that brought this fruit.  I neither applied nor did I interview. They offered me an opportunity.  My mom said that I got this job because of my character.

I'd like to be good at something besides being good.  I feel like that's a nasty thing to say.  Shouldn't being good be what is striven for?  But I'd like to have talent again. Intelligence. I'd like to be effective with my hands and my actions.  I want productivity to be something I can point to in my day.

So what do you have for me God?  Will there be a day where I am satisfied enough in you that the places I fail the worlds standards cease to bother me?   I wish looks and accomplishments didn't matter to me.  I wish I had the affirmation I'm looking for in human beings. I know that I'll be used again by you God.  But I wish the memory of safety in a mission were enough to quell the anxiety.