i think one of the reasons we're so obsessed with being ourselves or finding ourselves is that we try to quantify it by qualifying it, or qualify it by quantifying it. like saying "I am the sum of everything i've been" or "this thing, this thing, and this thing, make up who i am."
a thought occured to me earlier today. i don't remember what it was i was thinking about doing, but i thought "i'm going to try to do that" to which i thought "is that fake?"
and then realized that just because something requires effort doesn't mean it isn't also part of who we are. this is the whole problem with the concept of "posers" and why the cliche'd hipster pretentiousness is made fun of so much. its ridiculous to say that a person who likes metal music isn't really metal and is only pretending to be metal if they don't participate in every qualifier deemed "Necessary" to be metal. (this is just an example) but our "self" isn't just what we do, its what we want. its as much the times we feel like we're not ourselves as the times when we are because those times when we don't feel like ourselves are times when WE are uncomfortable.
it should be enough for us, but it isn't.
so this thought i had earlier today, realizing that the existence of effort didn't negate the "realness" of a person or their actions was somewhat contradictory to a thought i just had now where i decided that i was most myself when i was a young child because i existed without trying to define myself as a distinct existence. but thats not true is it? it j ust means that who i was wasn't bothered by the question "who am i?" and the effort of finding out who we are doesn't make us less who we are than if we thought of it not at all.
but i can see our existence as being one of two things, realizing that there are more than likely many possibilites that i just have yet to consider and that is we are who we are who we are, or, we are what we define ourselves as, because i truly believe everything in the universe contains the value in which it is given and if we qualify ourselvels and say "i am a waitress" or "i am a sousaphonician (makin up words like a boss)" then that is what we are and it really doesn't need to be more complicated then that.
but once again i contradict myself and my own thoughts realizing that i believe people or things to be different then the values they're given all the time. for instance a friend the other day said that we were only things we chose to be. for instance, a single mother is only a single mother if she chooses to be a single mother. but a single mother isn't not a single mother just cause she decides. if she is single, and a mother, then she is a single mother whether she likes it or not.
but this brings forth all kinds of arguments regarding humanity and our freedom, especially within thinks like gender. a person can have the qualities of a male but not consider themselves male and therefore not be male, but i think our definitions are just as much cultural as they are personal. thats why we're always trying to figure out which aspects of our lives are inherent and which are social constructs so that we can reject whatever we've decided is in fact a social construct because for some reason being constructed by society makes a concept illegitimate or optional. in reality we always have options and choices, but in reality that won't mean we can live that way.
but to the question "is it inherent or socially constructed?" i say "yes" because society in itself is inherent. like the systems of a body, each system working within and separate from the other systems. in the land of nature vs. nurture i'm very nurture heavy.
and thats the thing, i think at its core, our obsession with finding ourselves is an attempt to be nature without nurture, but thats asking green to become blue when yellow is a permanent fixture in its being. we're all green.
"but what shade of green? can we be another secondary color like purple?!"
no. i'm stopping the metaphor there! so don't do it. just don't.
this blog went way farther than i thought it would when i started.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
and that can be the worst feeling...
i'm finding myself getting to that place again where i completely resent the basic bodily functions that make up our lives.
i completely resent that we need to sleep every day, eat a few times a day, and even bathe on a regular basis. i feel like all these things take up time and muck up what i struggle to make efficient time management.
so basically, i suck at managing my time, and i wish that i could cut into the things that i have to do to keep going so that i could finish the things i haven't finished that are holding me back.
i totally love sleeping, eating, and bathing. but they take up so much TIME.
my time table is about eight hours off of everyone else's.
i came to the realization the other day that my frustrations with myself are in a lot of ways frustrations with God, in the sense that i simultaneously expect him to make my life awesome overnight, and then i get down on myself when it doesn't.
there are so many things i should be doing. so many of them i'm not doing because of anxiety and attention deficit. but mostly the anxiety. i mean, how can i get a better job when i can't even put the christmas tree up?
stupid tree.
i feel like intellectually i need a creative outlet, but emotionally i'm too drained to bother. i didn't even make a costume for the hobbit opening! that may not seem like much to you, but even if my costume completely sucks i wear one to these things. its just what i do. now...i'm just tired.
i've started reading again, so thats a thing i guess. i'm rereading old books i've read before cause i don't feel like starting anything new but at least i'm reading. ugh.
i thoroughly believe that our happiness is a choice. its our choice how we respond to the events in our lives. i also thoroughly feel like no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i choose to be happy, its not working.
however, i see that my life has been making improvements, even though they're not at the pace that i would like. i'm aware that i need to trust in God's timing over my own, but even if i were going slower than now i wish i could at least feel like i'm moving forward. right now it feels like i'm treading water. staying afloat but not going anywhere, and its only a matter of time before my legs get tired.
i dunno. its two in the morning. i'm tired. i had a long day of selling fried fish and fixing violent car malfunctions in thirty degree weather. (or at least holding the flashlight for the persons fixing my violent car malfunctions. thanks, dad!" i just need to throw my laundry in the dryer, drink some water because i feel super dehydrated, and go to bed.
i think in the long run though i need more time with my friends. spending time with them always makes life seem manageable. spending too much time alone makes me feel inadequate.
i completely resent that we need to sleep every day, eat a few times a day, and even bathe on a regular basis. i feel like all these things take up time and muck up what i struggle to make efficient time management.
so basically, i suck at managing my time, and i wish that i could cut into the things that i have to do to keep going so that i could finish the things i haven't finished that are holding me back.
i totally love sleeping, eating, and bathing. but they take up so much TIME.
my time table is about eight hours off of everyone else's.
i came to the realization the other day that my frustrations with myself are in a lot of ways frustrations with God, in the sense that i simultaneously expect him to make my life awesome overnight, and then i get down on myself when it doesn't.
there are so many things i should be doing. so many of them i'm not doing because of anxiety and attention deficit. but mostly the anxiety. i mean, how can i get a better job when i can't even put the christmas tree up?
stupid tree.
i feel like intellectually i need a creative outlet, but emotionally i'm too drained to bother. i didn't even make a costume for the hobbit opening! that may not seem like much to you, but even if my costume completely sucks i wear one to these things. its just what i do. now...i'm just tired.
i've started reading again, so thats a thing i guess. i'm rereading old books i've read before cause i don't feel like starting anything new but at least i'm reading. ugh.
i thoroughly believe that our happiness is a choice. its our choice how we respond to the events in our lives. i also thoroughly feel like no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i choose to be happy, its not working.
however, i see that my life has been making improvements, even though they're not at the pace that i would like. i'm aware that i need to trust in God's timing over my own, but even if i were going slower than now i wish i could at least feel like i'm moving forward. right now it feels like i'm treading water. staying afloat but not going anywhere, and its only a matter of time before my legs get tired.
i dunno. its two in the morning. i'm tired. i had a long day of selling fried fish and fixing violent car malfunctions in thirty degree weather. (or at least holding the flashlight for the persons fixing my violent car malfunctions. thanks, dad!" i just need to throw my laundry in the dryer, drink some water because i feel super dehydrated, and go to bed.
i think in the long run though i need more time with my friends. spending time with them always makes life seem manageable. spending too much time alone makes me feel inadequate.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
just a perfect day...
so this is my idea of a perfect day
when i say perfect day, i don't mean amazing day. this isn't a day where i lose a hundred pounds then go on a date with...dang...who would i go on a a date with? lets just say *insert attractive celebrity i'm a fan of here*
this isn't a day of roller coasters with no waiting lines.
this isn't a day of flawless marching band performances
of starring in broadway shows
of touring europe
of constant rock concert dancing.
this is a perfect day, which means that nothing is wrong with it. it means that just because nothing particularly awesome is happening, doesn't mean that there is anything inherently wrong with the day.
on this day i wake up on time. and i get up, on time.
i shower.
i get dressed in clean clothes and i don't freak out about how i look in them.
i eat breakfast.
i take my medication. i don't know what medication this is, but it helps me focus on what i need to do, and helps me not have anxiety attacks about doing it.
i go to work.
i don't know what job this is. but it is a job where i work with people, and i'm doing something positive for society. and i don't feel like my soul is dying.
i go home.
i hobby. i might exercise. i might practice my clarinet or learn another instrument. i might make something. i might read.
i go out with my friends, because every day should end with the people i love.
and then i go to bed.
this is a normal day i feel. and to me it is perfect. because i have never had these things. i have never gotten up on time, i have never been comfortable with the way i look, i have never had a job that fits me, i have never had frequent enough time for my interests, or been able to go home and have the time to do whatever it is that i need to do between work or school and seeing people.
and all i want is a normal day.
and a voice in my head says "sara, nobody has days or lives exactly how they want them."
this is true. which is why this is my perfect day. perfection is impossible.
i in now way consider a day like this possible.
when i say perfect day, i don't mean amazing day. this isn't a day where i lose a hundred pounds then go on a date with...dang...who would i go on a a date with? lets just say *insert attractive celebrity i'm a fan of here*
this isn't a day of roller coasters with no waiting lines.
this isn't a day of flawless marching band performances
of starring in broadway shows
of touring europe
of constant rock concert dancing.
this is a perfect day, which means that nothing is wrong with it. it means that just because nothing particularly awesome is happening, doesn't mean that there is anything inherently wrong with the day.
on this day i wake up on time. and i get up, on time.
i shower.
i get dressed in clean clothes and i don't freak out about how i look in them.
i eat breakfast.
i take my medication. i don't know what medication this is, but it helps me focus on what i need to do, and helps me not have anxiety attacks about doing it.
i go to work.
i don't know what job this is. but it is a job where i work with people, and i'm doing something positive for society. and i don't feel like my soul is dying.
i go home.
i hobby. i might exercise. i might practice my clarinet or learn another instrument. i might make something. i might read.
i go out with my friends, because every day should end with the people i love.
and then i go to bed.
this is a normal day i feel. and to me it is perfect. because i have never had these things. i have never gotten up on time, i have never been comfortable with the way i look, i have never had a job that fits me, i have never had frequent enough time for my interests, or been able to go home and have the time to do whatever it is that i need to do between work or school and seeing people.
and all i want is a normal day.
and a voice in my head says "sara, nobody has days or lives exactly how they want them."
this is true. which is why this is my perfect day. perfection is impossible.
i in now way consider a day like this possible.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
better than xanax Part II
so my last couple of posts have been kind of angsty
for that, i don't apologize. this blog is and always will be my self expression, and i only ever write blogs when i actually feel like i have something to say.
even if its only something like "i like cupcakes, they rock my socks." i write that because at the time i am feeling it so strongly that i need to take that message, put it into a little cyber capsule, and jettison it into oblivion for whomever to find and read and take as they will.
that being said, part of the reason they've been angsty is because well, i've been feeling angsty.
especially at night, which is when i blog.
but i've not really been feeling angsty. i've been feeling, sad. there i said it.
you know how hard it is for me to admit that i'm sad?
its weird. i'll admit i'm angry or frustrated or happy or just about any other emotion before i'll admit that i'm sad.
or embarrassed, for some reason i don't like admitting when i'm embarrassed. it makes it worse or something.
anywho.
this whole sadness not admitting thing is probably a pride issue. all issues turn out to be pride issues in the end. its kind of connected to this underlying feeling i have that i have to act as if everything is okay all the time otherwise people will get upset with me, because me admitting that i'm troubled is actually on some level making trouble.
so there, i admitted it. i can't admit that i'm sad. but now i'm admitting it. i'm sad.
except...
okay so basically this is how my life has been going down. i wake up in the morning, late.
so already in my day i am a failure. this is every day mind you. i have no idea why on earth i can't wake up on time but golly gee have i not been working on it MY ENTIRE LIFE and jimminy willickers has it gotten WORSE WITH AGE!!
so invariably, my first action of every day is a screw up.
i don't even get a chance to do something right before i do something wrong.
after i get up late i will probably shower although that depends on how late i got up, get dressed into my work uniform and go to work. then i will work super hard at a job that i feel terrible at if for no other reason then i can't seem to move fast enough. i will get frequent annoyed and impatient looks from my supervisors, i will over compensate by doing an obscenely detailed job sweeping, then right when i think i'm getting the hang of things accidentally close the cash drawer before giving a customer their change, forcing me to call over a manager to open the drawer for me so i can retrieve it.
i will leave work after getting somewhere between three to five hours. which every paycheck adds to just under how much i need to do one thing on the list of many things i need the money for. i will put in my lipring to feel like myself again, and depending on the day go to some kind of social activity with my friends hoping that i don't smell like deep fried fish planks.
then i will come home, i may or may not make myself food, watch television for an extended period of time and then get online to check facebook and tumblr and pinterest and any other social networking site i can think of. it's about this time that my entire day settles over my head and i'll see something online that strikes a chord with me and i'll get really emotional and then i'll blog.
i'll remind and berate myself about how i'm not doing anything in my life that makes life worth living. i'm not really serving anyone, i'm not creating anything, i'm not going anywhere, i'm not using my education.
then i will go to bed, knowing that the next day is going to be exactly like that day was.
believe me, i have a point to all of this.
so when it comes to where i am with God right now i'm all like "where do you want me to go?" and God is all like "well, you're here right now." and i'm like "well i'm not asking about right now, God. i'm asking about what i am to be doing..."
i've been trying to be more intentional in my walk, specifically with prayer. there have just been so many things circling my life that need prayer lately. people and circumstances. and i know i need to pray more, not just my regular impulse prayers like "Dear God thankyou for not letting that bus hit me." but more like actual "hey, God. what's up? so this is happening to me today, and by the way this is whats happening to all of my friends."
i believe in the power of prayer. so why don't i use it?
over the summer i had another job that was giving me similar anxieties and it was awful, and then i chose to do this prayer routine with one of the youth group chicks and was amazed to discover that not only were my days going better but i was actually happy.
so today as i was driving home and thinking overwhelming thoughts about student loans and insufficiencies in my work and my self it occurred to me like a pudgy girl on the couch who said she'd run more (cause i'm that girl too) that i was by myself and maybe instead of jamming to ke$ha i should be talking to God.
"Hey...Father...um...I suppose you already know this but...i'm sad..."
sidenote: you know i've been thinking about the word "sad" and wondering if there is a better more fitting synonym to use. after all i see meme after meme on the internet making fun of people's limited vocabularies. but the truth is i feel there is no better word that could quite describe it.
so i get home and i get online and i start checking things and i start watching youtube videos and i do laundry and i work on something for the dinner party i'm going to tomorrow and realize something.
i'm not thinking about all the crap in my life. i'm thinking about what i'm doing. thats it.
and i'm once again reminded about how just talking to God makes things better even though nothing in my life has changed...yet...i think i have some more praying to do.
for that, i don't apologize. this blog is and always will be my self expression, and i only ever write blogs when i actually feel like i have something to say.
even if its only something like "i like cupcakes, they rock my socks." i write that because at the time i am feeling it so strongly that i need to take that message, put it into a little cyber capsule, and jettison it into oblivion for whomever to find and read and take as they will.
that being said, part of the reason they've been angsty is because well, i've been feeling angsty.
especially at night, which is when i blog.
but i've not really been feeling angsty. i've been feeling, sad. there i said it.
you know how hard it is for me to admit that i'm sad?
its weird. i'll admit i'm angry or frustrated or happy or just about any other emotion before i'll admit that i'm sad.
or embarrassed, for some reason i don't like admitting when i'm embarrassed. it makes it worse or something.
anywho.
this whole sadness not admitting thing is probably a pride issue. all issues turn out to be pride issues in the end. its kind of connected to this underlying feeling i have that i have to act as if everything is okay all the time otherwise people will get upset with me, because me admitting that i'm troubled is actually on some level making trouble.
so there, i admitted it. i can't admit that i'm sad. but now i'm admitting it. i'm sad.
except...
okay so basically this is how my life has been going down. i wake up in the morning, late.
so already in my day i am a failure. this is every day mind you. i have no idea why on earth i can't wake up on time but golly gee have i not been working on it MY ENTIRE LIFE and jimminy willickers has it gotten WORSE WITH AGE!!
so invariably, my first action of every day is a screw up.
i don't even get a chance to do something right before i do something wrong.
after i get up late i will probably shower although that depends on how late i got up, get dressed into my work uniform and go to work. then i will work super hard at a job that i feel terrible at if for no other reason then i can't seem to move fast enough. i will get frequent annoyed and impatient looks from my supervisors, i will over compensate by doing an obscenely detailed job sweeping, then right when i think i'm getting the hang of things accidentally close the cash drawer before giving a customer their change, forcing me to call over a manager to open the drawer for me so i can retrieve it.
i will leave work after getting somewhere between three to five hours. which every paycheck adds to just under how much i need to do one thing on the list of many things i need the money for. i will put in my lipring to feel like myself again, and depending on the day go to some kind of social activity with my friends hoping that i don't smell like deep fried fish planks.
then i will come home, i may or may not make myself food, watch television for an extended period of time and then get online to check facebook and tumblr and pinterest and any other social networking site i can think of. it's about this time that my entire day settles over my head and i'll see something online that strikes a chord with me and i'll get really emotional and then i'll blog.
i'll remind and berate myself about how i'm not doing anything in my life that makes life worth living. i'm not really serving anyone, i'm not creating anything, i'm not going anywhere, i'm not using my education.
then i will go to bed, knowing that the next day is going to be exactly like that day was.
believe me, i have a point to all of this.
so when it comes to where i am with God right now i'm all like "where do you want me to go?" and God is all like "well, you're here right now." and i'm like "well i'm not asking about right now, God. i'm asking about what i am to be doing..."
i've been trying to be more intentional in my walk, specifically with prayer. there have just been so many things circling my life that need prayer lately. people and circumstances. and i know i need to pray more, not just my regular impulse prayers like "Dear God thankyou for not letting that bus hit me." but more like actual "hey, God. what's up? so this is happening to me today, and by the way this is whats happening to all of my friends."
i believe in the power of prayer. so why don't i use it?
over the summer i had another job that was giving me similar anxieties and it was awful, and then i chose to do this prayer routine with one of the youth group chicks and was amazed to discover that not only were my days going better but i was actually happy.
so today as i was driving home and thinking overwhelming thoughts about student loans and insufficiencies in my work and my self it occurred to me like a pudgy girl on the couch who said she'd run more (cause i'm that girl too) that i was by myself and maybe instead of jamming to ke$ha i should be talking to God.
"Hey...Father...um...I suppose you already know this but...i'm sad..."
sidenote: you know i've been thinking about the word "sad" and wondering if there is a better more fitting synonym to use. after all i see meme after meme on the internet making fun of people's limited vocabularies. but the truth is i feel there is no better word that could quite describe it.
so i get home and i get online and i start checking things and i start watching youtube videos and i do laundry and i work on something for the dinner party i'm going to tomorrow and realize something.
i'm not thinking about all the crap in my life. i'm thinking about what i'm doing. thats it.
and i'm once again reminded about how just talking to God makes things better even though nothing in my life has changed...yet...i think i have some more praying to do.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
feminazi: because wanting your gender to be treated like a human being, is just like invading poland
ugh.
here is what my blog would say if it were just a facebook post.
i feel that my only inhibition, to being uninhibited, is that i'm not pretty enough.
now for the regularly scheduled angry feminist blog.
its no secret that the world/media/society has a set of standards for all people, but more so for women that define beauty, narrowing its parameters so that it is next to unattainable.
(if you have any arguments about the "more so for women" caveat then i invite you to look at any tv sitcom and count the number of overweight men with attractive wives, verses the amount of overweight women with attractive husbands.)
the worst part about it i'm realizing is that besides the "you must look a certain way to be considered attractive and be taken seriously" message that is being sent out is the additional "you can only do the things you want to do in life if you look the way we say you should."
i was watching a CW show the other day that featured three female lawyers. not a single one of them was actually dressed professionally as would be expected in a work place. (and these women supposedly worked for the DA) instead they were all wearing flowy scarves and blouses that looked more like a fashion magazine. in addition to this, all of them were about 5'9" with a slim body build, probably about 110 pounds each. they were habeus corpus barbies.
i've heard many men say that they don't like it when women spend so much time on their appearance, and that they want girls to just "be themselves."
but i truly believe that they do not even realize what that would look like. they imagine the same clean and made up girls, but in sweatpants.
i was once with a group of my guy friends, and we met a girl who didn't shave her legs. its okay if those guys didn't find that attractive. we all have tastes and preferences. but they continued to make fun of her in conversations for nearly a year afterward, only ceasing when another girlfriend and i yelled at them for it. but they didn't stop because they realized how offensive it was, they stopped because we yelled at them.
whenever i see a woman express herself completely, i try to imagine myself in her place, and realize that the main thing stopping me is that i don't fit that magazine pretty. because when i was made fun of in school, it was often for doing normal things that every other girl did. the only reason why i was made fun of for it and not other girls was because i wasn't as pretty as those other girls.
this isn't a cry for attention, i don't desire to hear assuring remarks about my appearance. i just want women to be respected enough that they are allowed to be who they are and look how they look whether or not who they are and how they look fit together according to the rest of the world standards.
here is what my blog would say if it were just a facebook post.
i feel that my only inhibition, to being uninhibited, is that i'm not pretty enough.
now for the regularly scheduled angry feminist blog.
its no secret that the world/media/society has a set of standards for all people, but more so for women that define beauty, narrowing its parameters so that it is next to unattainable.
(if you have any arguments about the "more so for women" caveat then i invite you to look at any tv sitcom and count the number of overweight men with attractive wives, verses the amount of overweight women with attractive husbands.)
the worst part about it i'm realizing is that besides the "you must look a certain way to be considered attractive and be taken seriously" message that is being sent out is the additional "you can only do the things you want to do in life if you look the way we say you should."
i was watching a CW show the other day that featured three female lawyers. not a single one of them was actually dressed professionally as would be expected in a work place. (and these women supposedly worked for the DA) instead they were all wearing flowy scarves and blouses that looked more like a fashion magazine. in addition to this, all of them were about 5'9" with a slim body build, probably about 110 pounds each. they were habeus corpus barbies.
i've heard many men say that they don't like it when women spend so much time on their appearance, and that they want girls to just "be themselves."
but i truly believe that they do not even realize what that would look like. they imagine the same clean and made up girls, but in sweatpants.
i was once with a group of my guy friends, and we met a girl who didn't shave her legs. its okay if those guys didn't find that attractive. we all have tastes and preferences. but they continued to make fun of her in conversations for nearly a year afterward, only ceasing when another girlfriend and i yelled at them for it. but they didn't stop because they realized how offensive it was, they stopped because we yelled at them.
whenever i see a woman express herself completely, i try to imagine myself in her place, and realize that the main thing stopping me is that i don't fit that magazine pretty. because when i was made fun of in school, it was often for doing normal things that every other girl did. the only reason why i was made fun of for it and not other girls was because i wasn't as pretty as those other girls.
this isn't a cry for attention, i don't desire to hear assuring remarks about my appearance. i just want women to be respected enough that they are allowed to be who they are and look how they look whether or not who they are and how they look fit together according to the rest of the world standards.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
it hurts less to sleep than it does to dream
beautiful things make me sad anymore.
they make me feel like i'm missing something in my life. something big and important. i'm not really creating anymore.
creating is really important for humans. especially creating beautiful things, because we are what we create. if i ask myself if i'm beautiful i have to be honest and say...i have had my moments. but not lately.
i think it is both man's blessing and his curse that we should not recognize our own moments of beauty until years later, and possibly never. so being beautiful is known to be an attainable goal, but one that we must constantly be striving for.
i'm inpatient.
sometimes i really hate that i need people, that i get my energy from people, because i often feel like i need to have just a string of a few days all to myself, a string of a few weeks really, to fix myself. and then when i've recovered i can re-enter society as the person that i'm supposed to be.
you know how when you're running late it can start with something really small that throws your whole day off? like you hit the snooze button one time too many or your pet makes a mess that needs immediate attention or you get stuck behind a train. it only really takes a few minutes of your time but it takes you hours to get back on schedule. i kind of feel that way about my whole life. like one day in grade school i overslept and now i can't get back on track.
but i'm getting derailed now actually.
i have this sinking feeling that my entire life i'm going to be doing everything to actually create something i'm proud of and for the rest of my life beautiful things will be making me sad.
i think that the easy assumption is that my job in fast food and having nothing in the foreseeable future but debt repayment is killing my soul.
of course i could just be a flawed human being.
they make me feel like i'm missing something in my life. something big and important. i'm not really creating anymore.
creating is really important for humans. especially creating beautiful things, because we are what we create. if i ask myself if i'm beautiful i have to be honest and say...i have had my moments. but not lately.
i think it is both man's blessing and his curse that we should not recognize our own moments of beauty until years later, and possibly never. so being beautiful is known to be an attainable goal, but one that we must constantly be striving for.
i'm inpatient.
sometimes i really hate that i need people, that i get my energy from people, because i often feel like i need to have just a string of a few days all to myself, a string of a few weeks really, to fix myself. and then when i've recovered i can re-enter society as the person that i'm supposed to be.
you know how when you're running late it can start with something really small that throws your whole day off? like you hit the snooze button one time too many or your pet makes a mess that needs immediate attention or you get stuck behind a train. it only really takes a few minutes of your time but it takes you hours to get back on schedule. i kind of feel that way about my whole life. like one day in grade school i overslept and now i can't get back on track.
but i'm getting derailed now actually.
i have this sinking feeling that my entire life i'm going to be doing everything to actually create something i'm proud of and for the rest of my life beautiful things will be making me sad.
i think that the easy assumption is that my job in fast food and having nothing in the foreseeable future but debt repayment is killing my soul.
of course i could just be a flawed human being.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
not nothing i hope.
so...i think i might join the peace corps
this is a frustrating thought to me because believe it or not i'm a person who overanalyzes everything. (shocker i know) i could explain alot of my anxiety by going back to just before i graduated college last may and explaining how i got into the situation i'm in now or rather how i failed to rise out of the situation i'm currently in but that would be quite the long blog and for those of you who actually read my ramblings and musings and whatnot would probably not be the most interesting or thought provoking of reads.
so basically my situation is that i am now the proud owner of a liberal arts degree but am working part time in fast food.
i keep repeating in my head that its a blessing to have any kind of job at all.
i am now as we speak becoming the proud owner of a car. my first that will be/is in my name officially.
these both mean something very serious, and that is that i have to start paying off student loans (this coming month actually!) and paying off this car that i've bought.
in the mean time i'm left to ponder on if i'll ever be able to get a job that is actually within the skill set i'm paying so highly for that is doing some actual good in the world.
not that i don't think serving fried foods to seniors is necessarily a bad thing...but...its not what i'm called to do!
the peace corps makes a lot of sense for who i am and where i am in life. but i don't trust things that make sense.
so i guess i'm going to make a pros and cons list now....
pros-
cons-
well it looks like pros and cons are equal, but if you'll notice all of the cons are basically my fears. i'm afraid of being away from the people i care about, i'm afraid of being forced to deviate from my passions, i'm afraid that all my hard work will come to nothing, i'm afraid of being stuck in an awkward or uncomfortable situation.
so basically over all, i am afriad of doing the wrong thing! and this makes me very mad at myself because this is sooo typically me. this is why i stressed so much over changing majors in college, why i've neglected choosing so many opportunities because it might close the door to other opportunities that i don't have but would like to have.
and as a tv show recently so poigniantly pointed out to me (a poigniant point he he) the only wrong thing is to do nothing, is to stay where i am...
that is of course unless God is telling me to wait.
and believe me its not that i've not been praying about it, but i think my affective filter is causing me to have some communication issues with the great I AM. in other words, i am so very anxious about hearing the wrong message that i'm not hearing any messages at all.
meanwhile as i do nothing with my life i'm getting barely any hours at work and obsessing over how i need to lose weight and spending all my free time watching various television series on dvd/netflix.
oh God help me.
i had a theory for a while that i think for the time was accurate that God was wanting me to take a break because in between my last job and this job i was getting sleep for the first time in literally years and it felt wonderful.
i do not fear that God does not have a plan for me, or will guide me, or will provide for me financially and spiritually. but i have fear in myself that i am such a screwed up person that i can not do what is the most necessary of tasks and that is make my life function. while it inherently isn't a simple task i feel constantly as if everybody can do it but me. and i catch myself asking God why he didn't make me more focused or less anxious or prettier or funnier or smarter or more talented. but when you ask God all those things at some point it just comes to "why didn't you make me better than everyone in every way" and then it kind of is just like asking "why didn't you make me like you" which comes back to he did make us like him in that he made us in his image and its our choices that have brought us to where we are now, wallowing in a sea of imperfection that continually makes life difficult.
but i am who God made me and i am where he put me so what am i going to do about it?
this is a frustrating thought to me because believe it or not i'm a person who overanalyzes everything. (shocker i know) i could explain alot of my anxiety by going back to just before i graduated college last may and explaining how i got into the situation i'm in now or rather how i failed to rise out of the situation i'm currently in but that would be quite the long blog and for those of you who actually read my ramblings and musings and whatnot would probably not be the most interesting or thought provoking of reads.
so basically my situation is that i am now the proud owner of a liberal arts degree but am working part time in fast food.
i keep repeating in my head that its a blessing to have any kind of job at all.
i am now as we speak becoming the proud owner of a car. my first that will be/is in my name officially.
these both mean something very serious, and that is that i have to start paying off student loans (this coming month actually!) and paying off this car that i've bought.
in the mean time i'm left to ponder on if i'll ever be able to get a job that is actually within the skill set i'm paying so highly for that is doing some actual good in the world.
not that i don't think serving fried foods to seniors is necessarily a bad thing...but...its not what i'm called to do!
the peace corps makes a lot of sense for who i am and where i am in life. but i don't trust things that make sense.
so i guess i'm going to make a pros and cons list now....
pros-
- i would be doing some good for humanity,
- i would get to travel,
- i would get some great experience in the social justice sector,
- i would meet new people and go to new places and possibly make new contacts for the future (yay networking!),
- when its over with they would set me up with a modest "life starter" fund, deferment of student loans...
cons-
- two years away from my loved ones!,
- i could get stationed (and would likely be stationed) in a country that isn't china (not that other countries are bad or don't need helping but i'm really passionate about china),
- and if the previous happens all my chinese i've worked hard to learn and i'm quickly forgetting would go to waste,
- i might get a job i don't like,
- i would be putting all of this money into a car that i would wind up not using
well it looks like pros and cons are equal, but if you'll notice all of the cons are basically my fears. i'm afraid of being away from the people i care about, i'm afraid of being forced to deviate from my passions, i'm afraid that all my hard work will come to nothing, i'm afraid of being stuck in an awkward or uncomfortable situation.
so basically over all, i am afriad of doing the wrong thing! and this makes me very mad at myself because this is sooo typically me. this is why i stressed so much over changing majors in college, why i've neglected choosing so many opportunities because it might close the door to other opportunities that i don't have but would like to have.
and as a tv show recently so poigniantly pointed out to me (a poigniant point he he) the only wrong thing is to do nothing, is to stay where i am...
that is of course unless God is telling me to wait.
and believe me its not that i've not been praying about it, but i think my affective filter is causing me to have some communication issues with the great I AM. in other words, i am so very anxious about hearing the wrong message that i'm not hearing any messages at all.
meanwhile as i do nothing with my life i'm getting barely any hours at work and obsessing over how i need to lose weight and spending all my free time watching various television series on dvd/netflix.
oh God help me.
i had a theory for a while that i think for the time was accurate that God was wanting me to take a break because in between my last job and this job i was getting sleep for the first time in literally years and it felt wonderful.
i do not fear that God does not have a plan for me, or will guide me, or will provide for me financially and spiritually. but i have fear in myself that i am such a screwed up person that i can not do what is the most necessary of tasks and that is make my life function. while it inherently isn't a simple task i feel constantly as if everybody can do it but me. and i catch myself asking God why he didn't make me more focused or less anxious or prettier or funnier or smarter or more talented. but when you ask God all those things at some point it just comes to "why didn't you make me better than everyone in every way" and then it kind of is just like asking "why didn't you make me like you" which comes back to he did make us like him in that he made us in his image and its our choices that have brought us to where we are now, wallowing in a sea of imperfection that continually makes life difficult.
but i am who God made me and i am where he put me so what am i going to do about it?
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