for some reason this blog didn't post when it was supposed to, so i'm posting it now. but this is all old.
It's a phrase that at this moment twists in my gut. I'm realizing that my life currently is requiring some damage control. Things have fallen apart, and now I need to salvage what pieces are left and arrange them so they can grow into something new. A lot of damaging things have been happening to my heart these past few months. Losing loved ones is damaging. Losing employment is damaging. I've often thought of every aspect of my life as its own spinning plate. When all the plates fall it takes a while for the shock to wear off before things can be effectively renewed again.
Okay enough with the metaphors. Let's be specific. I went to the doctor today to get renewed prescriptions and also ask for some more blood tests. They had me talk to a behavioral counselor even though I told them I was already seeing a counselor and she told me to get more blood tests. I didn't really mind, I'm happy my doctor is covering her bases. I mentioned the possibility of a vitamin deficiency and to my chagrin doc said "I doubt it's going to be that simple" Either way I'm still getting the blood tests so we'll see. In the mean time, she recommended that I increase my antidepressant dose, and I agreed. I think it was super helpful for her to recommend it, because believe it or not, I never would have thought of asking. It doesn't matter that I've been more depressed than I've been in years, or that my time not spent sleeping or applying to jobs online is spent watching Netflix and literally nothing else. "Even if its just for a little while, since you've had so much happen" doc said.
So there. Some damage control on my brain. What's next?
How about a trip?
I know what you're thinking. I am utterly broke right now, how could I afford to go anywhere? Well God has interesting ways of providing what we need. A friend of mine is taking a road trip and invited me along. I explained my situation to her, but she explained back at me that aside from food, all of the expenses will be essentially the same as if she were going alone. And she's willing to cover me. I am so excited! You have no idea how good it feels to have something to look forward to! I've not had much since gencon, and that came with a lot of its own little stressors to counteract a lot of the joy. I need this guys. I need this for my soul, and God has made a way for it to happen.
So, some damage control for my soul. Check.
As far as me personally goes, I think I'm leaving it there for now. It's been frustrating
Thursday, May 14, 2020
Saturday, September 1, 2018
this blog was supposed to publish september first of 2018. so i'm publishing it now.
What now...
A year and five months abroad in China. I've been back less that six months. About five. I still have dreams that I'm back there. Dreams that don't make any sense. They make me confused and sad because I want to find meaning in them but there isn't any. They're just the random memories of the last couple years getting processed into my subconscious. Joe once said that he always dreamed of people that weren't in his life anymore. I don't want those people to not be a part of my life anymore.
I don't want my life to be over. I know its not. I know there is still a plan for me. That this experience was just a piece of a larger me that isn't finished yet. At the same time it was an escape from life because there were so many problems that I have here in the states I could conveniently ignore. I didn't have to try as hard to get healthy because there was no chance of meeting anybody. The letters piling up reminding me of the huge debt above my head were thousands of miles away on someone else's kitchen table. All i had to worry about was the task laid before me.
I couldn't do anything about those things. I had a job to do.
Now I don't have a job to do. And its unnerving.
I just got employed though. I feel good about it. It's from God. All from him. While I applied and applied and applied and interviewed a bit, it wasn't my own actions that brought this fruit. I neither applied nor did I interview. They offered me an opportunity. My mom said that I got this job because of my character.
I'd like to be good at something besides being good. I feel like that's a nasty thing to say. Shouldn't being good be what is striven for? But I'd like to have talent again. Intelligence. I'd like to be effective with my hands and my actions. I want productivity to be something I can point to in my day.
So what do you have for me God? Will there be a day where I am satisfied enough in you that the places I fail the worlds standards cease to bother me? I wish looks and accomplishments didn't matter to me. I wish I had the affirmation I'm looking for in human beings. I know that I'll be used again by you God. But I wish the memory of safety in a mission were enough to quell the anxiety.
What now...
A year and five months abroad in China. I've been back less that six months. About five. I still have dreams that I'm back there. Dreams that don't make any sense. They make me confused and sad because I want to find meaning in them but there isn't any. They're just the random memories of the last couple years getting processed into my subconscious. Joe once said that he always dreamed of people that weren't in his life anymore. I don't want those people to not be a part of my life anymore.
I don't want my life to be over. I know its not. I know there is still a plan for me. That this experience was just a piece of a larger me that isn't finished yet. At the same time it was an escape from life because there were so many problems that I have here in the states I could conveniently ignore. I didn't have to try as hard to get healthy because there was no chance of meeting anybody. The letters piling up reminding me of the huge debt above my head were thousands of miles away on someone else's kitchen table. All i had to worry about was the task laid before me.
I couldn't do anything about those things. I had a job to do.
Now I don't have a job to do. And its unnerving.
I just got employed though. I feel good about it. It's from God. All from him. While I applied and applied and applied and interviewed a bit, it wasn't my own actions that brought this fruit. I neither applied nor did I interview. They offered me an opportunity. My mom said that I got this job because of my character.
I'd like to be good at something besides being good. I feel like that's a nasty thing to say. Shouldn't being good be what is striven for? But I'd like to have talent again. Intelligence. I'd like to be effective with my hands and my actions. I want productivity to be something I can point to in my day.
So what do you have for me God? Will there be a day where I am satisfied enough in you that the places I fail the worlds standards cease to bother me? I wish looks and accomplishments didn't matter to me. I wish I had the affirmation I'm looking for in human beings. I know that I'll be used again by you God. But I wish the memory of safety in a mission were enough to quell the anxiety.
Dusting Away the Cobwebs: An update on the last two years.
It's been a long time since I've written a decent blog. I wrote one a few months after I got back from China. I was writing on Tumblr pretty consistently while I was there. But the last...almost three years now I've been busy. Busy trying to be me. I sometimes with existing wasn't a full time job but it is.
To update on my life, i spent a year and half as a receptionist for the business of someone I go to church with. I enjoyed the work but it had it's share of stresses that I wouldn't look for in a job. Then I started having issues with being on time.
Now to be clear, I've always had a lateness issue. It's a giant part of having ADD. Just not being able to be on time...ever...at all. It's not because I'm lazy, or because I just don't try hard enough. ADD is a disorder of the Executive functions and unfortunately this means that I often can't organize everything in front of me the way that I should.
I thought it was normal ADD stuff, but it was getting more out of hand than usual. I attributed the spike in lateness to stress. Yeah...stress. That's why I'm having difficulty waking up in the morning. Stress.
As a disciplinary action my boss cut down my hours which was understandable but still humiliating. It also meant that i was getting less money and since I was already working for a fabulous eight dollars an hour it made things very tight. I had to look for another job. I asked a friend if he had heard of anything, he had, and next thing I knew I was interviewing for a billing position at a local nonprofit.
I couldn't believe the gift I'd been given. This was a real office job, in a non profit, with people who cared about other people. It was a dream come true to be working in a compassion driven organization and my boss was another dream come true. He was fair, and caring. He made sure everyone in the office wasn't working through lunch, that they were actually eating and taking breaks. He made sure I had as much education as I could get about my job to be trained properly. We had a good working relationship. I felt like it was a place where despite my ADD and anxiety, I could really excel.
But I was late.
I couldn't get up on time, and it got worse. Worse and worse and worse until finally he approached me about it. I should have approached him first and said something sooner, but I was so scared and confused. I was trying to just work hard and get things done and hoped that my good work would save me from this issue. I explained I believed I had a sleeping disorder. I had been talking to my doctor at that point for a couple of months, and they were prescribing me sleeping meds to try and get me to bed sooner.
But its not sleep i was having trouble with. It was waking up. Alarms go off and I sleep through them. My brother tries to wake me up and i fall back asleep dreaming. Finally the stress of it all would rouse me enough to get moving and I would stumble into work one or two hours late.
At first he was understanding. He said I should have told him, and he was right. But in addition to battling my own circadian rhythm I was battling my own pride. I didn't want there to be a problem. I wanted to act like there wasn't a problem and just work.
Then came the warning. Then came the written warning. Then he walked into my office for our weekly meeting and said he had to let me go.
I cried. A lot. I wish I could have been more mature. I wish I could have been more business professional about it. But I couldn't. I loved that job. I had such a gift from God in that office. And I failed. I failed. I failed.
And still I can't wake up. Of course I have no job so there's nothing to get up for in the morning. That plus the added depression completely flipped my sleep cycle. It is now my norm to be asleep from early to mid morning, to evening. My days are my nights and my nights are my days. I wake up and the dinner my mother has cooked becomes my breakfast. And if someone tries to wake me up before my body has decided to, i just slip back into dreams. If i set an alarm, i either don't hear it or I turn it off in my haze.
But there's more.
My dear friend and "big sister" Gina passed away. She had been fighting cancer for a long time. She was 36.
Then my dear friend Nancy passed away. We'd lived together in China, she also had cancer.
Now I sit, writing a blog, recounting the last few months. The everything I was that has been lost. The everything I was hoping for unbelievably beyond my grasp. I still have faith that God will bring me through this, that he has a plan for me, but I am left so broken I'm not sure how to pursue it. I just keep applying to jobs.
I'm trying to take heart in the little things, the little victories. The small steps to lift myself out of this hole. After I lost my job I reached out to a counselor in my town and I've been seeing her mostly consistently. I am not sure if I can point to anything in myself that has specifically come from that but every time I go I feel like I'm doing something productive for myself and that's important to me right now. I finally got around to making a doctors appointment yesterday so I can start the search for "whatever the heck is wrong with me" again. It's next week and I'm going to try to ask for more blood tests or something.
So why am I writing this blog? After so much time of not blogging at all? Well, a couple reasons. Firstly, this week has been especially heavy. One night in my facebook memories there were three happy pictures that felt like kicks to the gut. One was of my first birthday in China and the memory of that community I miss so much. Another was a selfie at my job, looking happy and ready to work. And finally there was a compilation of pictures of my friend Gina's farm and I realized that was the last time I had seen her before the very end, and can't stop kicking myself for not taking pictures of us together. All the pictures are of her lovely farm. I guess I just needed to write all this out. It has officially overflowed out of me. I can't handle it.
Secondly, I've noticed that I rarely do any of the things I like anymore. I know that's one of those symptoms of depression. Losing interest in hobbies. And so I'm trying to, I dunno, do things. Things I might enjoy. And I used to adore blogging.
So here it is. Laid bare. My sorrow and frustration that couldn't fit in a tweet. I'm going to post it on the socials because I want to make this a thing like I used to do. Blog and share. My thoughts and feelings. I'm hoping this isn't too angsty. But it's where I am, and it's who I am, and so I shouldn't be ashamed. After all, if a friend had just told all of this to me I wouldn't think less of them.
To update on my life, i spent a year and half as a receptionist for the business of someone I go to church with. I enjoyed the work but it had it's share of stresses that I wouldn't look for in a job. Then I started having issues with being on time.
Now to be clear, I've always had a lateness issue. It's a giant part of having ADD. Just not being able to be on time...ever...at all. It's not because I'm lazy, or because I just don't try hard enough. ADD is a disorder of the Executive functions and unfortunately this means that I often can't organize everything in front of me the way that I should.
I thought it was normal ADD stuff, but it was getting more out of hand than usual. I attributed the spike in lateness to stress. Yeah...stress. That's why I'm having difficulty waking up in the morning. Stress.
As a disciplinary action my boss cut down my hours which was understandable but still humiliating. It also meant that i was getting less money and since I was already working for a fabulous eight dollars an hour it made things very tight. I had to look for another job. I asked a friend if he had heard of anything, he had, and next thing I knew I was interviewing for a billing position at a local nonprofit.
I couldn't believe the gift I'd been given. This was a real office job, in a non profit, with people who cared about other people. It was a dream come true to be working in a compassion driven organization and my boss was another dream come true. He was fair, and caring. He made sure everyone in the office wasn't working through lunch, that they were actually eating and taking breaks. He made sure I had as much education as I could get about my job to be trained properly. We had a good working relationship. I felt like it was a place where despite my ADD and anxiety, I could really excel.
But I was late.
I couldn't get up on time, and it got worse. Worse and worse and worse until finally he approached me about it. I should have approached him first and said something sooner, but I was so scared and confused. I was trying to just work hard and get things done and hoped that my good work would save me from this issue. I explained I believed I had a sleeping disorder. I had been talking to my doctor at that point for a couple of months, and they were prescribing me sleeping meds to try and get me to bed sooner.
But its not sleep i was having trouble with. It was waking up. Alarms go off and I sleep through them. My brother tries to wake me up and i fall back asleep dreaming. Finally the stress of it all would rouse me enough to get moving and I would stumble into work one or two hours late.
At first he was understanding. He said I should have told him, and he was right. But in addition to battling my own circadian rhythm I was battling my own pride. I didn't want there to be a problem. I wanted to act like there wasn't a problem and just work.
Then came the warning. Then came the written warning. Then he walked into my office for our weekly meeting and said he had to let me go.
I cried. A lot. I wish I could have been more mature. I wish I could have been more business professional about it. But I couldn't. I loved that job. I had such a gift from God in that office. And I failed. I failed. I failed.
And still I can't wake up. Of course I have no job so there's nothing to get up for in the morning. That plus the added depression completely flipped my sleep cycle. It is now my norm to be asleep from early to mid morning, to evening. My days are my nights and my nights are my days. I wake up and the dinner my mother has cooked becomes my breakfast. And if someone tries to wake me up before my body has decided to, i just slip back into dreams. If i set an alarm, i either don't hear it or I turn it off in my haze.
But there's more.
My dear friend and "big sister" Gina passed away. She had been fighting cancer for a long time. She was 36.
Then my dear friend Nancy passed away. We'd lived together in China, she also had cancer.
Now I sit, writing a blog, recounting the last few months. The everything I was that has been lost. The everything I was hoping for unbelievably beyond my grasp. I still have faith that God will bring me through this, that he has a plan for me, but I am left so broken I'm not sure how to pursue it. I just keep applying to jobs.
I'm trying to take heart in the little things, the little victories. The small steps to lift myself out of this hole. After I lost my job I reached out to a counselor in my town and I've been seeing her mostly consistently. I am not sure if I can point to anything in myself that has specifically come from that but every time I go I feel like I'm doing something productive for myself and that's important to me right now. I finally got around to making a doctors appointment yesterday so I can start the search for "whatever the heck is wrong with me" again. It's next week and I'm going to try to ask for more blood tests or something.
So why am I writing this blog? After so much time of not blogging at all? Well, a couple reasons. Firstly, this week has been especially heavy. One night in my facebook memories there were three happy pictures that felt like kicks to the gut. One was of my first birthday in China and the memory of that community I miss so much. Another was a selfie at my job, looking happy and ready to work. And finally there was a compilation of pictures of my friend Gina's farm and I realized that was the last time I had seen her before the very end, and can't stop kicking myself for not taking pictures of us together. All the pictures are of her lovely farm. I guess I just needed to write all this out. It has officially overflowed out of me. I can't handle it.
Secondly, I've noticed that I rarely do any of the things I like anymore. I know that's one of those symptoms of depression. Losing interest in hobbies. And so I'm trying to, I dunno, do things. Things I might enjoy. And I used to adore blogging.
So here it is. Laid bare. My sorrow and frustration that couldn't fit in a tweet. I'm going to post it on the socials because I want to make this a thing like I used to do. Blog and share. My thoughts and feelings. I'm hoping this isn't too angsty. But it's where I am, and it's who I am, and so I shouldn't be ashamed. After all, if a friend had just told all of this to me I wouldn't think less of them.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
I might should give up on the dentist thing.
So I'm getting ready to leave the country in less than a month, and doing a terrible job of it if I do say so myself.
I feel like if I were doing a good job then I would have everything finished by now and would just be enjoying my time left in the states with all my friends and family.
I'm still doing that now but I'm also desperately trying to get stuff done like work out how to make student loan payments from the other side of the planet, get a visa, and possibly my wisdom teeth removed.
And by try to get stuff done, I actually mean try to try.
It's like writing a paper, I'm not at the point where I am actually working on these things yet. I'm at the point of thinking about working on it.
The stress is the same but the progress is that much less. (Except on the visa thing. I'm actually working on that one, but everything else seems to have been put on a standstill.)
Anywho, I feel like I ought to write an existential blog about the changes coming in life, about how I am facing this massive change with courage or what have you but I am extremely...unmoved.
This is the direction my life has been heading. It's completely not shocking or really scary to me that I am moving to China for a year. The things I'm scared of are the exact same things that I'm scared of on this side of the planet. I'm scared that I won't do a good job and they'll get mad at me because I suck/somehow misrepresented myself and my capabilities.
Which I do not believe I did because I was very clear about what experience I had and didn't have and was told also quite clearly "that's okay, we're training you."
I'm scared I will go hungry not for lack of food or money or provision but because I won't know how to grocery shop in a foreign country and will be too scared to ask for help.
I'm scared that I will be super awkward in this new little community I'm entering into and that I won't know how to connect with any of them. Making friends is not as easy for me as the world assumes!
Just because you're an extrovert doesn't mean that it's easy. It just means it's more urgent. Everyone needs friends and such but the degradation for extroverts without friends might be a tad quicker.
Here's how it all goes down in my mind.
Me-*enters into common area*
Them- *talking among themselves.*
Me- Hey...
Them- Hey! *to other person* So like I was saying (insert anecdote here.)
Me- That's like (insert obscure pop culture reference)
Them- Oh...I don't really know that...
Me- Well, (explains it.)
Them- Oh...hehe well (continues anecdote like nothing happened)
Me- (laughs too loud)
Them- (smiles and makes badly veiled expressions at one another)
Me- (insert panicked nerd joke)
Them-...
Me- (nervous laughter)
Them-...
Me-...
Them...
Me- Well see ya. *retreats back to room where I spend the next year.*
Now as you can see, the people aren't being rude or unaccepting per se, but I am just failing to connect with them, and they are unable to connect with me because I'm not giving them a whole lot to work with.
I'm also scared about not learning Chinese quickly enough. Like...I don't expect to become fluent. But I'm super shy when I"m not speaking English. Moreso than usual.
So in short my life changing doesn't scare me any more than my normal life does. In the meantime I just want to get all this stuff done so I can stop worrying about it.
I feel like if I were doing a good job then I would have everything finished by now and would just be enjoying my time left in the states with all my friends and family.
I'm still doing that now but I'm also desperately trying to get stuff done like work out how to make student loan payments from the other side of the planet, get a visa, and possibly my wisdom teeth removed.
And by try to get stuff done, I actually mean try to try.
It's like writing a paper, I'm not at the point where I am actually working on these things yet. I'm at the point of thinking about working on it.
The stress is the same but the progress is that much less. (Except on the visa thing. I'm actually working on that one, but everything else seems to have been put on a standstill.)
Anywho, I feel like I ought to write an existential blog about the changes coming in life, about how I am facing this massive change with courage or what have you but I am extremely...unmoved.
This is the direction my life has been heading. It's completely not shocking or really scary to me that I am moving to China for a year. The things I'm scared of are the exact same things that I'm scared of on this side of the planet. I'm scared that I won't do a good job and they'll get mad at me because I suck/somehow misrepresented myself and my capabilities.
Which I do not believe I did because I was very clear about what experience I had and didn't have and was told also quite clearly "that's okay, we're training you."
I'm scared I will go hungry not for lack of food or money or provision but because I won't know how to grocery shop in a foreign country and will be too scared to ask for help.
I'm scared that I will be super awkward in this new little community I'm entering into and that I won't know how to connect with any of them. Making friends is not as easy for me as the world assumes!
Just because you're an extrovert doesn't mean that it's easy. It just means it's more urgent. Everyone needs friends and such but the degradation for extroverts without friends might be a tad quicker.
Here's how it all goes down in my mind.
Me-*enters into common area*
Them- *talking among themselves.*
Me- Hey...
Them- Hey! *to other person* So like I was saying (insert anecdote here.)
Me- That's like (insert obscure pop culture reference)
Them- Oh...I don't really know that...
Me- Well, (explains it.)
Them- Oh...hehe well (continues anecdote like nothing happened)
Me- (laughs too loud)
Them- (smiles and makes badly veiled expressions at one another)
Me- (insert panicked nerd joke)
Them-...
Me- (nervous laughter)
Them-...
Me-...
Them...
Me- Well see ya. *retreats back to room where I spend the next year.*
Now as you can see, the people aren't being rude or unaccepting per se, but I am just failing to connect with them, and they are unable to connect with me because I'm not giving them a whole lot to work with.
I'm also scared about not learning Chinese quickly enough. Like...I don't expect to become fluent. But I'm super shy when I"m not speaking English. Moreso than usual.
So in short my life changing doesn't scare me any more than my normal life does. In the meantime I just want to get all this stuff done so I can stop worrying about it.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Sexy Sexy PBJ
So I've been doing this diet thing, and while it hasn't been a secret I have endeavored not to advertise it. I am part of a private facebook group where we talk about our struggles with the diet and such, but I make no public posts about it, or my progress, nor do I tell people about it unless they ask.
As with any challenge, I'm learning more about myself in the process. Part of me hates that. I hate that a diet can be deep. Part of what has inhibited me from really taking control of my health in the past has been this notion that diets and exercise were part of a luxury driven culture. That our culture rotates around self-love and decadence disgusts me, and honestly taking the time to plan out my meals and exercise everyday feels like a waste of time.
However I can not refute the reality that our culture is the way it is and the need (because it is a need) to take conscious care of our bodies exists because we no longer live in a subsistence culture. I did not grow up on a farm and spend every waking our dedicated to the upkeep of that farm. My meals do not consist of the food I grow and rear myself. My muscles and nutrition are no longer the product of my daily labor.
Instead the daily labor of the average person is something that contributes to a much broader picture of our community. Writers write what others read. Cooks cook what others eat. Receptionists receive communications meant for other persons. Some of these jobs require sitting for hours at a time as opposed to our ancestors who spent dawn till dusk on their feet.
Anyway...
I started this diet because I decided that 260 pounds was too heavy for a girl of 5'6". Also diabetes and heart disease runs in my family. Also, to be frank, the last time I had a boyfriend I was under 200 pounds. I was overweight but about seventy pounds lighter. I'm not going to say that my singleness is a direct result of my weight gain but I'm sure it didn't help. And while I'm all about big girls being beautiful too it is a valid thing for people to find certain physical characteristics to be attractive.
The entire point of this blog is not to rant about how our society is shallow and materialistic, or to break down my feelings on my own weight.
It is to state that I miss peanut butter sandwiches. I miss how easy it was to just make a sandwich when I wanted something to eat. I miss that. I miss the simplicity of food. That it wasn't something I had to think about.
In this diet I have to plan every meal and prepare for it. I miss being able to just run out the door with a sandwich in my hand. Gosh...I miss the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I am happy that I'm doing the diet, because it is working. But sometimes I would like to be able to say "Hey friend, let's go to the park and eat sandwiches and then talk about how great it is to be at the park and eating sandwiches." This has never been something I've said, but in my sandwich deprived state I have romanticized the experience somewhat.
As with any challenge, I'm learning more about myself in the process. Part of me hates that. I hate that a diet can be deep. Part of what has inhibited me from really taking control of my health in the past has been this notion that diets and exercise were part of a luxury driven culture. That our culture rotates around self-love and decadence disgusts me, and honestly taking the time to plan out my meals and exercise everyday feels like a waste of time.
However I can not refute the reality that our culture is the way it is and the need (because it is a need) to take conscious care of our bodies exists because we no longer live in a subsistence culture. I did not grow up on a farm and spend every waking our dedicated to the upkeep of that farm. My meals do not consist of the food I grow and rear myself. My muscles and nutrition are no longer the product of my daily labor.
Instead the daily labor of the average person is something that contributes to a much broader picture of our community. Writers write what others read. Cooks cook what others eat. Receptionists receive communications meant for other persons. Some of these jobs require sitting for hours at a time as opposed to our ancestors who spent dawn till dusk on their feet.
Anyway...
I started this diet because I decided that 260 pounds was too heavy for a girl of 5'6". Also diabetes and heart disease runs in my family. Also, to be frank, the last time I had a boyfriend I was under 200 pounds. I was overweight but about seventy pounds lighter. I'm not going to say that my singleness is a direct result of my weight gain but I'm sure it didn't help. And while I'm all about big girls being beautiful too it is a valid thing for people to find certain physical characteristics to be attractive.
The entire point of this blog is not to rant about how our society is shallow and materialistic, or to break down my feelings on my own weight.
It is to state that I miss peanut butter sandwiches. I miss how easy it was to just make a sandwich when I wanted something to eat. I miss that. I miss the simplicity of food. That it wasn't something I had to think about.
In this diet I have to plan every meal and prepare for it. I miss being able to just run out the door with a sandwich in my hand. Gosh...I miss the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I am happy that I'm doing the diet, because it is working. But sometimes I would like to be able to say "Hey friend, let's go to the park and eat sandwiches and then talk about how great it is to be at the park and eating sandwiches." This has never been something I've said, but in my sandwich deprived state I have romanticized the experience somewhat.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Employee for Hire:
I really just need to know if i'm making progress. That would be great.
I am stuck it feels like. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I apply to jobs like crazy. I work on my resume' regularly. I've even had a couple of interviews but nothing has come to fruition.
In the beginning I thought that God had a purpose for me in all of this. Every time I started to doubt that then something would happen that would override that doubt. I've been there for my coworkers. Helped them out when I could. Prayed for them. Tried to be an example. Meanwhile being tested and tested and tested again in my worldviews and my optimism. And every time I screw up I'm all too aware of it. All too conscious of the fact that when I get angry I lose my witness. When I'm dishonest I lose my witness. When I'm lazy I lose my witness.
I read a verse the other day that struck my heart. Jesus asks a man to follow him, and then the man asks if he can say goodbye to his family first. Jesus says "No man who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of heaven."
I've felt a lot of fear and anxiety in the past over the prospect of missions full time. But I still have moved forward with the notion that that is where I would be lead eventually. Has God altered his purpose for me because I was hesitant? Am I no longer fit for following him the way he intended because I had reservations? Because I "looked back?"
But if I find it difficult to maintain my values in an American fast food restaurant how would I even hold up abroad?
There is a kind of monotony that is now existing in my life I haven't felt in years. Moreso than the ennui of my dead summers in high school. No, this is like when I was in grade school and struggling with depression. Every day having to go to a place where I'm wilting. Where I try so hard to be good and it doesn't seem to matter because my days don't get any better. It all finally ended with a move across the country. But it was four years in the running. Dear God, don't let this be another four years! Please!
Of course things are better now than they were. I have friends now. I'm an adult and more in control of my life than i was when i was a child. My brain says that's the problem. That I'm still fighting God for control but honestly I don't know if that's true. I can't tell anymore. I don't know what I'm holding on to. Maybe my dreams? I thought they were his plan! I seriously don't know. But I just keep on applying elsewhere because I figure if God wants me to get another job I need to be open to it and if he doesn't then I'll stay where I am.
So I guess for now it looks like i'm staying where I am. And once again I'm trying to be happy with it. Trying desperately to be okay with what is going on in my life because I have to trust that God is in control and he knows what he's doing.
It's kind of like a white out. I've spent my life going down this straight and narrow path that I have been sure of. Suddenly the wind blows and everything goes white and I can't tell if I'm still on the path or not because everything looks the same. It just blends in with itself.
I can't even tell if I'm moving forward and just slowly, or if I'm standing completely still. None of the scenery is changing. It's just getting colder.
Dear God I need strength and clarity. Please.
I am stuck it feels like. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I apply to jobs like crazy. I work on my resume' regularly. I've even had a couple of interviews but nothing has come to fruition.
In the beginning I thought that God had a purpose for me in all of this. Every time I started to doubt that then something would happen that would override that doubt. I've been there for my coworkers. Helped them out when I could. Prayed for them. Tried to be an example. Meanwhile being tested and tested and tested again in my worldviews and my optimism. And every time I screw up I'm all too aware of it. All too conscious of the fact that when I get angry I lose my witness. When I'm dishonest I lose my witness. When I'm lazy I lose my witness.
I read a verse the other day that struck my heart. Jesus asks a man to follow him, and then the man asks if he can say goodbye to his family first. Jesus says "No man who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of heaven."
I've felt a lot of fear and anxiety in the past over the prospect of missions full time. But I still have moved forward with the notion that that is where I would be lead eventually. Has God altered his purpose for me because I was hesitant? Am I no longer fit for following him the way he intended because I had reservations? Because I "looked back?"
But if I find it difficult to maintain my values in an American fast food restaurant how would I even hold up abroad?
There is a kind of monotony that is now existing in my life I haven't felt in years. Moreso than the ennui of my dead summers in high school. No, this is like when I was in grade school and struggling with depression. Every day having to go to a place where I'm wilting. Where I try so hard to be good and it doesn't seem to matter because my days don't get any better. It all finally ended with a move across the country. But it was four years in the running. Dear God, don't let this be another four years! Please!
Of course things are better now than they were. I have friends now. I'm an adult and more in control of my life than i was when i was a child. My brain says that's the problem. That I'm still fighting God for control but honestly I don't know if that's true. I can't tell anymore. I don't know what I'm holding on to. Maybe my dreams? I thought they were his plan! I seriously don't know. But I just keep on applying elsewhere because I figure if God wants me to get another job I need to be open to it and if he doesn't then I'll stay where I am.
So I guess for now it looks like i'm staying where I am. And once again I'm trying to be happy with it. Trying desperately to be okay with what is going on in my life because I have to trust that God is in control and he knows what he's doing.
It's kind of like a white out. I've spent my life going down this straight and narrow path that I have been sure of. Suddenly the wind blows and everything goes white and I can't tell if I'm still on the path or not because everything looks the same. It just blends in with itself.
I can't even tell if I'm moving forward and just slowly, or if I'm standing completely still. None of the scenery is changing. It's just getting colder.
Dear God I need strength and clarity. Please.
Friday, December 20, 2013
I have a God who loves me...
so today i got a bonus from work in the form of a fifty dollar gift card. i have no idea what i want to spend it on.
i thought of the following
something practical
-gasoline
-phone bill
something special
-new clothes
-new jewelry
-cosmetics
something humanitarian
-fair trade
-charity support merchandise
if i could find something that encompassed all three of these categories that would make some sense. i considered new toms since i have been wanting some and my old pair are essentially dead, i have considered just thrifting. i have considered finding something fair trade online. (although i have to be honest, the overall aesthetic of fair trade is not exactly my style, despite the fact that i am willing to dedicate my life to making it work)
so i started trying to think of things i wanted or actually felt like getting and for some reason i couldn't really think of anything. besides toms, but i don't really want to spend all of that on toms.
my point is that whenever i thought about "what i want" it turned into something that i needed to do at home. i need to get rid of most of my clothes because i either don't wear them or they don't fit or both. i need to lose weight because its unhealthy to be 250 pounds and 5'6''. i need to start the paperwork for the peace corps. i need to figure out how to get over this anxiety thing, despite having been better lately since the move, i still struggle with.
but what i realize is that i am tired. its late. i keep forgetting to go home. (seriously i meant to get up and go like two hours ago and i justkeep not doing it.) i've had a big day and tomorrow i've got stuff to do and the next day and the next day and really what i just need to do is go home and go to bed and think about it later when i'm rested. because when i get tired, i get depressed, because i'm left to my own devices and i can't stop thinking about the things in my life that need changing, and how bad i am at changing them.
i'm using all the mantras over and over that have helped me in the past.
things like:
I have a God who loves me and that is enough.
this one helps when i feel like the struggles set before me are too big for me to manage. i realize God is taking care of me so the future is essentially taken care of.
or
...
i've had other mantras and now i can't think of them at all. which i am going to decide means i just need to keep saying
I have a God who loves me and that is enough.
OH! or...
It doesn't matter who I am because of who He is.
this helps when my sense of identity comes into disarray. or when i just can't stand how much of myself i dislike and want to alter. i'm not smart, pretty, talented, or interesting enough.
and then there is...
the potential to smile in the future is reason to smile now.
this is just for when i can't see my own sadness. i realized that reality is a series of ups and downs and if i'm in a down that means there will come another up eventually. i may not be able to conceive of what it could be or be like, but i know it will come and the promise of something nice in the future is a nice thing to smile about in itself.
and if all else fails. i'll eat a cookie.
so no. i have no idea what i am going to spend this fifty dollars on. but i don't have to make these decisions right now.
i just need to get off this freaking computer, and drive home, and go to sleep.
that is enough...
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