so...

Dear God,

i'm tired.  i'm tired of trying to rationalize it all.  I'm tired of trying to not want things.  I want to trust that you're leading me towards somewhere, anywhere, but I feel as if I don't hear your voice.  I feel like i've been stuck in this life going nowhere.  and i feel stupid for feeling this way.  i know i should always trust you, that you will provide for my needs, that you will know whats best for me.  but i'm tired of living in this house.  i'm tired of feeling useless.  i'm tired of getting into fights with my mom over nothing.  just because we're both too stubborn.  i'm tired of not being able to care for myself, or my family.  i'm tired of not being disciplined enough to accomplish things.  i'm tired of waiting for you to show me the way, or show me i'm wrong, or show me anything.  and every time i start to feel this way i get so mad at myself befcause i know that you are good, that you are in control, that you love me, that you will provide, so why can't i just be happy with my life the way it is?  why can't i mature passed the point of of all this.  whny can't i learn to not rely on my own understanding but to trust in you.  my family has been stuck in this hosue for so long father.  we are far from all of our friends and ministries and jobs.  we can't make ends meet where we are, and we're stuck in this cycle of inadequacy.  i'm tired of constantly being judged by other people for these reasons.  and i'm so mad at myself for being upset about all fo these things because you should be enough for me father.  and i know i my brain that you are more than enough but i feel so pained in my heart over all of these earthly things.  what am i doing wrong?  if you want me to make a chang ein my life i'll change it father so please tell me what it is you want me to do or not do or say or not say.  i don't care if its as small as calling someone or if its as big as moving across the world, i dont' know i just want to feel in this moment like i'm where i'm supposed to be.  why doesn't knowing your truth change how i feel father?  why was i so happy earlier today and why has it changed so drastically now?  and why am i so impatient?

i'm tired of all of the "if only" statements.  i'm tired of thinking "if only we could move out of this house." "if only i could get control of my weight."  "if only i could get some medication for my ADD" 

sometimes its just hard to believe that things will get better when they've stayed the same for so long.  yet i know you've been making changes in my life. 


i'll feel silly about this in the morning.

goodnight father.

to brush my teeth...

so.

as far as anxiety and depression have it, mine has lessened quite a bit.

i'm pretty sure we can attribute this to the fact that i'm no longer in a job i'm dramatically underqualified for, and being taken advantage of by those who hired me.

i'm in a better place.

that still doesn't mean i'm particularly happy with life right now.  but its a less panicky kind of unhappiness.  the kind thats a little too comfortable, like that pair of shoes that you keep wearing, despite the fact that you have tons of other really cute shoes you could be wearing, and would prefer to be wearing.  this pair is just really convenient to slip on when you're running out of the house, and they match what you've got on...most of the time.

i've been combatting this by actually trying to do productive things.  most days i'm not productive, but i try.  for instance, right before gencon i finally set up a much needed dentist appointment.  its september seventh if you wanted to know...i'm excited about it.

basically, now is the perfect time for me to actually start doing all of the things i've been trying to start for a while now.  i can start exercising, and i cna find a job that fits me.  i can restart my old hobbies.  the problem is that i am out of practice of all of these things, and if there is one thing i am bad at, it is starting new habits.

i'm bad at habit forming

especially when my life is currently void of routine enforcing acticities (you know like school or work, the things you wake up in the morning to do)

i need a reason to wake up in the morning...

night time ramblings

Let me preface this with saying that i have not been sticking to my praying schedule this week.

i prayed once today

there are things i know i need.  things like add medication and possibly treatment for my anxiety.
i am aware that these chemical imbalances in my brain alter my perception of reality just enough for me to be aware of the problems i face, but incapable of fixing them on my own.

then the contradictory voice begins in my brain.

it says "no one can do it on their own, you're not special in this. therefore this is not an excuse for you, because everyone else seems to be doing fine.  why can't you?"

i recognize the paradox in this statement.  no one can do it on their own because of life obstacles yet they somehow do it anyway?  and i'm the only one who apparently lets my own inability to do "it" on my own get the better of me?

that doesn't stop it from being said.

like there is something the entire world has that i don't.  like there is something that gives them the ability to succeed or whatever. not even succeed.  to be happy.

then there is this other voice, that's all like "no one is happy."

yet everyone is happy but me, even though no one is.

essentially what it all comes down to is this weird idea that i face no more or less than any other human being in life and therefore should be capable of overcoming what i face, but am currently incapable, and therefore currently inferior in every way to the rest of human kind.

this my friend, is what we call a bad box.  i won't go into what triggerd it.  part of it is the time of day.  i know its at night when i begin to get depressed about my life.  which is so stupid to me right now.  i'm so mad about all of this.  it was all supposed to be better by now!  i was fighting all of this anxiety about school and i wanted it to be done and then school ended and this was supposed to be when i would finally be allowed to begin something special, something different, something new.  and even though i knew it was going to be scary and hard it was still going to be great, because if i am sure of anything in this world it is that God is the giver of scary and hard and great lives.

but its not scary and hard and great.  its just not anything.  i feel so stuck.  i'm in a situation that by all logic should be the best for me and its the worst.  and i don't know how to change it.  because of promises i've made to myself or i feel i've made to  other people i have to stay where i am but i don't know if thats really what i should be doing.  but even if i'm sure of what i shouldn't be doing i have no idea what i should be doing in its stead.

one of the most beautiful pieces of advice i've heard more than once is "when you don't know what it is that God wants you to do, focus on who God wants you to be."  thats what i was thinking about this morning.  as opposed to yesterday morning where i was thinking "i bet the peace corps would be a good move."

grrrrrr

so i think, what is it about "who" i am that needs altering.  the only thing i can think of really at this time is my perspective which is kind of how i got on this train of thought to start with. 

what i want more than anything right now is for my mind to not be focused on me.  let it not be about me.  let it be about everyone else but me.

but right now i'm tired, and i'm burned out.  i'm continually being used by this world and not giving myself the time to fill myself again. 

i'm trying to figure out when my insecurities became anxieties.  when my boredom became emptiness,  when ...

 it feels like either i did something wrong to cause these issues which means its  my fault which makes me feel worse, or its the worlds fault which means there is nothing i can do about it.

and there i am acting like i'm alone in this, like i don't have a savior who loves me, whom i have not been talking to lately as i promised.

i've got this list in my heart characteristics i feel i should have.  its not one that i've published on this blog or any other.  i've made lists of goals and dreams before but this list is almost more shallow.  this is the if i were to be able to rewrite my personality and pick any set of looks that i wanted sort of list.  it doesn't feel like i'm compromising who i am to try to achieve this list but i'm definitely compromising who God is.  when we reach for standards set by the world or based upon our own understanding and not by that of God's then we completely undermine everything he's said or done for us.  how can i stand and claim Jesus as Lord and then turn around and follow the world like an injured puppy.  in truth its not that i want grace.  i don't want forgivness for who or what i am.  i want to be changed, i wante to be fixed. 

Better than xanax

my anxiety has been coming down on me pretty hard the last few weeks

it has gotten to the point where i've been having anxiety attacks almost daily

so this week started out about the same

but...

sunday during youth group we were challenging the girls with doing things this week that could help them develop a closer relationship with God

one of the things was setting time aside for prayer.

this one girl had already gotten this challenge card from a youth convention they went to, where it challenged her for one year or something like that to pray on her knees three times a day, and read the book of daniel

since she's already been challenged in this way, and she hadn't started it yet, i decided i would do it with her

so she won't feel alone you know?

we started monday, she picked three times. and i have alarms set on my phone for each of those times

monday was okay, it was my day off. and then monday evening i started having an anxiety attack and was really really depressed on tuesday morning

i came to work, and was trying to work through it, when my alarm went off to pray

i got on my knees and prayed, just as i had been on monday, about anything that popped into my mind. successions of people i knew and what i knew they were going through, and whatever i didn't know about that they were going through. i prayed that this student would be inspired and know what to say, and i prayed that God would dispell all of my anxiety.

its strange because i've prayed for help with it before. but my prayers have always been in my head or something. i don't know, i guess i was talking at God and not to him. something about the whole knees thing makes it like a real conversation, cause it is.

it completely turned my day around yesterday, the praying

and then i continued it today of course

and today has been great

and its only my third day praying, but i realize i need this

we try to make God this practical thing that fits into our lives, but God is so big, he doesn't fit into our lives. we fit into his

we try to "have time" for God, but time is his to start with

Martin Luther said ""If I fail to spend two hours in prayer each morning, the devil gets the victory through the day. I have so much business I cannot get on without spending three hours daily in prayer."

sweatpants

i'm at this point in my life where i only want to wear sweatpants all the time forever

i don't see this as a good thing.

first of all, i have htis job now, where while there isn't an official dress code, i have to look some level of "professional"

secondly, i have difficulty with my self esteem to start with, the last thing i need is to stop caring about my appearance

and finally, closely related to the second point, this is quite reminiscent of how i used to act when i was a kid and crazy depressed.  thats a part of my life i want to stay gone forever, and the idea of it creeping back on me is unsettling.

"so sara, whats the big deal, just put on some not sweatpants and get on with your life"

its not. that. simple.

the desire to only wear sweatpants will not just go away with a cute outfit.  this is a symptom of something else.  something deeper.

i feel trapped anymore.

its pretty rough right now. ihave this constant voice in my head telling me everything i'm doing wrong and everything i need to do and won't get done and there is no ending in sight.  and i have another voice telling me that i'm being irrational.  that i'm very blessed to be in the position i am in.  that everyone has to work hard and go through these periods of doing seomthing else so that in the long run they can do what they really love. 

but i think both of these voices are wrong.  at least in their attitudes if not their words.

i'm frustrated with all of this.  some moments it feels like there is utterly no prospect of getting any better, and other moments i see clearly that there is a simple solution, and i have to just be patient.

but i'm reaching the end of my rope with patience here. there are a handful of situations i've been in in my life that i have known clearly that it was not only where i was supposed to be but i knew exactly what i was doing.  i fit.  and i'm scratching my head as to why i'm just not putting mysel fin those situations constantly and what i'm doing here.

i make these lists...

when i get really anxious and i start to panic and don't know what to do, i make these lists involving whatever it is im freaking out about so that i feel in control.  thats the only purpose they really serve.  i never follow the lists.  i forget aobut them or something.  but justmaking them gives me this illusion of being in control or at the very least like i'm not spinning out of control. 
the lists might just be of all the things i need to do that are swirling about in my brain, or it might be a list of things i want to ask somebody or a lists of things i need to get at the store.  they are always lists of things that i'm not so much afraid i'll forget, but that i am so irreversably aware of their existence, i have to pluck them from the air above my head and minimize them to a bit of paper.

i could rant for longer but i'm very tired, and sleep will allow me to not think about anything for a few hours.

midnight musings on monotony...cause alliteration is fun thats why

i don't like this part of the day.  i'm so tired, and i get so anxious and depressed.  and i don't want to go to bed because i know it will mean having to wake up again and face all the things i don't feel up to handling.  most nights its like this. and i have to put so much effort into ridding myself of it now because it has the potential to carry over into the morning, and i hate waking up how i went to sleep. the biggest mistake is surrendering to the lurking notion that there is no end to this, and no hope of change.  two of the biggest comforts in my life is that it is both natural for it to end and to change.  we are never stuck forever.  no matter how bad it can get there is always a way out, either through natural change, or through death.  that might be morbid or seem pessimistic to you but i mean it whole heartedly.  as i've send before, ends are inevitable but really its beginnings that require a choice. 

i thought earlier for some reason that i wished my life were more like the after picture, rather than the before picture.  you know the one i'm talking about, the one where the person is happier and thinner and for some reason has whiter teeth.  then i thought that its possible that i'd be the before picture for the rest of my life.  then it occured to me that that just might be how its meant to be.  we are all in our before pictures, and God is working in us to create the after picture which we will never see in this lifetime. 

it would be easy to say that in heaven we'll all look like super models and live in pinterest decorated mansions, and always be on time, and never get humiliated again, and no one will ever feel alone or forgotten or like they have to compete with the rest of the world.  but i think this cheapens paradise.  even what is considered perfection on earth has to be extremely flawed when compared to eternity with the creator.

but i digress from the topic of how i feel right now, and that is like there is no end, just monotonous mornings and evenings. 

life takes crazy turns we don't expect, and i may not get the life i want, but i won't believe for a second that its going to be a life i'm unhappy with .  that is for certain.

how i feel right now is not reality, or it is if you consider reality to be whatever meaning we ascribe to the physical realm.  so i guess it is if this is the meaning i ascribe to it.  however my meanings are my choice in that matter.  therefore i choose that this is not the meaning. 

i really just need to go to bed.

theories

I remember being at a youth conference in high school, and the speaker of the evening Jason French had all of us in the room stand.  I believe this was in Adrian, Michigan.  Now when I say all of us, I mean there were at least six hundred students in that room, plus youth leaders and ministers.  This was a large amount of people.

He was talking about faith, and I don't remember his exact point at the time, but i remember distinctly this example.  He had us sit back down, section by section, until only a quarter of us were standing still.  Then he told us in all earnestness that this was the amount of us who would statistically still be believers after college...

1..in 4...

Three out of four students leave their faith in college.  The numbers may vary by region, or be skewed by school.  But for the most part I believe these numbers are accurate.  Of the first four student leaders in my youth group I was the only one that didn't leave the church at some point.

It's very lonley being in that situation, following a faith when your peers fall away, combatting the attitude that living in the world and doing all the things that everyone else does is "not a big deal" yet still important enough that it should be pursued. 

The  theory I've heard most often as to why we lose so many at this age is because we aren't properly equipping them as teens or children to stay grounded in the faith.  We aren't teaching them the right verses, or the right answers to give when someone asks them or something.  We take it as a personal failure onto ourselves.

Then others say that college age people are for the first time "thinking for themselves," and therefore are experimenting and cultivating different avenues of thought and that is what takes them away. 

However I have another idea in my mind as to what it is, and its not dissimilar from these notions, but is slightly different in that it isn't a "college aged" problem, its a people problem.

It's not about freedom, or preparedness.  It's about control.

What caused me to think this is something else I was thinking about in my own life. I'm feeling frustrated at the moment.  I feel like I'm not serving adequately or enough or something.  When looking over my life and asking "what is it that has made living about me more than about others?" I figured out that before when I was in high school I was completely reliant upon my parents and therefore didn't have to worry about myself, how i ate, or how i got what i needed.  Trusting my entire existence to my parents was natural and easy, and since I didn't have to worry about the things that I needed, I could put my attentions onto what others' needed.

When you get to college age, you're suddenly responsible for yourself in ways you haven't been before.  Obviously some moreso than others, but the every day needs you always had which were pushed to the back of your mind are pulled back into the front of your mind and you realize "I can't do this for soandso, I've got things to do."

I genuinly don't think its the freedom thing or the equipping thing.  Its the responsibility thing.

And ultimately, this in itself is a failure in faith, because we should be trusting our entire existence upon Gods provision.  It is in doing this that we free our hands to do his work.  Obviously this is easier said than done, but that is just another trick of the world when you think about it.  We're tricked into believing that it is a selfish thing to not take care of our own needs, when really this is the very thing that God instructs us to do, meanwhile also instructing us to take care of each other.

The one thing I've noticed in common with anyone who has walked away from the church is that they made choices indicating they were living for themselves and no one else, and the world was justifying that choice. 

It's not just the big things like food and clothing and service its the little things too.  Things like being slow to anger, (which his actually a big one to me) asking others how they're doing and meaning it, or planning your life around your ministry, not your ministry around your life. 

I think college kids forget that there is someone taking care of them.