Sometimes I get the feeling that i'm weird.
Okay, I know i'm weird. I don't consider weird a bad thing. I feel as though people's weirdness gives them dimension; makes them more than just flat characters in the background. However it is not the quirky kind of weird, or the charismatic kind of weird that I am referring to. It is the weirdness that makes a person a little...off.
Let's put it this way, sometimes, I don't fit in.
I know that much of these feelings are in my head. They stem from bad boxes I have from situations i've been in where i genuinly did not fit in. I'm self conscious, its true.
However I can not say that I wasn't warned. It says in the Bible that we are in the world, but not of the world.
So sometimes I feel as if there is something wrong with me. While other girls my age are meeting fellas and falling in love and getting hitched and whatnot I am going to church and leading worship with teenagers and trying to figure out why I am not doing the same thing, and why I don't feel bad about it.
Not to say that other girls who have active love lives are not as "christiany" to use a technical term; far from it. I know many women of God who date and get married and seem...well...normal.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm one of those "called" to be single, and wonder if i'm okay with that.
The point of this seemingly personal blog is that I realized yesterday that I am more normal than I would have thought. Let's look at it this way...
If I were to meet a guy whom I fell completely head over heels for, and we went out and got engaged, then I would wind up rearranging my entire life around this event. I would make plans on where I would live and what jobs I would take and even how I scheduled my social calandar and other activities based on this person, because part of the whole point is integrating this person into my life. On top of this, not a single person would question it because this is normal. It is in fact normal to rearrange one's life to accomodate another person for the purposes of integrating them into your existence. This is very human.
I realized yesterday that this is exactly what I'm doing. The person I have fallen completely head over heels for is Jesus, and I have organized my schedule and redirected my life based on my relationship with him, so that I could better integrate him into my life. I am catering to, and making accomodations for this relationship. How much more human is that?
I've always agreed with the idiom "Christianity isn't a religion, it is a relationship" (I mean I of course agree that it is one that we follow "religiously" in the sense that there are rituals and traditions we follow for the purpose of spiritual community) but I feel like I better understand it now.
And while I still know that I am odd, to the extent that a Christian should be considered odd (and possibly more so) I think that i'm a little less self-concious about where my life is going. And if there be a fella with whom I could find a companion the only possible way to make it work would be if he were to have made the same arrangements and rearrangements for God as I have, because that is the only way that our lives will fit.